I am in Love

I am in love. Yes, it’s true, I am. My heart swells and I sometimes tear at the thought of all those with whom I am in love.

It’s often said that there are many kinds of love – and there are- and that to be in love is different from just loving. Well, I choose to change that. Ultimately, it is my intention, my preference if you will, to offer unconditional love all across the board.

As I explore exactly what that means I have bumped into many rather unattractive places within my own self, places I  rather wish were not there at all. Yet I have to face the fact that indeed they do exist. And if I am to be true to my own self I must own up to all that I have created in my life and change that which no longer fits me- like an old dress that I inherited, and wore, but no longer wish to clothe myself with.

So in my choice to be extending unconditional love, it means I must consciously exist in love all the time. Thus I am being truthful when I say, “I am in love”.

I am deeply in love with all the beautiful beings that have offered their assistance, support, good wishes and prayers for both Robert and me as we journey deeper into this experience called ‘cancer treatment.’ I am in love with those of you who stopped by yesterday at the chemo center and added your support to assist us in getting through the day, to each of the precious friends who have allowed me to have a moment’s cry upon your shoulder (because I needed it).

I am in love with the sweet ladies at the treatment center who gently attend to my partner with such dignity and grace, and who keep me informed and up to date. I am utterly amazed at the genuine care and sweet tenderness that is shared all around, from my tennis girlfriends to the clerks in Trader Joes, or the baristas at Starbucks. How I love you all!

The meals, the rides, the calls, the Facebook notes – all of them have touched me and I fall deeper in love each day. Please know that my life is being lived moment to moment right now – I cannot extent myself much further than that, so I hope you can feel what I am offering, because this is all I can focus on. My attention needs to be here, now.

I love you~

Update on Robert:

Yesterday’s chemo treatment was preceded by several days of intense challenge. Half way through the day yesterday he finally relaxed and allowed himself to let go. Last night was as restful as could be, considering. Today he has been queasy, but his spirits are higher than they have been for some time. I think that the thought of repeating chemo was quite taxing for him – understandably - and he sank deep into despair for a while there. Hopefully this weekend will not be as challenging as the last post-treatment one was. At least we have an idea of what to expect this time through.

Robert’s birthday is on Monday Jan 2^nd. It might not be our finest or most exciting New Year’s or birthday weekend, but I am sure it will remain in our memory banks forever!

Here’s wishing you a beautiful holiday weekend and a spectacular 2012. I know there is so much to come!

It's Christmas

It’s Christmas, Beloved, just barely. The world is quiet and sounds are magnified.

What is my wish?

For peace, peace among men, peace in our hearts.

Peace from the civil war that we have waged against our own selves from time immemorial. The peace within that no longer fights with what we should or should-not do, but clearly is at one with our truest wishes and lives them as such.

The peace of one who follows her own heart and inner guidance with a pure knowing that this is absolutely perfect for me. For clearly if I am at peace within my own self, I am at peace with the world, for it is but a reflection of me.

I wish for love – and that too begins right here.

~For in the depths of your soul shall ye find love. There it is hidden – locked away – most ready to be liberated in a moment’s notice of unquestioning freedom, of Voice, of Spirit, of All That Is. Clearly you are the breath of Love, for your choices so acted upon, reflect your point of view.

Allow love to flow freely as never before. Unlock all the dungeon doors within and breathe love to the surface to be liberated, set free, emancipated. Allow Love its flight, for surely it has wings and can cover great distances with but the blink of an eye – a thought.

I am love. I carry the seeds of Love’s bounty within me ever ready to germinate, grow, and flourish – over and over and over again without limits to its expressions.

Created by Page Hodel, http://www.mondayheartsformadalene.com/

I am the seed of peace, of love, the Dove itself. I carry it in my connection to All. It begins with me.

It is Christmas. May I always carry this beauty truthfully and consciously in my heart.

May I say – I love you all.

Merry Christmas.

My Gift

When I was a child we had a babysitter, Dee, an older woman, large and loving, who always said I had a guardian angel. In fact she always called me her guardian angel. Time and time again, her simple wisdom proved amazing. What I took as ‘just words’ back then I now realize was a beautiful invitation to an invisible network of support, a network that is available to each of us, on this level and beyond. Contrary to what others would lead us to believe, we are supported in the most brilliant of ways.

When the choice to play here on Earth was made, each of us received unfathomable connections to our Source so that we would never forget how deeply loved and cherished we truly are. Much goes on here that would offer different beliefs, but I know otherwise. If my life has been teaching me anything as of late, it’s that there is a network - a matrix - of love and assistance that none can change or remove. It is only our choice to ignore it that allows it to lessen in its appearance throughout our lives. Support it, and it grows.

There are ‘good’ days and there are ‘bad’ days, days where my smile is as wide as the Grand Canyon, and days where I just want it all to end, the hurt, the uncertainty, the challenges I see my partner going through in his journey with cancer.

Yet somehow, when I reach out and ask – really ask – for guidance, assistance, strength, unconditional love, I receive it. Every time. Not always through the avenue that I was expecting, but there none the less. Sometimes it comes in the form of a phone call offering help. Another time it was a rainbow stretched over the house and a songbird in the tree out front. However it shows up, this love touches me deeply and clears out whatever I had been holding onto, as if I had to protect myself. And each time it is a message that is very personal to me. How can I not be grateful?!

So in the depths of my meditation the other night I started to write what ‘advice’ I would give to an incoming being about life here on Earth. And it ended up being a stunning channeled message for my own self. What beauty there is in our connectedness!

I wrote:

What would I want to say?

~There is much to be experienced here – both seemingly ‘good’ and ‘bad’. None are to be judged as such, only take note. For in your acceptance of each, things will flow more easily and certainly be more fun.

~Enjoy all that this world has to offer you. There is great beauty therein. Life is infinite in its interpretations, shapes and sounds. Participate as you are so drawn to and see the beauty that is expressed at each corner, each intersection. Nature is abundance and pleasure is adored.

