Back to Base Camp

It’s 4 a.m. and I’ve been up 3 times now attending to various feeding tube issues with Robert. I might as well just stay up. Being awakened from a deep sleep by the machine’s alarm once is startling enough – 3 times is over the limit. But in truth I have had almost a week’s worth of relatively uninterrupted sleep, so I can’t complain. There were many weeks of just 2 hours at a time. Now I know what new mothers feel like. At least he is sound asleep now. Thank you, pain medication.

It’s been a week since treatment has been over. We reached the summit and now the return trip to ‘base camp’ has begun. The journey is not yet complete. (I find all these metaphors float through my brain, all these stories to help me along, encourage me and keep me going just that extra step further.) We can do this! The hard part is over, now it’s continuing on with awareness until we get to level ground.

There are times that I am so happy. He smiles, takes an extra-long walk, accepts a little more nutrition via the tube. This is how we get stronger! And then in a moment’s notice he is once again at rock bottom. Patience is a big part of this learning curve.

I am sure that one day we will leave this house for more than a couple of hours, maybe go to a movie, take a drive to the mountains, return home to Baja, but for now just getting through the day is still the top priority. Friends come and go, bringing cheer, flowers for the house, or food to keep me going (as Robert cannot eat yet). I always say an extra prayer of thanks each time someone extends that something extra. Even though I might not seem enthusiastic, I am deeply grateful, just tired.

The prognosis is good. Dr. Rice, the oncologist, say that she feels pretty certain all cancer has been removed via the treatment. If any remains, it would be removed surgically. No more chemo is in sight (or radiation according to her) but we’ll know for sure come April. That’s when the PET scan will be taken and all the doctors will have had their follow up exams completed. We see Dr. Smith, the radiologist, on Monday. Hopefully he’ll have wonderful news too. The biggest thing right now seems to be getting Robert’s throat well enough to allow him to eat again. By now his stomach is teeny tiny since he’s not eaten anything substantial in over 5 weeks. So the process of reintroducing food will begin, and I am sure that anything will taste heavenly! (The 25 pound weight loss on his light frame has taken him from thin-but-buff to painfully skinny.)

Slowly I begin the process of letting go, letting go of ‘mother mode’. It’s been a fine line that I have had to walk here, enough attention to assist him to survive, but not so much that he feels like a child. I have tried to live the mantra ‘suggest and support’, but I’m not sure how successful I have been.  Now it is essential if he is to regain his self-esteem and I my life too.

It’s funny how you can put your life aside for someone you love if needed. And yet, to be of true service to another it is necessary to be whole oneself. I have found limits to what I can offer, because if I don’t then I am depleted and of no service whatsoever. I also see that if I found this at all a burden, it would make me embittered and kill me in the process. It has to be from the heart, deeply genuine and truthful or resentment will fester. And that is not healing for anyone.

So I am looking to regain my life too.  You know that feeling when you’ve worked so hard, so hard that you haven’t stopped for way too long to rest? Then you get on vacation and you’re lost. What do you do with yourself? It can take some time to unwind. That’s kind of where I am. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself yet. I know I have a life; I just have to find it here someplace!

Painting has been sporadic at best. Everyone assures me that my art will change from this experience – and I know it will, but uninterrupted time has been at a premium.

I’ve found this whole journey to be one of deep introspection, amazing acts of love, and finding strength that I didn’t know I possessed. And it’s not over yet. Base camp is in sight, but still a ways off. At least I have hope; I can see an end. What I have learned is that life is too short and too precious to waste doing something that you just do not want to do! For God’s sake let us live out loud! Let us shout our dreams and live them to the fullest and let no one tell us we can’t! That is unacceptable behavior in my book now. I will no longer live with anyone else’s limitations. I am a lot more amazing than I ever realized.

I just summited the mountain. I’m headed back to camp a new and empowered woman. Wow, this is life changing…..