1000 Angels

My heart broke open, into 1000 pieces that lay scattered across the floor. I saw each one. And then there were 1000 angels, each one picking up a piece of my heart and putting it back together again. They handed it to me, all healed and even stronger than before for its expression. As I held it in my palm, the 1000 angels parted to reveal 10,000 more behind them waiting, in case they were needed too.

I cried even more.

Somewhere along the line in my lifetime(s) I believed the idea that was presented to me via a multitude of channels that I always needed to hold something back – just in case I needed it later. It might be love, a way to support myself, or how I chose to play. Always, I needed to keep some set aside because if I didn’t, it might run out. So without even knowing it I followed that advice and kept a little part of me separate, not fully expressing all the love that I am. And with that other expressions became bottled up. Certainly I had always believed that anger was not appropriate to express, and sadness had to be contained too, along with a host of others that I am sure I have not even begun to see yet. But the biggest, most painful part to see has been that I would not dive utterly, completely into love.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty loving person, so this realization came as a powerful shock to me. It has limited me in all my expressions, not the least of which has been with my beautiful partner in life, Robert. How could I not have been utterly truthful and open with the man who has been in my life for over 30 years?! Yet, I can see how I was holding something in reserve, just in case.

And, you know, inside I could tell that it affected the amount I would allow myself to receive too. As I searched deeper within to get to the core of it all, I can honestly say that I have never allowed myself to receive fully either. Because, in some interestingly twisted way, the thought was present that if I did accept it all, I’d have to give back that much too, and I might run out.

So I hid. I used disguises like ‘strong’ or ‘spiritual’ or ‘unnecessary’ to distract my attention from what was really going on. I bottled it up and kept a tight lid on it, because I did not want to see it.

But Spirit is so beautiful and patient in its teaching. It will repeat over and over that which we need to hear, until something happens to jolt us into awakening, because that’s why we’re here. Well, something has come up on my horizon to shock the bejezus out of me. Only a few days ago, while preparing to exit San Diego and return to Baja, Robert had a medical exam that uncovered what appears to be mass on the back of his tongue, and a lump in his throat. We are still undergoing tests and exams, so no diagnosis has been made, but every emotion imaginable has arisen, and needless to say lots of tears have been shed.

My mentor lovingly cracked open the box when he asked me to really feel everything that was showing up inside me. I thought I had been. With some guidance I saw how resistant I have been to all of it. Oh how it pained me! I rushed in to tell Robert all that I had discovered and to cry some more, laugh some and above all stand nakedly open, raw, and even vulnerable before him. And to make a vow that I will express from now on, with everyone.

We’re in limbo here, for how long, we don’t know. None of the future is knowable. We only have right now. So staying very present is my chief concern. I want to be here in every moment that comes – be that a week, a year, or a lifetime. I chose to show up. Completely.

And that is when I had the vision of 1000 angels healing my heart. Yes, I hurt. I am scared, but I refuse to hold back love any longer. I only hurt myself when I do. I have chosen to consciously open and become aware. In the oneness of all life, in every form, we are connected and everything is a reflection of my own self. I love Me, in all my infinite expressions. And it begins right here, in this body, called Jill.

Jill, I forgive you for what you once believed to be true. I know now that there is no limit to love; it is infinite and need never be corralled or saved. Thank you, Jill, for showing me this so that I can grow and flourish, blossom even. And know, Jill, that I love you unconditionally.

To all the ‘other’ people who are reading this, you are reflections of my own self, and I want you to know, I love you and I thank you. Don’t be surprised if the next time we meet I seem different.

I am.

Ps, I promise to keep you informed about Robert. Until then, all love, prayers and good wishes are gratefully accepted with the deepest appreciation.