~Choose a direction of expression that is passionate to you. For in your choices you will be fortified with strength and devotion to all that is Us.

~ Know how deeply you are loved and supported by All That Is. Beings beyond your remembrance lift and guide you through all situations with but a request for help. Never are you alone. Never.

~Your choice to come here is celebrated by many. Please enjoy the experience. Play with gusto. Live larger, love with every fiber of your being. Breathe deeply, consciously, fully. Open and allow it all to be felt in your love for your own self – your own journey here – for this is why you came- to express it all.

~Don’t hold back for anyone else’s choice to be in discomfort. They will grow – or not - as they so choose. Do not allow their choices to dictate your speed, your altitude, your direction. Limiting yourself thusly only reduces the light you project and no one benefits in the end by such measures. That is not love – no matter what you are told otherwise.

~ Allow yourself to be swallowed whole by This that is you. Swim in it. You are beautiful, so complete, so divine in nature. Dive in. Just as Queen’s Bath (Kauai) supports  and lifts you – so too will We, your own self expressed through numerous reflections, on numerous levels and varied ‘shapes’. Know We are here to guide you, support you, and connect you in your choice to be so attended.

~We salute your choices to express this. We long for your deepest expressions to be made manifest and you also have this longing – this desire. Such beauty should not be contained in a little box. It does not fit.

May you feel the deepest expressions of love that are contained herein. Take them into your heart and feel the joy behind the words. I offer them as a Christmas gift, a holiday gift, a timeless gift of gratitude and appreciation for you being truly you.

Thank you~

And as a follow up on Robert:

We’re ¼ of the way through treatment today. He actually gained back 2 lbs as of yesterday!! Yippee!! His next chemo is on the 29^th of Dec, and he gets radiation every Mon- Fri. He’s ‘recovered’ from the 1^st chemo, but now the radiation is beginning to be felt. We’re told that soon he won’t be able to swallow without difficulty and food will lose its taste. We’re working at putting on as much poundage as possible before that!

With a change in diet, lots of water, plenty of naps, and as much walking and exercise as we possibly can fit in- so far, so good.  The holidays will not be quite like the usual, but we are together, and ever so grateful for all the help that has been extended. Your emails and phone calls, visits and good wishes are definitely working!!

If you are around on Thurs Dec 29^th and can stop in at Sharp Memorial Outpatient Infusion Center (3075 Health Center Dr. suite 102, 92123) from 11:30 a.m. – 5:00 p.m., I know that he’d love a visit. (They will validate your parking.)

Thanks for all your wonderful assistance with the surf videos! Perfect!

Robert’s birthday is Mon Jan 2 and sure to be not as pleasurable as usual. If you wish to email him: rblando@sbcglobal.net.

Thank you!

xxoo

I am Learning

I am learning so much from this experience already. Even now it is exactly one of those things that one hears of - how adversity strengthens us and makes us grow. Well, I have always asked myself to grow, to open, to be absolutely true to that which is Divine, and this is how it is showing up for me right now. I accept this, gratefully. (I may now always be graceful in my acceptance, but I am filled with gratitude for each opportunity I have to be more present, more truthful, more honed in my awareness and for all those who assist me in this way.)

This is not a fight - a challenge yes.  From the beginning we both have chosen to view this experience of cancer as an adventure, something we have, on some level, chosen to create so that we can grow and thrive in new ways. We both have chosen to act in love. I would rather go with the Flow, spreading the energy of love than create a battle ground of strife and fear. Please do not think this leaves me helpless, far from it. It gives me strength.

As I watch my beautiful beloved partner, who has always been a pillar of physical strength, be in immense pain from just the preliminary preparations for treatment, it both hurts and shocks me. He has always been so healthy, and to see him bent over walking like an old man stuns me.  And we have yet to really begin…. Where it will go, how it will go, in truth, I don’t know, but I hold closely to that vision of our home in Baja, of returning there in the spring and once again walking by the water, smelling the salty air, seeing him run off with his surf board under his arm, and returning to my beautiful art studio upstairs.

Somewhere along the way in my life I picked up the lesson that I had to be strong, emotionless even. That I could make my way through anything. And all that really did was numb the hell out of me. Well, this, my friends, is a wakeup call for me.  If I am to survive this intact and whole, I need to learn to ask for help and receive it with graceful, grateful appreciation. It’s OK to ask – that’s my lesson right now.

Up until now, I had not been able to understand what will be needed. So many have offered their assistance yet Robert has been so strong that I couldn’t even imagine what to ask for. But now I am getting an inkling of what might be in store and I can see that to take care of him, I also need to take care of me.

I need help with housework, with driving him to his daily radiation appointment – 5 days a week for 7 weeks (beginning Thurs Dec 8, ending Fri Jan 27^th).  I need help in the form of just having someone to come and sit with him, keep him company for a couple of hours that will allow me to do what I need to recharge. I need nutritious healthy food to keep us both going strong. I need to be able to take time to myself for exercise, creating, what have you. (I hope to get art equipment today, as all my things are in Baja!)

There is so much about to happen in the form of his treatment this coming week – the beginning of Dec – and I admit to being at a loss for much of it. I have to dive in and really face this head on. I think before I just was too scared to do so. Now I know I have to. I have to look my fears straight in the eye, and say thank you, I will grow, I will thrive, I will live and I will love.

If you see a way in which you would like to participate, please, I thank you for it. If sending love is what is available from you, I thank you for it.

Just the opportunity to express this is so huge for me.

I am learning so much.....

Update - 11-19-11

The sky looks poised for rain, or maybe not. It can’t seem to decide. But with that indecision the most beautiful cloud formations are strewn across the sky, interspersed with patches of bright cerulean blue. The rising sun has tinged the edges of the massive gray patches with pink and silver and the wind is pushing it swiftly across the screen, just like a movie. Simply beautiful~

Nature and all her changes, colors, sounds and flavors have always deeply touched both Robert and I. I guess that is just one reason that we love our home in Baja so. Well, that and Robert is a bit taken with the surf…. ;-) Before too long we intend to return and soak it up yet again!

