I am in Love

I am in love. Yes, it’s true, I am. My heart swells and I sometimes tear at the thought of all those with whom I am in love.

It’s often said that there are many kinds of love – and there are- and that to be in love is different from just loving. Well, I choose to change that. Ultimately, it is my intention, my preference if you will, to offer unconditional love all across the board.

As I explore exactly what that means I have bumped into many rather unattractive places within my own self, places I  rather wish were not there at all. Yet I have to face the fact that indeed they do exist. And if I am to be true to my own self I must own up to all that I have created in my life and change that which no longer fits me- like an old dress that I inherited, and wore, but no longer wish to clothe myself with.

So in my choice to be extending unconditional love, it means I must consciously exist in love all the time. Thus I am being truthful when I say, “I am in love”.

I am deeply in love with all the beautiful beings that have offered their assistance, support, good wishes and prayers for both Robert and me as we journey deeper into this experience called ‘cancer treatment.’ I am in love with those of you who stopped by yesterday at the chemo center and added your support to assist us in getting through the day, to each of the precious friends who have allowed me to have a moment’s cry upon your shoulder (because I needed it).

I am in love with the sweet ladies at the treatment center who gently attend to my partner with such dignity and grace, and who keep me informed and up to date. I am utterly amazed at the genuine care and sweet tenderness that is shared all around, from my tennis girlfriends to the clerks in Trader Joes, or the baristas at Starbucks. How I love you all!

The meals, the rides, the calls, the Facebook notes – all of them have touched me and I fall deeper in love each day. Please know that my life is being lived moment to moment right now – I cannot extent myself much further than that, so I hope you can feel what I am offering, because this is all I can focus on. My attention needs to be here, now.

I love you~

Update on Robert:

Yesterday’s chemo treatment was preceded by several days of intense challenge. Half way through the day yesterday he finally relaxed and allowed himself to let go. Last night was as restful as could be, considering. Today he has been queasy, but his spirits are higher than they have been for some time. I think that the thought of repeating chemo was quite taxing for him – understandably - and he sank deep into despair for a while there. Hopefully this weekend will not be as challenging as the last post-treatment one was. At least we have an idea of what to expect this time through.

Robert’s birthday is on Monday Jan 2^nd. It might not be our finest or most exciting New Year’s or birthday weekend, but I am sure it will remain in our memory banks forever!

Here’s wishing you a beautiful holiday weekend and a spectacular 2012. I know there is so much to come!

It's Christmas

It’s Christmas, Beloved, just barely. The world is quiet and sounds are magnified.

What is my wish?

For peace, peace among men, peace in our hearts.

Peace from the civil war that we have waged against our own selves from time immemorial. The peace within that no longer fights with what we should or should-not do, but clearly is at one with our truest wishes and lives them as such.

The peace of one who follows her own heart and inner guidance with a pure knowing that this is absolutely perfect for me. For clearly if I am at peace within my own self, I am at peace with the world, for it is but a reflection of me.

I wish for love – and that too begins right here.

~For in the depths of your soul shall ye find love. There it is hidden – locked away – most ready to be liberated in a moment’s notice of unquestioning freedom, of Voice, of Spirit, of All That Is. Clearly you are the breath of Love, for your choices so acted upon, reflect your point of view.

Allow love to flow freely as never before. Unlock all the dungeon doors within and breathe love to the surface to be liberated, set free, emancipated. Allow Love its flight, for surely it has wings and can cover great distances with but the blink of an eye – a thought.

I am love. I carry the seeds of Love’s bounty within me ever ready to germinate, grow, and flourish – over and over and over again without limits to its expressions.

Created by Page Hodel, http://www.mondayheartsformadalene.com/

I am the seed of peace, of love, the Dove itself. I carry it in my connection to All. It begins with me.

It is Christmas. May I always carry this beauty truthfully and consciously in my heart.

May I say – I love you all.

Merry Christmas.

My Gift

When I was a child we had a babysitter, Dee, an older woman, large and loving, who always said I had a guardian angel. In fact she always called me her guardian angel. Time and time again, her simple wisdom proved amazing. What I took as ‘just words’ back then I now realize was a beautiful invitation to an invisible network of support, a network that is available to each of us, on this level and beyond. Contrary to what others would lead us to believe, we are supported in the most brilliant of ways.

When the choice to play here on Earth was made, each of us received unfathomable connections to our Source so that we would never forget how deeply loved and cherished we truly are. Much goes on here that would offer different beliefs, but I know otherwise. If my life has been teaching me anything as of late, it’s that there is a network - a matrix - of love and assistance that none can change or remove. It is only our choice to ignore it that allows it to lessen in its appearance throughout our lives. Support it, and it grows.

There are ‘good’ days and there are ‘bad’ days, days where my smile is as wide as the Grand Canyon, and days where I just want it all to end, the hurt, the uncertainty, the challenges I see my partner going through in his journey with cancer.

Yet somehow, when I reach out and ask – really ask – for guidance, assistance, strength, unconditional love, I receive it. Every time. Not always through the avenue that I was expecting, but there none the less. Sometimes it comes in the form of a phone call offering help. Another time it was a rainbow stretched over the house and a songbird in the tree out front. However it shows up, this love touches me deeply and clears out whatever I had been holding onto, as if I had to protect myself. And each time it is a message that is very personal to me. How can I not be grateful?!

So in the depths of my meditation the other night I started to write what ‘advice’ I would give to an incoming being about life here on Earth. And it ended up being a stunning channeled message for my own self. What beauty there is in our connectedness!

I wrote:

What would I want to say?

~There is much to be experienced here – both seemingly ‘good’ and ‘bad’. None are to be judged as such, only take note. For in your acceptance of each, things will flow more easily and certainly be more fun.

