Who Told You?

Who told you that you weren’t beautiful, my love?

Who fed you their insecurities about life and love

       and all the possible things you can not accomplish?

Did you buy their fears as if they were your own

      and thus limit your expressions to the world?

Who taught you that you weren’t beautiful?

Shame on them, my love, for perpetuating age old fears

     that as a woman you are less than,

        that as a man you are all responsible.

For you are a child of God,

     meant to be free in your natural inherent divinity.

And those who would tell you otherwise

Lydia, artist and copyright: Jill Mollenhauer

     are looking to enslave you with mind control.

You and I are perfect Being

With nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide.

For in our openness

     we can divest ourselves of these age old ideas

        that we are anything less than God.

Naked

na·ked/ˈnākid/ - adjective

       1) Without clothes
We came home today to find the hedge that has offered privacy, perhaps even a semblance of protection, stripped to the bone. All that remained were tall bare trunks spaced 4 feet apart, completely naked of any foliage. We felt quite exposed!

I knew it was coming. Our property manager had mentioned that she wanted to clean out all the dead debris.  A few nights earlier in mediation something had told me that it would seem shocking at first, but that the openness it afforded would be welcomed. In less than 1 hour I felt the expansion of the view as a breath of fresh air. I love it.

      2) Without the usual covering or protection

What is fascinating is the reaction of everyone else. Four separate neighbors called our out-of-town landlord and complained that they could now see the house. One apologized to us as though we had been deeply defiled.  Another stopped by while I was lunching on the front deck and said, ‘Now you can’t hide and eat junk food anymore!’ (my salad?)  Still another offered to come and assist in putting up a 6 foot fence. And everyone walking by on the street has a strong opinion. When I tell them that I love it, many are surprised and shake their heads in disbelief. It is summed up in the comment shouted from a passing car, ‘I can see you!’

      3) Devoid of concealment or disguise

This need to hide, where did it come from? Why are we so afraid of being seen?

Deep down we all want to be loved, more than anything else.  Whatever we imagine that love will look like – acceptance, money, a partner, fame, whatever. We want love.

From an early age we are continuously and subconsciously told via the media, our churches, our teachers, our parents, our society, that we that what we are just as we are isn’t good enough. Oft times we imagine that in order to get love, we need to deserve it – we need to do something to get it. So we begin to layer ourselves with ‘clothing’ that fits the image we believe will make us worthy of love. Essentially, we cover our true beautiful nakedness with other’s ideas of what we should do or be. Is it a wonder that we lose touch with our own selves?

We clothe ourselves with layers of protection as if we have something to hide. Conversely we also begin to gird ourselves with layers of armor to protect ourselves when we find out that those clothes don’t work or don’t fit, or someone cuts down our hedge and we’re left naked.  The discomfort of being exposed can lead to a whole host of emotions the least of which are anger and fear.

A dear friend and mentor to me often talks about being spiritually naked. He has continuously invited me to look deeper into this and then to be so bold as to see if it doesn’t actually feel good.

And that is the key – to feel. For without feeling we go through life numb to the truth that is being offered us. I know. I was the queen of numbness for a better portion of my life. It was my way to protect myself, to survive as a child. But I am no longer a child and I can choose to listen to those voices, or not. It is up to me. No one is going to do it for me, it is my move. So for some time now I have been stepping forward to let go of all these old ‘clothes’ and stand naked, as my own true self. I am ever so grateful for all the guidance that I have been offered via all my teachers.

I find in feeling it all I have a freedom that I never expected. I can breathe and the view is so vast! But like the hedge, if I do not remove the old dead growth, I will never know what is possible. There’s an ancient wisdom I have seen quoted: My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the sky.

With the greatest of appreciation and love to my mentor, I offer a definition:

Spiritually Naked:

1)    Absolutely open- mind, body and emotions

2)    Taking full responsibility for my own actions, not covering up or making excuses

3)    Leaving all distractions behind, not hiding behind anything

4)    Standing in full awareness of what is in balance for me, as my own true self

5)    Willing to be seen – all the way through. And be OK with it.

A Work in Progress

The unfinished painting on my easel is a beautiful reflection.  It mirrors my attempts to piece the words together that will express the feelings flowing through me.  As I look deeper and deeper into my own self I see so many layers.