And that leads me into the update on Robert.

Yesterday he went in for a biopsy – we called it our ‘oscopy day’, as the procedure was labeled with many oscopies to be done. In early (6 a.m.!) and out by 9, he was pretty groggy from the general anesthesia. They took samples and I was told something was removed – though what, I don’t know yet. The instructions were to keep him quiet, relaxed, eating soft foods for a day or so and very limited vocal usage. Once the effects of the drugs began to wear off he was pretty chipper. He even commented that it was easier to swallow than before! Of course being a Friday, the results always wait until the following week, but I have a really good feeling about this.

We have numerous appointments scheduled next week – right before Thanksgiving – to prepare him for treatment, which we assume will commence right after the holiday. There are tubes to be inserted, masks to be made – the list goes on and on. But at least things are beginning to move…..

And speaking of moving, fingers crossed, we will be into the house we’re renting by Thanksgiving. For those of you who want an address, we’re receiving all our mail at the old Johnson Ave address (1275 Johnson Ave, SD 92103-2317) as it is just 3 doors down from this house, and easier that way. Our wonderful tenants, Cliff and Marie, forward our mail into our own mail slot in the garage. Our ‘new’ house itself sits directly on the east corner of Johnson and Maryland, red house with green trim. (Or is it the other way around?) We are looking forward to getting in this week after a good thorough cleaning and making it ‘our’ space for the time being. I know the owner, Dave, is doing all he can to get out as he has a job for 3-4- months up in Laguna Beach that he needs to get going on. We are very grateful for his assistance here!

And speaking of grateful, there is so much to say thank you for. We have received so many phone calls, messages on FB, so much love being sent over all. Thank you! Many of you have shared that you are assisting in the healing with energy work. Thank you! My brother, Mike, has been working with the both of us diligently. Thank you! For all the care, the love, the dinners, the offers of assistance: Thank you! If I knew another word that could sum it up succinctly, I would use it, for our gratitude is flowing in unending measure.

With love, all things are possible. And there is a whole lotta love here! So I invite you to join me as I begin each day breathing in love through my heart and then letting the exhale spread that sweet warm love throughout my whole body, loving myself as I go. It is a natural response that it will flow out into the world for all to feel and share. This is how healing happens.

In case things get hectic and I don’t have a moment to tell you before the holiday, Happy Thanksgiving! I treasure each and every one of you.

Xxoo~

Ps, if you didn’t get a chance to see Robert’s video on FB, log onto his page, or mine and take a look. He did good!      http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1001384259#!/profile.php?id=1644573565

In the Sweetness of Breath

In the sweetness of breath I find comfort and love. I can allow myself to release all the closely held emotions and just feel them – as a mother holds a crying child to her breast. With love and tenderness.

What are you trying to show me?

If I am still enough I can feel the answer…

Who am I in truth? Am I the watcher, or the watched? Am I the feelings, the happenings, the one to whom they happen?

I am it all.

I am the breath and the body into which it is drawn. I am the cells that feast upon each inhale and release each exhale. I am the essence of the feast itself.

I am the warmth that spreads across the body with each breath and settles down into the root – there to accumulate until it expands out and beyond me.

I am the rhythm, the vibration that creeps in, reflected as the heartbeat.

I am the rhythm that rushes in from ‘outside’ and joins this vibration, amplifying it until it has merged into one.

One voice, one song, one love.

I am it all.

Thank you~

It is Done

It’s magical – I can feel it!

Several messages came while asleep that told me so. There was a light earthquake at 12:33 a.m. and others that I cannot fully recall – only that I was continually at that ½ awake state; I was so excited to wake up and share this!

It is done. And I am getting continuous crackling all through the room in confirmation.

Thank you All for such beautiful assistance to grow, to thrive, to live!

I can let go completely and dive fully into love without hesitation.

Indeed this is my choice~

Love and Gratitude

It is simply stunning today. And I am deeply grateful for each breath I take, each molecule of sunshine that warms my skin.

 As unusual as it may seem, life, while having thrown us a curve ball, still holds the most precious love, perhaps even more so now. After a glorious storm and cleansing rain yesterday the sun is as vibrant as ever today. The light winds caress everything while the water sparkles and dances with expectancy.

Robert has gone out with some guy friends to watch the America’s Cup pre-trials on the bay. A more perfect day could not have been ordered for it. After a morning workout and then some much needed filing projects, we parted ways. This evening we’ll dine with friends who are just one of the many who are determined that they will assist Robert in ‘fattening up’ before treatment begins. I am doing a wonderful job of supporting him in this roll  :-/

As an update, while we have met all the team of doctors and had many tests done, there remain a few before treatment begins. We expect that to be in a week or so. It looks to be a combo of chemo and radiation done concurrently. He’s doing very well, and truly, if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t know that anything was out of balance. We’re remaining very upbeat and positive as healing is all in the attitude! So until it all begins we’re continuing to enjoy all that we have, our dear friends, our love, and our creativity. I mean heck, if you have to be ‘stuck’ some place this is about as good as it gets! J

Everyone has been so beautifully supportive, and we can’t say thank you enough to Karen and Ky, along with Mark and Wendy for allowing us to take refuge in their beautiful homes until the house we are renting becomes available – hopefully mid-week, this week. To my brother for his assistance with energy healing, to Weston for his continual love, support and guidance and all my dear sweet friends and family who check in with me and give me space, too.

Our deepest gratitude to each and every one of you who have been reaching out and touching our hearts with your love and support. We are thriving with all your sweet love!

As odd as it may seem, we both have agreed that this is one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to us. What a wakeup call! I know I am opening, letting go and deepening my connection to Source every day and for that I am eternally grateful.