~Enjoy all that this world has to offer you. There is great beauty therein. Life is infinite in its interpretations, shapes and sounds. Participate as you are so drawn to and see the beauty that is expressed at each corner, each intersection. Nature is abundance and pleasure is adored.

~Choose a direction of expression that is passionate to you. For in your choices you will be fortified with strength and devotion to all that is Us.

~ Know how deeply you are loved and supported by All That Is. Beings beyond your remembrance lift and guide you through all situations with but a request for help. Never are you alone. Never.

~Your choice to come here is celebrated by many. Please enjoy the experience. Play with gusto. Live larger, love with every fiber of your being. Breathe deeply, consciously, fully. Open and allow it all to be felt in your love for your own self – your own journey here – for this is why you came- to express it all.

~Don’t hold back for anyone else’s choice to be in discomfort. They will grow – or not - as they so choose. Do not allow their choices to dictate your speed, your altitude, your direction. Limiting yourself thusly only reduces the light you project and no one benefits in the end by such measures. That is not love – no matter what you are told otherwise.

~ Allow yourself to be swallowed whole by This that is you. Swim in it. You are beautiful, so complete, so divine in nature. Dive in. Just as Queen’s Bath (Kauai) supports  and lifts you – so too will We, your own self expressed through numerous reflections, on numerous levels and varied ‘shapes’. Know We are here to guide you, support you, and connect you in your choice to be so attended.

~We salute your choices to express this. We long for your deepest expressions to be made manifest and you also have this longing – this desire. Such beauty should not be contained in a little box. It does not fit.

May you feel the deepest expressions of love that are contained herein. Take them into your heart and feel the joy behind the words. I offer them as a Christmas gift, a holiday gift, a timeless gift of gratitude and appreciation for you being truly you.

Thank you~

And as a follow up on Robert:

We’re ¼ of the way through treatment today. He actually gained back 2 lbs as of yesterday!! Yippee!! His next chemo is on the 29^th of Dec, and he gets radiation every Mon- Fri. He’s ‘recovered’ from the 1^st chemo, but now the radiation is beginning to be felt. We’re told that soon he won’t be able to swallow without difficulty and food will lose its taste. We’re working at putting on as much poundage as possible before that!

With a change in diet, lots of water, plenty of naps, and as much walking and exercise as we possibly can fit in- so far, so good.  The holidays will not be quite like the usual, but we are together, and ever so grateful for all the help that has been extended. Your emails and phone calls, visits and good wishes are definitely working!!

If you are around on Thurs Dec 29^th and can stop in at Sharp Memorial Outpatient Infusion Center (3075 Health Center Dr. suite 102, 92123) from 11:30 a.m. – 5:00 p.m., I know that he’d love a visit. (They will validate your parking.)

Thanks for all your wonderful assistance with the surf videos! Perfect!

Robert’s birthday is Mon Jan 2 and sure to be not as pleasurable as usual. If you wish to email him: rblando@sbcglobal.net.

Thank you!

xxoo

I am Learning

I am learning so much from this experience already. Even now it is exactly one of those things that one hears of - how adversity strengthens us and makes us grow. Well, I have always asked myself to grow, to open, to be absolutely true to that which is Divine, and this is how it is showing up for me right now. I accept this, gratefully. (I may now always be graceful in my acceptance, but I am filled with gratitude for each opportunity I have to be more present, more truthful, more honed in my awareness and for all those who assist me in this way.)

This is not a fight - a challenge yes.  From the beginning we both have chosen to view this experience of cancer as an adventure, something we have, on some level, chosen to create so that we can grow and thrive in new ways. We both have chosen to act in love. I would rather go with the Flow, spreading the energy of love than create a battle ground of strife and fear. Please do not think this leaves me helpless, far from it. It gives me strength.

As I watch my beautiful beloved partner, who has always been a pillar of physical strength, be in immense pain from just the preliminary preparations for treatment, it both hurts and shocks me. He has always been so healthy, and to see him bent over walking like an old man stuns me.  And we have yet to really begin…. Where it will go, how it will go, in truth, I don’t know, but I hold closely to that vision of our home in Baja, of returning there in the spring and once again walking by the water, smelling the salty air, seeing him run off with his surf board under his arm, and returning to my beautiful art studio upstairs.

Somewhere along the way in my life I picked up the lesson that I had to be strong, emotionless even. That I could make my way through anything. And all that really did was numb the hell out of me. Well, this, my friends, is a wakeup call for me.  If I am to survive this intact and whole, I need to learn to ask for help and receive it with graceful, grateful appreciation. It’s OK to ask – that’s my lesson right now.

Up until now, I had not been able to understand what will be needed. So many have offered their assistance yet Robert has been so strong that I couldn’t even imagine what to ask for. But now I am getting an inkling of what might be in store and I can see that to take care of him, I also need to take care of me.

I need help with housework, with driving him to his daily radiation appointment – 5 days a week for 7 weeks (beginning Thurs Dec 8, ending Fri Jan 27^th).  I need help in the form of just having someone to come and sit with him, keep him company for a couple of hours that will allow me to do what I need to recharge. I need nutritious healthy food to keep us both going strong. I need to be able to take time to myself for exercise, creating, what have you. (I hope to get art equipment today, as all my things are in Baja!)

There is so much about to happen in the form of his treatment this coming week – the beginning of Dec – and I admit to being at a loss for much of it. I have to dive in and really face this head on. I think before I just was too scared to do so. Now I know I have to. I have to look my fears straight in the eye, and say thank you, I will grow, I will thrive, I will live and I will love.

If you see a way in which you would like to participate, please, I thank you for it. If sending love is what is available from you, I thank you for it.

Just the opportunity to express this is so huge for me.

I am learning so much.....