I sit before the keyboard and try to express the turmoil, the hurt, the secrets hidden not only from the world, but even my own self. Just when I think I have a train of thought to follow with which to weave a cohesive piece, I find that I have splintered off in 5 or 6 different directions.

I want to write about words, the energy behind them and how they have been used so destructively within my family for control, for abuse, for love. I want to express my outrage at the defiling of a child’s innocence and purity of love that began so many years ago by my parent and their parents, and probably their parents.

I want to write about the body, the physical body, and how it stores those memories and unexpressed emotions only to throw them up later in an act of self-love to either heal or self-destruct. I want to share the joys of getting in touch with my body – the temple of God - and learning to lovingly listen to it and all it has to share with me.

And how as I take back my own life and learn to appreciate Jill – not as mom and dad would have molded her to their desires – but Me, as I truly am. It is freeing, empowering and beautiful.

But awareness of the memories is still surfacing. It no longer shocks me, but still saddens me. It seems to be a family tradition this abuse of power and the ‘dirty little secrets’ held.  All this begs to be written and yet I am so tired of devoting energy to it – to them.

But like the painting of blown sand on my easel I will continue to work with it, listening to what is needed next, to keep stepping forward to the finished product – a stunning expression of beauty and truth.

I won’t give up on it. Or me.

Catching Up

 These past 5 months have been otherworldly. They have been so filled with doctors, medicines, and issues of survival that I have pushed aside most other things hoping to pick them up again later. Well, now is later.

Dream Board, artist and copyright, Jill Mollenhauer

I’ve missed writing, expressing the depths of my soul. (Gosh I’ve missed lots of things, eating out being one of them!) But now that Robert is on the ‘get healthy’ side of this experience and little by little he’s able to participate in life, I find myself with the opportunity to do these things once again. Only this time I choose to do them more consciously.

I have been using this space for updates on his condition, seemingly putting aside the whole reason for this blog – the journey. I was just so tired I couldn’t expend the energy to dive in deeper and write. However so much has opened up during all this that I haven’t even been able to process it all yet. There is so much to say that, try as I may, I can’t seem to put it all together cohesively. The words keep piling up upon one another and my writing is off in yet another direction before I know it! What has showed itself to me surprises me, and yet not at all. So many truths kept hidden from my own self…. Look for more on all this soon.

Until then, a last update on Robert:


His last treatment was Jan 30^th, so it’s been over a month now and he’s looking much better. We’ve been informed by the doctors that the radiation continues to do its work for 3 months, so this would explain the ups and downs that he constantly feels. One day good, one day rotten. To say that he finds it disheartening would be an understatement. Those of you who know him and how physically active he likes to be can surely appreciate this.

We went to 2 doctors last week and each expressed joy at how well the treatment seems to have worked, but until the PET scan is done in April nothing can be said for sure. Of the 25 pounds lost, as of yesterday 10 had returned. Yeah! Although it is still challenging for him to swallow (it hurts tremendously) he is making himself intake food via mouth so that his system can recover faster. We’ve gotten masterful at smoothies and soups. The feed tube still gives him over ½ his daily calories and it can’t be removed until his weight has returned and he can swallow without difficulty. They say that could be anywhere between 3 months to 1 year. (Knowing him and his passion for surfing I would venture that he’ll be on the lower end of the scale if he has anything to do with it!)

His strength is returning and we go to the gym almost every other day. Sleep still plays a big part of the healing process and 10 -13 hours a day is not unusual. The toughest part of it all is keeping his spirits up. He gets frustrated so often, expecting more from his body, when it truth it seems to need more love.

We’re not really out and about yet as socializing can still be challenging for him. Each day brings some hurdles and some heights. It seems to be a matter of reminding ourselves to love and appreciate ourselves for exactly where we are right now, regardless of what the appearance is. We began the whole process saying we wanted to treat it with love. We might not have always been successful at that, but I know that it is still of paramount importance. Always.

For further more in-depth progress report on Robert may I suggest check in with his FaceBook page. He tries to update every now and then. In the meantime I have lots of catching up to do!

See you soon~