So, I just wanted to catch you up on the happenings here. If all goes as expected we should be able to return to our beautiful beach house in Abreojos this spring. That is our goal. (Thanks Mona and Gerry and Ed for watching over it for us and watering!) One doctor said Robert would not be surfing for at least a year, but Robert has other designs. He has decided that he will beat that by 4 months. YEAH!

Our daily ritual is to breathe love into our hearts, and release it throughout our bodies in gratitude for all they do for us. Love and gratitude, that is how this healing is going to be made manifest.

Love and Gratitude.

I am sending just that you each of you. May you see the beauty that you are and may your heart accept it with gracious love.

Now that dear friends, will heal the world~

xxoo

Robert

I hurt. I hurt for me, for Robert, for everyone who ever has had to face this dreaded prognosis of cancer/chemo/radiation. It feels unreal and I see how easy it is to just hope that you’ll wake up and all of it will have been a bad dream. I hurt for all the times that I have not opened my heart to those in situations like this, or any time there is pain or sorrow. It pains me to think that I have steeled m heart so……

Tears come so frequently and so suddenly. Sometimes I forget to breathe, and then I have to remind myself to take deep long breaths and allow myself to feel it all. To let Love wash over me and through me, to forgive myself for anything or any time that I might have behaved in a way that was ultimately trying to protect myself from feeling…

This a.m. we met with the ear, nose and throat specialist to get the full lowdown on what’s happening. I say full, but it never is. It’s always just another step, another bout of terrifying news. So the overall diagnosis is stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma. There is a tumor on his tongue and at least one in his neck, in the lymph node. It will require both chemo and radiation, and we’re not sure if surgery is going to be done. There are a couple of options that will be discussed in more depth after Dr. Torchinsky (sorry I may have his name wrong, but it is a long one) presents the findings of another biopsy – to be performed this week- to the specialist board on this type of situation. In the meantime Dr. T has gathered his team- Dr. Christine Rice, oncologist and Dr. Damian Gordon, radiologist- and he is moving forward quickly as possible because of the lateness of this discovery.

The overall outlook seems to be that things will begin to get moving in a couple of weeks. They want to be absolutely sure of what they are dealing with. He said in all honestly it’ll be really rough. Robert will have to have a feeding tube in him for some time – even before the treatment, and he is concerned about his present weight. (You know Robert – always so slim and trim!) So we have to get weight on him a.s.a.p. What a change to go to the grocery store and instead of looking for low fat to do the opposite! Once radiation begins he will not be able to eat for a long time, as his throat will be closed up. I think the most difficult thing for Robert to hear, next to the feeding tube, which really hit hard, was that surfing will be off his radar for at least a year…

On the bright side, we have found a house just a ½ block from our Johnson Ave home, which is rented. That makes it very convenient for us both, as so many friends are close by. Thank you Dave Peterson!!

I know this all comes as a shock to you, believe me, I know! And truly, I am at a loss for words with it all, but so many of you have been asking and offering assistance. We are so deeply touched by the outpouring of love and support. Thank you all.

We both know that the one thing above all else that will help us to get through this is love, deep heartfelt love. So we both ask that you take moments throughout the day and just breathe in love. Fill your heart with sweet golden love. Love yourself. When you touch that beautiful place within it will automatically flow out to us, to everyone who ever has or ever will need it. Because in Truth, we are all connected. Even with all the procedures that lay ahead of us, we would like to treat it with love, and your assistance is so gratefully accepted.

I will continue to post updates on this blog. Feel free to pass it on to anyone who might wish to help or be helped.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for everything and for loving.

1000 Angels

My heart broke open, into 1000 pieces that lay scattered across the floor. I saw each one. And then there were 1000 angels, each one picking up a piece of my heart and putting it back together again. They handed it to me, all healed and even stronger than before for its expression. As I held it in my palm, the 1000 angels parted to reveal 10,000 more behind them waiting, in case they were needed too.

I cried even more.

Somewhere along the line in my lifetime(s) I believed the idea that was presented to me via a multitude of channels that I always needed to hold something back – just in case I needed it later. It might be love, a way to support myself, or how I chose to play. Always, I needed to keep some set aside because if I didn’t, it might run out. So without even knowing it I followed that advice and kept a little part of me separate, not fully expressing all the love that I am. And with that other expressions became bottled up. Certainly I had always believed that anger was not appropriate to express, and sadness had to be contained too, along with a host of others that I am sure I have not even begun to see yet. But the biggest, most painful part to see has been that I would not dive utterly, completely into love.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty loving person, so this realization came as a powerful shock to me. It has limited me in all my expressions, not the least of which has been with my beautiful partner in life, Robert. How could I not have been utterly truthful and open with the man who has been in my life for over 30 years?! Yet, I can see how I was holding something in reserve, just in case.

And, you know, inside I could tell that it affected the amount I would allow myself to receive too. As I searched deeper within to get to the core of it all, I can honestly say that I have never allowed myself to receive fully either. Because, in some interestingly twisted way, the thought was present that if I did accept it all, I’d have to give back that much too, and I might run out.

So I hid. I used disguises like ‘strong’ or ‘spiritual’ or ‘unnecessary’ to distract my attention from what was really going on. I bottled it up and kept a tight lid on it, because I did not want to see it.

But Spirit is so beautiful and patient in its teaching. It will repeat over and over that which we need to hear, until something happens to jolt us into awakening, because that’s why we’re here. Well, something has come up on my horizon to shock the bejezus out of me. Only a few days ago, while preparing to exit San Diego and return to Baja, Robert had a medical exam that uncovered what appears to be mass on the back of his tongue, and a lump in his throat. We are still undergoing tests and exams, so no diagnosis has been made, but every emotion imaginable has arisen, and needless to say lots of tears have been shed.

