I am Learning

I am learning so much from this experience already. Even now it is exactly one of those things that one hears of - how adversity strengthens us and makes us grow. Well, I have always asked myself to grow, to open, to be absolutely true to that which is Divine, and this is how it is showing up for me right now. I accept this, gratefully. (I may now always be graceful in my acceptance, but I am filled with gratitude for each opportunity I have to be more present, more truthful, more honed in my awareness and for all those who assist me in this way.)

This is not a fight - a challenge yes.  From the beginning we both have chosen to view this experience of cancer as an adventure, something we have, on some level, chosen to create so that we can grow and thrive in new ways. We both have chosen to act in love. I would rather go with the Flow, spreading the energy of love than create a battle ground of strife and fear. Please do not think this leaves me helpless, far from it. It gives me strength.

As I watch my beautiful beloved partner, who has always been a pillar of physical strength, be in immense pain from just the preliminary preparations for treatment, it both hurts and shocks me. He has always been so healthy, and to see him bent over walking like an old man stuns me.  And we have yet to really begin…. Where it will go, how it will go, in truth, I don’t know, but I hold closely to that vision of our home in Baja, of returning there in the spring and once again walking by the water, smelling the salty air, seeing him run off with his surf board under his arm, and returning to my beautiful art studio upstairs.

Somewhere along the way in my life I picked up the lesson that I had to be strong, emotionless even. That I could make my way through anything. And all that really did was numb the hell out of me. Well, this, my friends, is a wakeup call for me.  If I am to survive this intact and whole, I need to learn to ask for help and receive it with graceful, grateful appreciation. It’s OK to ask – that’s my lesson right now.

Up until now, I had not been able to understand what will be needed. So many have offered their assistance yet Robert has been so strong that I couldn’t even imagine what to ask for. But now I am getting an inkling of what might be in store and I can see that to take care of him, I also need to take care of me.

I need help with housework, with driving him to his daily radiation appointment – 5 days a week for 7 weeks (beginning Thurs Dec 8, ending Fri Jan 27^th).  I need help in the form of just having someone to come and sit with him, keep him company for a couple of hours that will allow me to do what I need to recharge. I need nutritious healthy food to keep us both going strong. I need to be able to take time to myself for exercise, creating, what have you. (I hope to get art equipment today, as all my things are in Baja!)

There is so much about to happen in the form of his treatment this coming week – the beginning of Dec – and I admit to being at a loss for much of it. I have to dive in and really face this head on. I think before I just was too scared to do so. Now I know I have to. I have to look my fears straight in the eye, and say thank you, I will grow, I will thrive, I will live and I will love.

If you see a way in which you would like to participate, please, I thank you for it. If sending love is what is available from you, I thank you for it.

Just the opportunity to express this is so huge for me.

I am learning so much.....