1000 Angels

My heart broke open, into 1000 pieces that lay scattered across the floor. I saw each one. And then there were 1000 angels, each one picking up a piece of my heart and putting it back together again. They handed it to me, all healed and even stronger than before for its expression. As I held it in my palm, the 1000 angels parted to reveal 10,000 more behind them waiting, in case they were needed too.

I cried even more.

Somewhere along the line in my lifetime(s) I believed the idea that was presented to me via a multitude of channels that I always needed to hold something back – just in case I needed it later. It might be love, a way to support myself, or how I chose to play. Always, I needed to keep some set aside because if I didn’t, it might run out. So without even knowing it I followed that advice and kept a little part of me separate, not fully expressing all the love that I am. And with that other expressions became bottled up. Certainly I had always believed that anger was not appropriate to express, and sadness had to be contained too, along with a host of others that I am sure I have not even begun to see yet. But the biggest, most painful part to see has been that I would not dive utterly, completely into love.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty loving person, so this realization came as a powerful shock to me. It has limited me in all my expressions, not the least of which has been with my beautiful partner in life, Robert. How could I not have been utterly truthful and open with the man who has been in my life for over 30 years?! Yet, I can see how I was holding something in reserve, just in case.

And, you know, inside I could tell that it affected the amount I would allow myself to receive too. As I searched deeper within to get to the core of it all, I can honestly say that I have never allowed myself to receive fully either. Because, in some interestingly twisted way, the thought was present that if I did accept it all, I’d have to give back that much too, and I might run out.

So I hid. I used disguises like ‘strong’ or ‘spiritual’ or ‘unnecessary’ to distract my attention from what was really going on. I bottled it up and kept a tight lid on it, because I did not want to see it.

But Spirit is so beautiful and patient in its teaching. It will repeat over and over that which we need to hear, until something happens to jolt us into awakening, because that’s why we’re here. Well, something has come up on my horizon to shock the bejezus out of me. Only a few days ago, while preparing to exit San Diego and return to Baja, Robert had a medical exam that uncovered what appears to be mass on the back of his tongue, and a lump in his throat. We are still undergoing tests and exams, so no diagnosis has been made, but every emotion imaginable has arisen, and needless to say lots of tears have been shed.

My mentor lovingly cracked open the box when he asked me to really feel everything that was showing up inside me. I thought I had been. With some guidance I saw how resistant I have been to all of it. Oh how it pained me! I rushed in to tell Robert all that I had discovered and to cry some more, laugh some and above all stand nakedly open, raw, and even vulnerable before him. And to make a vow that I will express from now on, with everyone.

We’re in limbo here, for how long, we don’t know. None of the future is knowable. We only have right now. So staying very present is my chief concern. I want to be here in every moment that comes – be that a week, a year, or a lifetime. I chose to show up. Completely.

And that is when I had the vision of 1000 angels healing my heart. Yes, I hurt. I am scared, but I refuse to hold back love any longer. I only hurt myself when I do. I have chosen to consciously open and become aware. In the oneness of all life, in every form, we are connected and everything is a reflection of my own self. I love Me, in all my infinite expressions. And it begins right here, in this body, called Jill.

Jill, I forgive you for what you once believed to be true. I know now that there is no limit to love; it is infinite and need never be corralled or saved. Thank you, Jill, for showing me this so that I can grow and flourish, blossom even. And know, Jill, that I love you unconditionally.

To all the ‘other’ people who are reading this, you are reflections of my own self, and I want you to know, I love you and I thank you. Don’t be surprised if the next time we meet I seem different.

I am.

Ps, I promise to keep you informed about Robert. Until then, all love, prayers and good wishes are gratefully accepted with the deepest appreciation.

Oh, Good Morning!

Oh, good morning! How are you? Forgive me please, I had not meant to be away for so long. Things have just gotten busy, and well, that is really about the only excuse I have. But I have missed you! I adore these moments of sharing, of opening up and really expressing. You are so appreciated.

Yes, the last month has been quite full, what with leaving Baja for a visit to the States. We stayed in San Diego for a week to get appointments taken care of, and then jetted off to Hawaii for 2 weeks. (One of which was spent at a retreat – ah, the bliss of it!) Now we’re back in SD still doing ‘things’ to get ready to return south in a week or so.

What has been most interesting is noticing the changes in me since having moved to Baja back in July. I see differently. What once seemed to hold fascination or was off-putting, no longer is. I am willing to go to new places, within and without; I am letting go of old paradigms and moving ahead.  And it is very freeing.

As we drove north from Punta Abreojos at the beginning of October, these changes became apparent to me. Where once I might have seen squalor, and judged it as such, I now saw potential, vibrancy and heart. Plazas were festooned with colorful flags celebrating Mexico and her inhabitants. There were orange churches, screaming pink houses, a building with purple turrets, a soft pastel pink YMCA and stores that simply could not be missed for the riot of color out front. What a visual feast! I felt like I was seeing with fresh eyes. Old judgments had dropped and I could breathe. When had I become so intolerant of other lifestyles and choices? At what point had I steeled my heart to not feel openly, with passion and unconditional love? I never knew I had carried such protective armor within.

Arriving in SD we went right to work to take care of various ‘to-dos’ on the list, just to whittle it down somewhat before leaving on the 13^th for Hawaii. I have participated in Weston Jolly’s Hawaii Retreat now for 5 years and I cherish the opportunity each time to open further and grow, and of course this year was no exception. The assistance to dig deeper within and really take accountability for all my choices is something that I am ever grateful for. (Thank you Wes, Karen and all the participants!)

So the 1^st week on Kauai we ‘retreated’ while the 2^nd week was spent snorkeling, reading, hiking, and general enjoyment. But interestingly, for the 1^st time ever, both Robert and I were ready to leave before our scheduled departure. As beautiful as Hawaii is, with the luscious greens and vibrant flora everywhere, it no longer felt the same. Looking carefully at it, I could see that part of the draw of Hawaii had been that I’m on the beach, with blue skies and spectacular cloud formations overhead and I can go jump in the water anytime, it’s so warm. But now I live on the beach, with all those exceptional qualities! (Albeit not with the lush plant life….) Somehow it just didn’t feel as exciting as before.  So I spent a week in heartfelt gratitude for such wonderful opportunities and said good bye to the island. I have gained so much there and I now am ready to move on to new experiences, new places.

And that is kind of how San Diego feels, too.  I do so love my friends here and am grateful for the chance to check in and exchange hugs. Restocking supplies is easy and plentiful here, but the draw to stay – no that is gone. I wondered how I would feel when I returned. Now I know. I am ready to drive south to our casita on the beach, my studio, my paints and to new adventure. There is so much more to being than I ever dreamed imaginable and I choose to explore this! What a joy this life is!

So forgive me, please, if I have been long winded. I just had to let you know where I have been, and why you’ve not heard from me in some time. Certainly it is not for lack of caring, oh no! Many is the time that I have stopped and thought, “I have to write about that!” but I didn’t take my computer with me to Hawaii. I just needed to step aside and check in deeply. And now that I have, get ready, I’m going to adventure!