My mentor lovingly cracked open the box when he asked me to really feel everything that was showing up inside me. I thought I had been. With some guidance I saw how resistant I have been to all of it. Oh how it pained me! I rushed in to tell Robert all that I had discovered and to cry some more, laugh some and above all stand nakedly open, raw, and even vulnerable before him. And to make a vow that I will express from now on, with everyone.

We’re in limbo here, for how long, we don’t know. None of the future is knowable. We only have right now. So staying very present is my chief concern. I want to be here in every moment that comes – be that a week, a year, or a lifetime. I chose to show up. Completely.

And that is when I had the vision of 1000 angels healing my heart. Yes, I hurt. I am scared, but I refuse to hold back love any longer. I only hurt myself when I do. I have chosen to consciously open and become aware. In the oneness of all life, in every form, we are connected and everything is a reflection of my own self. I love Me, in all my infinite expressions. And it begins right here, in this body, called Jill.

Jill, I forgive you for what you once believed to be true. I know now that there is no limit to love; it is infinite and need never be corralled or saved. Thank you, Jill, for showing me this so that I can grow and flourish, blossom even. And know, Jill, that I love you unconditionally.

To all the ‘other’ people who are reading this, you are reflections of my own self, and I want you to know, I love you and I thank you. Don’t be surprised if the next time we meet I seem different.

I am.

Ps, I promise to keep you informed about Robert. Until then, all love, prayers and good wishes are gratefully accepted with the deepest appreciation.

Oh, Good Morning!

Oh, good morning! How are you? Forgive me please, I had not meant to be away for so long. Things have just gotten busy, and well, that is really about the only excuse I have. But I have missed you! I adore these moments of sharing, of opening up and really expressing. You are so appreciated.

Yes, the last month has been quite full, what with leaving Baja for a visit to the States. We stayed in San Diego for a week to get appointments taken care of, and then jetted off to Hawaii for 2 weeks. (One of which was spent at a retreat – ah, the bliss of it!) Now we’re back in SD still doing ‘things’ to get ready to return south in a week or so.

What has been most interesting is noticing the changes in me since having moved to Baja back in July. I see differently. What once seemed to hold fascination or was off-putting, no longer is. I am willing to go to new places, within and without; I am letting go of old paradigms and moving ahead.  And it is very freeing.

As we drove north from Punta Abreojos at the beginning of October, these changes became apparent to me. Where once I might have seen squalor, and judged it as such, I now saw potential, vibrancy and heart. Plazas were festooned with colorful flags celebrating Mexico and her inhabitants. There were orange churches, screaming pink houses, a building with purple turrets, a soft pastel pink YMCA and stores that simply could not be missed for the riot of color out front. What a visual feast! I felt like I was seeing with fresh eyes. Old judgments had dropped and I could breathe. When had I become so intolerant of other lifestyles and choices? At what point had I steeled my heart to not feel openly, with passion and unconditional love? I never knew I had carried such protective armor within.

Arriving in SD we went right to work to take care of various ‘to-dos’ on the list, just to whittle it down somewhat before leaving on the 13^th for Hawaii. I have participated in Weston Jolly’s Hawaii Retreat now for 5 years and I cherish the opportunity each time to open further and grow, and of course this year was no exception. The assistance to dig deeper within and really take accountability for all my choices is something that I am ever grateful for. (Thank you Wes, Karen and all the participants!)

So the 1^st week on Kauai we ‘retreated’ while the 2^nd week was spent snorkeling, reading, hiking, and general enjoyment. But interestingly, for the 1^st time ever, both Robert and I were ready to leave before our scheduled departure. As beautiful as Hawaii is, with the luscious greens and vibrant flora everywhere, it no longer felt the same. Looking carefully at it, I could see that part of the draw of Hawaii had been that I’m on the beach, with blue skies and spectacular cloud formations overhead and I can go jump in the water anytime, it’s so warm. But now I live on the beach, with all those exceptional qualities! (Albeit not with the lush plant life….) Somehow it just didn’t feel as exciting as before.  So I spent a week in heartfelt gratitude for such wonderful opportunities and said good bye to the island. I have gained so much there and I now am ready to move on to new experiences, new places.

And that is kind of how San Diego feels, too.  I do so love my friends here and am grateful for the chance to check in and exchange hugs. Restocking supplies is easy and plentiful here, but the draw to stay – no that is gone. I wondered how I would feel when I returned. Now I know. I am ready to drive south to our casita on the beach, my studio, my paints and to new adventure. There is so much more to being than I ever dreamed imaginable and I choose to explore this! What a joy this life is!

So forgive me, please, if I have been long winded. I just had to let you know where I have been, and why you’ve not heard from me in some time. Certainly it is not for lack of caring, oh no! Many is the time that I have stopped and thought, “I have to write about that!” but I didn’t take my computer with me to Hawaii. I just needed to step aside and check in deeply. And now that I have, get ready, I’m going to adventure!

Autumnal Thoughts

I am sitting at my dining room table facing the water, listening to Hawaiian slack key guitar music, sipping tea and waiting for the sun to get just a little closer to the horizon so that I can go out and bid farewell to the day. It always amazes me how perfectly Hawaiian music fits here. I guess natural beauty celebrated in sound is appropriate no matter where you are.

The sky is filled with small, puffy, cotton ball clouds. There are clouds here like no other place I have ever been. At times there will be wispy, sweeping ‘angel wing’ clouds stretching across the sky that take your breath away they are so stunning. They often appear directly in front of our house.  It’s hard not to feel wealthy here! Life just keeps giving and giving. All l I have to do is accept and receive.

Tonight is the new moon.  It’s perfect weather to cozy up on the porch, watch the Milky Way and look for shooting stars. Just a few days ago it officially became autumn. One has to be delicately attuned to feel a difference as yet. It’s not unlike San Diego in that the light changes and there seems to just a little nip in the air in the mornings and evenings. After all, the thermometer has gotten down to 76! (And this causes us to put on sweaters; oh how quickly we have adapted to the new climate!)

