Freedom Day

This update will be down and dirty folks. I want to keep you caught up on what’s happening and I find the time slips past me so quickly….

Tomorrow – Jan 30^th- will be Robert’s last radiation treatment. He had his last chemo a week ago. That wraps up 7 weeks of treatment – 35 radiations and 3 chemos. Thank goodness that we’re finally at the end! Now the rebuilding will begin.

For those of you who have not seen him, or haven’t been in touch with me, the sum is that he is now about 24 lbs lighter – so you can imagine how thin that is. He is very weak, his strength has slipped away and a walk around the block takes every bit he has. He sleeps a lot, and is looking forward to eating again. His throat is very red and sore – inside and out, and we’re working on sloughing off the dead burned skin cells on the outside and rebuilding fresh pink ones.  

He has lost the hair around the base of his hair line in back and they said that he most likely will never be able to grow a beard (oh well! ) now. His voice is strained due to very sore throat, but that should be changing soon.

We’re told that it’ll be 2 weeks or so before he really feels a change in his strength or overall health, because the radiation continues to do its stuff for that long afterward, but that in 4 weeks “you’ll feel 100% better”( from the radiologist). Whatever the case, we’re going to be working on assisting him to eat. That has been the main issue as the product that he is fed through the feed tube in his stomach upsets him and he hates it. Swallowing is a challenge though he is doing a little every day.

Last we heard the tumors were 90% shrunk – and that was over a week ago. They said that he has responded very well – best they have ever seen in fact. I have high hopes that this will be the only round of treatments!

Life will begin again, headed toward some semblance of ‘normalcy’, officially on Tues – at least that is what we’re calling for. It’s Freedom Day! We are both thinking of how to symbolically celebrate it – that he can do – and yet make it a milestone. Still working on ideas there!

Many many thanks to everyone who has participated in this journey with us, for it has been a journey! The rides, the meals, the prayers and good thoughts, the phone calls to check in with me and see if I have been holding up have all been so deeply appreciated! I will let you know how the healing goes, and hope to renew my blogging before too long!!!

With deepest gratitude~

xo

Connecting

We gird ourselves. Layers of protection are spread across our bodies in the hopes that we will remain untouched. And yet that is exactly what we want most – to touch and be touched, to feel our connection to one another, to the Earth, the stars, to Life. Witness Michelangelo’s ‘Creation of Adam’ celebrating God’s touch with humankind. Or ET’s reaching out and touching his young friend. How celebrated that visual of reaching out to connect has been!

We are beings of connection, on many levels, from deep within, to the surface expression of sexual joining. We love it, we adore it.

So why the multiple layers of protection? Why have we piled on all these layers of seeming protection from that which we so deeply desire? Where did we decide that to be connected was threatening?

As I explore my own self I am continuously amazed at where I have layered myself with these ideas of protection. Like a football player who dons his uniform of extensive padding, I have carried this armor unaware. I have approached things like a warrior, ready to strike out if I felt threatened. I learned and accepted that it was necessary for survival. Now if I look deeply and honestly I can feel the spaces in my body where I have clenched to protect and ultimately to separate.

‘Is this truly necessary, or even desired?’ I ask myself. Do I really want to go about life with all this extra heavy ‘equipment’ strapped upon my body, weighing me down, hiding me and ultimately tiring me out, only to leave my body aged and frail?

What if I just let go?

What if I stand naked, lighter, unashamed and free of all the trappings of protection? After all, the closest thing we share is breath. And I certainly can’t – nor want to – cut myself off there. It sustains my body! Every breath I take has been circulated around the globe to be shared by billions of people, animals, plants and the like. It is our connection to one another. It is a cycle that was formed to remind us of our oneness, to feed and clear one another, to connect us at the Source level.

I am finding the process of divestiture to be very liberating, very freeing and very sweet. Conscious breath is just the beginning, but it is so cleansing! My choice to express as Jill – not as any family member or societal dictum would have it – is crucial to my blossoming. So what if it has taken me 50-something years to do this, what an adventure it is! The weight is already lifting.

A Quick Update on Robert

A quick update on Robert

This last weekend – the New Year weekend – was a really rough one. Robert had his 2^nd of three chemos on Thurs the 29^th and as anyone familiar with the process will tell you – it sneaks up on you. Nine pounds lighter by Tuesday, he was very weak and still had trouble keeping anything down. We’re doing all we can to assist him, but I sure feel helpless. While the 3 day weekend was a nice break from the every weekday radiation, it was on the other hand, more challenging as we could not get into hydration. (He goes in every weekday a.m. to get hydrated via infusion. )

So as of today we’re 2/3’s the way through chemo and a little over ½ through radiation. What a process! I feel for anyone who has to go through this alone. (And I have heard of many!) The target date is Jan 29^th. There’s a big calendar on the wall and the days get crossed off nice and visibly each day.

The good news is that Dr. Smith, the radiologist, said yesterday that the tumor on the back of his tongue has shrunk 80% and the one in his neck has also almost disappeared! The news thrilled me and sent me on a high, only to be brought back to the here and now as Robert strains to have some sense of ‘normalcy’ in his life right now. Breaking the cycle of not being able to keep anything down has proved a challenge beyond imagining right now.

One day at a time, one moment at a time…….

Thanks to everyone who has so graciously offered transportation, fed me and just been there for support. Please know we both are eternally grateful!!