It is Done

It’s magical – I can feel it!

Several messages came while asleep that told me so. There was a light earthquake at 12:33 a.m. and others that I cannot fully recall – only that I was continually at that ½ awake state; I was so excited to wake up and share this!

It is done. And I am getting continuous crackling all through the room in confirmation.

Thank you All for such beautiful assistance to grow, to thrive, to live!

I can let go completely and dive fully into love without hesitation.

Indeed this is my choice~

Robert

I hurt. I hurt for me, for Robert, for everyone who ever has had to face this dreaded prognosis of cancer/chemo/radiation. It feels unreal and I see how easy it is to just hope that you’ll wake up and all of it will have been a bad dream. I hurt for all the times that I have not opened my heart to those in situations like this, or any time there is pain or sorrow. It pains me to think that I have steeled m heart so……

Tears come so frequently and so suddenly. Sometimes I forget to breathe, and then I have to remind myself to take deep long breaths and allow myself to feel it all. To let Love wash over me and through me, to forgive myself for anything or any time that I might have behaved in a way that was ultimately trying to protect myself from feeling…

This a.m. we met with the ear, nose and throat specialist to get the full lowdown on what’s happening. I say full, but it never is. It’s always just another step, another bout of terrifying news. So the overall diagnosis is stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma. There is a tumor on his tongue and at least one in his neck, in the lymph node. It will require both chemo and radiation, and we’re not sure if surgery is going to be done. There are a couple of options that will be discussed in more depth after Dr. Torchinsky (sorry I may have his name wrong, but it is a long one) presents the findings of another biopsy – to be performed this week- to the specialist board on this type of situation. In the meantime Dr. T has gathered his team- Dr. Christine Rice, oncologist and Dr. Damian Gordon, radiologist- and he is moving forward quickly as possible because of the lateness of this discovery.

The overall outlook seems to be that things will begin to get moving in a couple of weeks. They want to be absolutely sure of what they are dealing with. He said in all honestly it’ll be really rough. Robert will have to have a feeding tube in him for some time – even before the treatment, and he is concerned about his present weight. (You know Robert – always so slim and trim!) So we have to get weight on him a.s.a.p. What a change to go to the grocery store and instead of looking for low fat to do the opposite! Once radiation begins he will not be able to eat for a long time, as his throat will be closed up. I think the most difficult thing for Robert to hear, next to the feeding tube, which really hit hard, was that surfing will be off his radar for at least a year…

On the bright side, we have found a house just a ½ block from our Johnson Ave home, which is rented. That makes it very convenient for us both, as so many friends are close by. Thank you Dave Peterson!!

I know this all comes as a shock to you, believe me, I know! And truly, I am at a loss for words with it all, but so many of you have been asking and offering assistance. We are so deeply touched by the outpouring of love and support. Thank you all.

We both know that the one thing above all else that will help us to get through this is love, deep heartfelt love. So we both ask that you take moments throughout the day and just breathe in love. Fill your heart with sweet golden love. Love yourself. When you touch that beautiful place within it will automatically flow out to us, to everyone who ever has or ever will need it. Because in Truth, we are all connected. Even with all the procedures that lay ahead of us, we would like to treat it with love, and your assistance is so gratefully accepted.

I will continue to post updates on this blog. Feel free to pass it on to anyone who might wish to help or be helped.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for everything and for loving.

1000 Angels

My heart broke open, into 1000 pieces that lay scattered across the floor. I saw each one. And then there were 1000 angels, each one picking up a piece of my heart and putting it back together again. They handed it to me, all healed and even stronger than before for its expression. As I held it in my palm, the 1000 angels parted to reveal 10,000 more behind them waiting, in case they were needed too.

I cried even more.

Somewhere along the line in my lifetime(s) I believed the idea that was presented to me via a multitude of channels that I always needed to hold something back – just in case I needed it later. It might be love, a way to support myself, or how I chose to play. Always, I needed to keep some set aside because if I didn’t, it might run out. So without even knowing it I followed that advice and kept a little part of me separate, not fully expressing all the love that I am. And with that other expressions became bottled up. Certainly I had always believed that anger was not appropriate to express, and sadness had to be contained too, along with a host of others that I am sure I have not even begun to see yet. But the biggest, most painful part to see has been that I would not dive utterly, completely into love.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty loving person, so this realization came as a powerful shock to me. It has limited me in all my expressions, not the least of which has been with my beautiful partner in life, Robert. How could I not have been utterly truthful and open with the man who has been in my life for over 30 years?! Yet, I can see how I was holding something in reserve, just in case.

And, you know, inside I could tell that it affected the amount I would allow myself to receive too. As I searched deeper within to get to the core of it all, I can honestly say that I have never allowed myself to receive fully either. Because, in some interestingly twisted way, the thought was present that if I did accept it all, I’d have to give back that much too, and I might run out.