Rowdy tidepooling

With the new moon the tidal swings are extreme. Today’s low tide found Rowdy and me out at the tide pools, enjoying the warm water and wandering here and there. Rowdy is always ecstatic to be in the pools as his favorite pastime is fishing, and our 3 trips there today were simply not enough for his taste. I took my camera and played with underwater photography. There is a certain pool roughly 45 yards out and normally under a good deal of water, which is my favorite. I call it the Castle Pool. At some point in time someone poured a concrete wall way out there – for the life of me I can’t imagine why- but it forms a protected 4 foot deep pool that always has fish and plant life in it. And if Rowdy isn’t bounding across it, it is crystal clear and peaceful.

Lately there have been numerous mobula rays in the bay that repeatedly jump out of the water and fly through the air. Sometimes they land gracefully, sometimes they belly flop. When I first noticed them I Googled ’rays of Baja’ to try and learn something about the phenomenon. Not much info, but some great You Tube clips. Robert and I have been utterly entertained and spent quite a bit of time swimming with them yesterday, just enjoying the show.

Hurricane Hillary is south of Cabo San Lucas right now and it is possible that we might get a little rain this weekend, though it is rare that any storm makes it this far north. I think Pt. Abreojos has an average rainfall of 3” per year, though we’ve been in a drought for some time now…..

Chris, Tracey, Robert, Tattay and Rowdy

We had our first guests this past weekend. Tracey, Chris, and their dog Tattay, stopped by for a couple of nights on their way down to Punta Conejo. What a wonderful time we had entertaining and relaxing. As we have been building I keep seeing us entertaining, but until now it has only been an occasional dinner party. (Admittedly the 13 hour drive here might be a drawback :) They seemed to enjoy walking out the driveway to take a dip in the warm water, occasionally casting a fishing line and long beach walks.

We will be spending 2 weeks in Hawaii in mid-Oct. I am really excited about that too!!  Weston Jolly's Hawaii Retreat– our annual gift to ourselves!  It will be interesting to see how the tropics feel after the desert. And as always, a change of pace and scenery is good for the creative spirit. In that vein of thought I plan to visit Oaxaca in Feb. (Look for a blog on that trip soon, as we still need 4 people to complete the list!)

Summer has been absolutely exquisite and I am looking forward to seeing what fall will bring. I hear that it is the most beautiful season here. I can’t imagine it being any more splendid!

I Love

I love how the wind caresses my skin with warmth.

I love how the sea is ever changing in its dress, its color, its texture and song.

I love the way the birds dance with the wind, how the pelicans glide so gracefully only to land so clumsily.

I love how the clouds gather across the horizon forming vast billowing thunderheads one day and shear soaring angel wings the next.

I love the blues and turquoises bunched up against tans and browns, earth colors against sea and sky.

I love the ripples left by the receding waves, patterns of infinite beauty and texture, fascinating the artist within me to see dark against light, color and texture.

I love the songs, the calls of the birds awakening me each morning, inviting the sun to rise above the mountains across the bay and climb across the sky yet again.

I am surrounded by inspiration, by wealth of Life, by the Earth, Sky and Water. It is my honor to play here, to explore this.

With each inhale I receive. With each exhale I give back the love extended 10 fold.

I love this dance~

Painting: Baja Landscapes #4

Artist and Copyright Jill Mollenhauer 2011

For more information Jill Mollenhauer.com

Fiesta Weekend

The day was ending as magically as it had begun. I was sitting sipping sweet tea on the patio under an expanse of blazing stars. The Milky Way began at the horizon directly in front of me and shot across the inky sky over my head and beyond the rooftop. How could I possibly not feel utterly rich when surrounded by such beauty?

It had begun with a pre-dawn walk along the beach, Robert, Rowdy and I. The warm water invited us to walk knee deep. Baby dolphins were playing in the shore break directly in front of us and their child-like energy was infections. It was such a delight that we failed to even notice the sun’s climb above the horizon until it was shining fully upon land and sea. What a precious way to begin this fiesta weekend!

Mexican Independence Day, Sept 16th, is celebrated here in Abreojos with days of partying, parades, dancing, games and a fishing tournament that draws contestants from near and far. It is their ‘4^th of July’. Our neighbors Tom and Marianne have a house full of Norte Americanos who have come down for the event.

Never having experienced this holiday before, we didn’t know what to expect. We had planned to go to the festivities in town, but getting information regarding the times for these events always seemed to draw multiple conflicting answers, so we decided to spend the majority of the day working on the house and then show up in the afternoon. After all there were 3 days of fiesta planned. Surely we would not miss them all!

There seems to be a custom here in Baja (maybe all of Mexico, I don’t know) that the arrival of the rancheros from the outlying ranches signals the beginning of the ‘real’ party. Since many of the ranches are deep in the mountains or desert, in times past, it could take days for them to ride their horses into the closest town to celebrate. (This accounts for why Mexican parties are known to last several days and the hosts feed and shelter their guests for the interim.) While trucks and vehicles have become the preferred method of transport nowadays, they still bring their horses and begin the festivities with a parade, riding down the main street.  We really wanted to see this, but not knowing when it was scheduled (oh what a word for Mexico!) we voted for getting some projects done.

Imagine my surprise when I heard Robert calling me to come outside and see something. There were about 30-40 riders moving along the road out front! Mixed in with the horses were quite a few cars and further down, the road was lined with more cars and people who knew the horses were coming out here. I stepped outside my front door, walked across the driveway and enjoyed the parade. It had come to me!

Early in the afternoon we went into town to see what was going on. We strolled the malecon and saw the stage that had been erected for the band, the children’s play area, the booths that lined the street selling various foods, and the houses that had miraculously become ‘restaurants’ with tables, chairs and sign boards listing their menus.

Having experienced the street fairs of San Diego my whole life, with their sheer size and volume of attendees, one must appreciate what it is like here in a town of 1600 people and cultural differences. This is a big event here.  Meapa (Muheres en Accion, Punta Abreojos- Women in Action, Punta Abreojos) spends days cleaning the town, cooking for the rancheros, organizing events and planning the games.  Mexican flags fly from car antennas and garlands of green, white and red are strung everywhere. There is a surf contest (2 divisions according to age) with judges who are brought in from Wild Coast (a US based environmental group), dance performances by the children, an awards ceremony and of course the crowning of the Queen. And all this carries a certain innocence and delightful simplicity that I’ve never experienced in the States. The festival street is only 2 blocks long. Yet the enthusiasm is huge.

By sunset, many of our friends – Americans and locals alike- lined the street, libations in hand. I noticed a thick white rope some 50 feet long stretched across the sand. Tug of war? Yep.  Before too long groups would gather by the rope, teams would form and Eduardo would officiate with just enough solemnity and lightheartedness to make it fun and a serious challenge.  There were girls against boys, Gringos against Mexicans, rancheros against fishermen, and general free for all’s. Robert and our friends competed in a Gringo/Mexican round and everyone was completely spent afterwards. The American ‘pod’ sat on the beach close by and cheered and shouted encouragements.  And here is where some cultural differences show up.

It seems that cheering is not done for things like this, nor is clapping after a band finishes a song. While we boisterously shouted and hooted the rest of the crowd was probably looking at us as though we were noisy children. That is not to say that the Mexicans do not participate. Heavens no! They will dance until sunrise and play with more heart than you can imagine, but they do not clap or shout. (Except at the baseball games, then it the exact opposite.) It seems so unusual to me, yet their energy lasts until dawn and I simply do not. So who knows? Maybe they are just too dignified to let go until more beer has been consumed; I have never lasted long enough at the gatherings to find out.

The highlight of the evening for us was the pole climb. I’d never witnessed this before and I marveled at the determined attitude of the competitors, along with their physical strength and fortitude. A 30 to 40 foot pole had been erected in the sand on the beach, just in front of the tug of war zone and it had been slathered very liberally with axle grease. At the top were 4 pieces of paper that fluttered in the wind on short strings. The goal was to get to the top and tear all the papers off the pole. Someone told me that you wanted to be the 60^th person to try because until most of that grease was removed, there was no chance.  And to top it off I hear axle grease is next to impossible to clean up.

Right around sunset a group of young men approached the pole and began to run their hands up and down it, as high up as they could reach, removing as much of the  blue lubricant as they could and then flinging it on to the sand. (We all backed up rapidly!) Obviously they had been planning their attack for some time as they had 6 in their group and they seemed to know how they wanted to do it. The two biggest burliest guys formed the bottom tier by hugged each other tightly with the pole between them. Then, one by one, the others climbed up onto their shoulders and began to make a chain of bodies stretching to the top - they hoped. One minute they would look so strong then slowly the grease, that had by now spread to every inch of their bodies, faces and clothes alike, would take over and in slow motion they’d slide down the pole, landing in a heap, like an overheated candle that had melted.  The grease mixed with the sand and sweat gave for better traction and every so often they would apply more sand on top of the grease.  (I am sure that they had to throw away their clothing afterwards!)

It took 11 tries to reach the top and between each attempt they would gather to reassess the situation. Extra bodies were brought in when on try #8 they had all participants up and steady, but were just 3 feet shy of being able to reach the papers. When they did reach the top, smiles, cheers, back slapping and beers were liberally passed around.

By this time the sun had long set. The band was playing and people were beginning to dance. We joined them for a while and then headed home, knowing that the party would last until dawn at least. And most of these folks were signed up for the fishing tournament at 6 a.m. the following day! I don’t know how they do it, but do it, they did.

We wandered down the next day around 4 to see results of the tournament’s catch, and the whole festival area had been moved off the street and onto the beach. MEAPA was serving free fish meals, the Tecate booth was doing brisk business and 5 massive black sea bass hung waiting to be weighed. The band was playing, families were seated under shade tents and the tournament’s sponsor, Shimano, was tallying the results for all the categories. Our neighbor Marianne had a yellow tail in the running in the women’s division. The sun was beating down on the playa and by this time we both had had enough partying, so we returned home.

Today (the following day) all is quiet. I think most people are sleeping still. Many folks will be leaving tomorrow, headed back to their home bases and life around here will return to its relaxing speed.  It has been a wonderful holiday weekend and I am glad that I got to experience it.

The riches keep flowing!

A Little Trip to Heaven

Living in a surf community, for those of you who, like me, do not surf, can become rather monotonous.  At times I find it rather disheartening. To share a common passion is such a beautiful thing and I honor the beauty and fluidity of the sport! Really, I do! I just wish that sometimes the conversation could include some other topics…..

Punta Abreojos is such a naturally stunning place; it attracts avid surfers and kite borders alike, but few of them actually live here for more than a few weeks (even days) at a time. Naturally their time here revolves around their passion. But certainly there is more to life than the waves! It was at one such point of frustration that I told Robert I was questioning my ability to live here full time. “Please, I need something more!”

In a stroke of genius he suggested we take a little ‘vacation’.  We plan on going to the Sea of Cortez this winter and it is blistering hot there right now, so that was out of the question. However Bahia Asuncion, a town just a 2 ½ hour drive up the coast, has a new B&B that looked to be just the ticket. Thank goodness for the internet; we found all we needed to make what looked like a wonderful overnight adventure.

We asked our neighbors up the hill, Mona and Jerry, to go with us and off we started one Monday morning, bags packed and picnic lunches in hand. We stopped at Punta Chorros, a surf spot just a few kilometers south of the town to walk and explore before heading on and checking in.