So I hid. I used disguises like ‘strong’ or ‘spiritual’ or ‘unnecessary’ to distract my attention from what was really going on. I bottled it up and kept a tight lid on it, because I did not want to see it.

But Spirit is so beautiful and patient in its teaching. It will repeat over and over that which we need to hear, until something happens to jolt us into awakening, because that’s why we’re here. Well, something has come up on my horizon to shock the bejezus out of me. Only a few days ago, while preparing to exit San Diego and return to Baja, Robert had a medical exam that uncovered what appears to be mass on the back of his tongue, and a lump in his throat. We are still undergoing tests and exams, so no diagnosis has been made, but every emotion imaginable has arisen, and needless to say lots of tears have been shed.

My mentor lovingly cracked open the box when he asked me to really feel everything that was showing up inside me. I thought I had been. With some guidance I saw how resistant I have been to all of it. Oh how it pained me! I rushed in to tell Robert all that I had discovered and to cry some more, laugh some and above all stand nakedly open, raw, and even vulnerable before him. And to make a vow that I will express from now on, with everyone.

We’re in limbo here, for how long, we don’t know. None of the future is knowable. We only have right now. So staying very present is my chief concern. I want to be here in every moment that comes – be that a week, a year, or a lifetime. I chose to show up. Completely.

And that is when I had the vision of 1000 angels healing my heart. Yes, I hurt. I am scared, but I refuse to hold back love any longer. I only hurt myself when I do. I have chosen to consciously open and become aware. In the oneness of all life, in every form, we are connected and everything is a reflection of my own self. I love Me, in all my infinite expressions. And it begins right here, in this body, called Jill.

Jill, I forgive you for what you once believed to be true. I know now that there is no limit to love; it is infinite and need never be corralled or saved. Thank you, Jill, for showing me this so that I can grow and flourish, blossom even. And know, Jill, that I love you unconditionally.

To all the ‘other’ people who are reading this, you are reflections of my own self, and I want you to know, I love you and I thank you. Don’t be surprised if the next time we meet I seem different.

I am.

Ps, I promise to keep you informed about Robert. Until then, all love, prayers and good wishes are gratefully accepted with the deepest appreciation.

Patterns

Patterns, repeated lines and shapes that create graceful harmony, large and small. The lines of sand sculpted by the wind. Waves gliding across the surface of the bay making their way to shore, graceful curving arcs, culminating in froth of a white water, over and over again. The lines of birds in flight, the radiating petals of a flower, the way whiskers sprout from the mussel of a pet. All patterns. We’re used to the ones that are obvious, stripes, paisley, polka dots, but what about the ones that appear subtly, quietly, lusciously? We live in a universe of patterns as a way to remind ourselves of numerous different things. Music has patterns: verse, stanza, verse, etc. It’s comfortable and makes it easy to participate should we so choose. (Ever notice how uncomfortable you might feel hearing music of a genre that does not follow recognizable patterns, like progressive jazz or traditional Asian?) Literature follows patterns; I am sure cinema does too. We like patterns because in repetition there is a known and there is a potential beauty in their respective forms. We learn by patterns, repetition, over and over. A baby learns to speak by hearing the sounds again and again, to walk, to love or to hate. That which we perpetuate becomes a pattern, and we become comfortable with it because we know it. The Universe allows us to choose what we want to create. There is no right or wrong in the eyes of the Infinite, just choices. That’s why if you want to create pain and suffering, it is allowed. But maybe your choice is different. Maybe that isn’t what you really want. Then take a moment to stop and look at what patterns are being reflected in your life. Are they telling you something different than what you say you want? The beauty of this place is that because I am more isolated if you will, more connected to the earth, I find I am delving deeper into me, seeing patterns of behavior that I have picked up throughout my life that do not serve me and certainly do not express Jill at all! Yet somewhere along the line I have accepted these behaviors as mine and have lived by these choices as if that was all I had. As I look, barriers and brick walls come tumbling down and I find all emotions come to the surface to be seen and felt. And in the end, it is all my choice. It’s up to me what I choose to proliferate, how to live and how to love. I choose unconditional love, unconditional expression, unconditional life. Shocking? At first it sure feels so. At times I feel myself going into ‘confusion’ to distract myself from whatever layer is being called to the surface to be seen. I feel the discomfort that arises with each new realization thereof, but I do not choose distractions, so I keep going in. I choose clarity, vibrancy, expression and love, pure love. I dive I into truth telling, not for the first time and it certainly won’t be the last, but to me patterns, however they show up, offer the incredible beauty of opening further! I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to appreciate each one and to release it, becoming better for the experience of having remembered Who I Am. Wind patterns, the layers of the cliff bluffs, water as it recedes from the beach causing the sand to gather in lines of grey from soft dove to charcoal. Morning cloud formations. The veining on the wings of the dragonflies that are in such abundance here. All so very precious, so close to my heart and soul. Expressions of what lies Within.     all photographs taken and copyrighted by author, Jill Mollenhauer 2007