Jean and Ed Epifani, the owners of Bahia Asuncion B&B couldn’t have been more pleasant and delightful. We hit it off right away. The rooms were clean and beautifully decorated. Since they were not quite finished with the construction, they gave us a wonderful deal on the price. They live half the year in Punta Chivato, on the gulf side, and half the year at the in Bahia Asuncion. Fluent in Spanish, Jean leads trips to Oaxaca at least once a year and she is a wealth of knowledge concerning all things Mexican.

After suggesting several places for dinner, the guys’ desire for a burger won out and we went to Loncheria Mari.  What a hoot! Tomas, the owner and chef was entertaining, accommodating and he makes a mean seafood cocktail. We had way more food than we could eat, and it was all so good! As we sat at the table, beers in hand, my eyes wandered around the small room and rested on the ceiling fan just above. All 3 light bulbs were a different color – 2 of them even painted in swirls! And a goofy Christmas reindeer ornament hung as a pull. I just have to love the Mexican way, always a surprise!

Tomas asked us if we wanted musica and when we said, yes, but not too loud please, he put on a mix of Reggae and Carlos Santana; it set a perfect tone for the evening. Mona wanted a mineral water, so Tomas ran down the street to buy one. Robert and Jerry wanted tequila, so Robert drove back to the B&B and got a bottle he had brought. Through it all Tomas smiled, laughed and conversed with us with a pure open heart. We so enjoyed our meal there!

We turned in shortly after returning to our rooms and thankfully the beds were wonderful. (Jean’s innkeeper’s motto is ‘don't dread the beds!’)The following morning she delivered fresh coffee and then breakfast to the patio table between our 2 rooms, so we could just stumble out of bed, sit outside and enjoy the morning air. Ahhh, just what the doctor ordered! My spirits were definitely picking up.

It turns out that Jean is a beautiful weaver and she shared with me some of her pieces. In our conversation she opened up a whole new side of Baja for me – the art community. J She knows so many local artists and has connections to shows in Baja. I was even invited to participate. I am saved! I am sure that we delayed breakfast by quite a bit; we were so engrossed in art talk.

About 3 weeks earlier we happened to meet a woman in Vizcaino while standing line at the bank. She told us she lived in Bahia Asuncion, but what we didn’t know is that she’s a good friend of Jean and Ed’s, so Beth joined us for breakfast on the patio. (Jean had told her we were coming.)

Beth is also an artist. She makes beautiful jewelry from fossilized shells and shark’s teeth. We visited her house/studio after leaving Jean and Ed’s and spent a wonderful day getting to know her and seeing her creations. She lives out on the point and listening to the waves crashing and the seal rookery there was a totally different experience than our more tranquil bay front property.

Driving home I felt reborn. 2 whole days with conversation that did not revolve solely around surf – heaven! I felt alive again. There is hope for me here yet! Robert suggested that anytime I feel the need I should just jet up the road and get a dose of artistic conversation.

I guess it’s all about your passion~

For more information on Bahia Asuncion check out the town’s web site. Also listed is Jean and Ed’s B&B, along with Loncheria Mari.  http://www.bahiaasuncion.org/index.html

For more information on Jean’s 10 day trips to Oaxaca (which we will be taking in Feb 2012!) email her at: jeanbcs@hotmail.com

Sunset Adventure

It looked like it was going to be another beautiful sunset and having just experienced driving on the sand a few days earlier, Robert suggested we head to the beach north of town to enjoy the show. We had heard that a pilot whale had washed ashore several miles up so we thought we’d go look for that also.

An adventure! Our trusty 4 wheel drive Toyota pickup has always been miraculous when it comes to reliability and it is the perfect Baja vehicle for such outings. So we headed across town just a bit before la puesta del sol.

I’m still new to the off road scene, and truthfully I still get a little squeamish. For some reason I would rather be outside the vehicle watching some (to my mind) questionable maneuver than inside. Crazy, I know, but I do. So I got out of the truck at the beach ‘to check the softness of the sand’. It felt pretty dicey to me, but we already know I can be a chicken.

So Robert took off across the beach and then stopped to let me back in the truck. That’s when the vehicle started to sink. Try as he might it just kept digging deeper and deeper. Luckily we had brought a big shovel and since we were in 4 wheel drive we knew that it was going to come out eventually. Something told me I should check the hubs to be sure it really was in 4 wheel, and I did, but I only checked one hub…..

The sun was rapidly approaching the horizon, and we were buried up to the rear axle, so as Robert furiously kept digging I began collecting rocks and shrubs to put under the tires, anything to get a surface to grip. There was no one else in sight, and we both silently thought it’d be really great if we had help. And we kept digging.

At this rate we knew we’d be there until at least an hour or 2 after dark. I wasn’t too worried about the tide catching us, just the darkness. And I questioned myself, ‘Why do I feel fear? After all, it’s nothing more than adventure, a change of plans, something new to experience!’ With breath I let go of the old conditioning that said unplanned things must be feared, and began to enjoy finding the perfect rocks for the extraction.

About 5 minutes later, over the sand dune leading to the beach, a big blue truck filled with Mexicans pulled up, 2 in the cab, 4 in the back. They must have come to watch the sunset too, we thought. The 4 in back jumped out and ran to the water; the 2 in front offered assistance. Luckily we had a tow strap and were able to hook onto their vehicle and lickity split we were out! How grateful we were!  

One guy knew a little bit of English and was having a wonderful time speaking it. We profusely offered all our Spanish thanks and they all piled back into the truck to head home. Seems they must have seen us from town and drove over just to help us out!

Then Robert noticed that one of the hubs – the one I had not checked – had slipped out of 4 wheel drive. No wonder we weren’t able to drive across the beach! He began to question how that had happened – in Spanish – and with great flourish, our multi lingual benefactor placed his hand on my shoulder, and solemnly said, in perfect English, “Shit happens.”

A huge grin broke out across his face and we all started laughing. Moments later we too drove off, thankful for the kindness of strangers and appreciative of the adventure we had just created.