Back to Base Camp

It’s 4 a.m. and I’ve been up 3 times now attending to various feeding tube issues with Robert. I might as well just stay up. Being awakened from a deep sleep by the machine’s alarm once is startling enough – 3 times is over the limit. But in truth I have had almost a week’s worth of relatively uninterrupted sleep, so I can’t complain. There were many weeks of just 2 hours at a time. Now I know what new mothers feel like. At least he is sound asleep now. Thank you, pain medication.

It’s been a week since treatment has been over. We reached the summit and now the return trip to ‘base camp’ has begun. The journey is not yet complete. (I find all these metaphors float through my brain, all these stories to help me along, encourage me and keep me going just that extra step further.) We can do this! The hard part is over, now it’s continuing on with awareness until we get to level ground.

There are times that I am so happy. He smiles, takes an extra-long walk, accepts a little more nutrition via the tube. This is how we get stronger! And then in a moment’s notice he is once again at rock bottom. Patience is a big part of this learning curve.

I am sure that one day we will leave this house for more than a couple of hours, maybe go to a movie, take a drive to the mountains, return home to Baja, but for now just getting through the day is still the top priority. Friends come and go, bringing cheer, flowers for the house, or food to keep me going (as Robert cannot eat yet). I always say an extra prayer of thanks each time someone extends that something extra. Even though I might not seem enthusiastic, I am deeply grateful, just tired.

The prognosis is good. Dr. Rice, the oncologist, say that she feels pretty certain all cancer has been removed via the treatment. If any remains, it would be removed surgically. No more chemo is in sight (or radiation according to her) but we’ll know for sure come April. That’s when the PET scan will be taken and all the doctors will have had their follow up exams completed. We see Dr. Smith, the radiologist, on Monday. Hopefully he’ll have wonderful news too. The biggest thing right now seems to be getting Robert’s throat well enough to allow him to eat again. By now his stomach is teeny tiny since he’s not eaten anything substantial in over 5 weeks. So the process of reintroducing food will begin, and I am sure that anything will taste heavenly! (The 25 pound weight loss on his light frame has taken him from thin-but-buff to painfully skinny.)

Slowly I begin the process of letting go, letting go of ‘mother mode’. It’s been a fine line that I have had to walk here, enough attention to assist him to survive, but not so much that he feels like a child. I have tried to live the mantra ‘suggest and support’, but I’m not sure how successful I have been.  Now it is essential if he is to regain his self-esteem and I my life too.

It’s funny how you can put your life aside for someone you love if needed. And yet, to be of true service to another it is necessary to be whole oneself. I have found limits to what I can offer, because if I don’t then I am depleted and of no service whatsoever. I also see that if I found this at all a burden, it would make me embittered and kill me in the process. It has to be from the heart, deeply genuine and truthful or resentment will fester. And that is not healing for anyone.

So I am looking to regain my life too.  You know that feeling when you’ve worked so hard, so hard that you haven’t stopped for way too long to rest? Then you get on vacation and you’re lost. What do you do with yourself? It can take some time to unwind. That’s kind of where I am. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself yet. I know I have a life; I just have to find it here someplace!

Painting has been sporadic at best. Everyone assures me that my art will change from this experience – and I know it will, but uninterrupted time has been at a premium.

I’ve found this whole journey to be one of deep introspection, amazing acts of love, and finding strength that I didn’t know I possessed. And it’s not over yet. Base camp is in sight, but still a ways off. At least I have hope; I can see an end. What I have learned is that life is too short and too precious to waste doing something that you just do not want to do! For God’s sake let us live out loud! Let us shout our dreams and live them to the fullest and let no one tell us we can’t! That is unacceptable behavior in my book now. I will no longer live with anyone else’s limitations. I am a lot more amazing than I ever realized.

I just summited the mountain. I’m headed back to camp a new and empowered woman. Wow, this is life changing…..

Freedom Day

This update will be down and dirty folks. I want to keep you caught up on what’s happening and I find the time slips past me so quickly….

Tomorrow – Jan 30^th- will be Robert’s last radiation treatment. He had his last chemo a week ago. That wraps up 7 weeks of treatment – 35 radiations and 3 chemos. Thank goodness that we’re finally at the end! Now the rebuilding will begin.

For those of you who have not seen him, or haven’t been in touch with me, the sum is that he is now about 24 lbs lighter – so you can imagine how thin that is. He is very weak, his strength has slipped away and a walk around the block takes every bit he has. He sleeps a lot, and is looking forward to eating again. His throat is very red and sore – inside and out, and we’re working on sloughing off the dead burned skin cells on the outside and rebuilding fresh pink ones.  

He has lost the hair around the base of his hair line in back and they said that he most likely will never be able to grow a beard (oh well! ) now. His voice is strained due to very sore throat, but that should be changing soon.

We’re told that it’ll be 2 weeks or so before he really feels a change in his strength or overall health, because the radiation continues to do its stuff for that long afterward, but that in 4 weeks “you’ll feel 100% better”( from the radiologist). Whatever the case, we’re going to be working on assisting him to eat. That has been the main issue as the product that he is fed through the feed tube in his stomach upsets him and he hates it. Swallowing is a challenge though he is doing a little every day.

Last we heard the tumors were 90% shrunk – and that was over a week ago. They said that he has responded very well – best they have ever seen in fact. I have high hopes that this will be the only round of treatments!

Life will begin again, headed toward some semblance of ‘normalcy’, officially on Tues – at least that is what we’re calling for. It’s Freedom Day! We are both thinking of how to symbolically celebrate it – that he can do – and yet make it a milestone. Still working on ideas there!

Many many thanks to everyone who has participated in this journey with us, for it has been a journey! The rides, the meals, the prayers and good thoughts, the phone calls to check in with me and see if I have been holding up have all been so deeply appreciated! I will let you know how the healing goes, and hope to renew my blogging before too long!!!

With deepest gratitude~

xo

Connecting

We gird ourselves. Layers of protection are spread across our bodies in the hopes that we will remain untouched. And yet that is exactly what we want most – to touch and be touched, to feel our connection to one another, to the Earth, the stars, to Life. Witness Michelangelo’s ‘Creation of Adam’ celebrating God’s touch with humankind. Or ET’s reaching out and touching his young friend. How celebrated that visual of reaching out to connect has been!

We are beings of connection, on many levels, from deep within, to the surface expression of sexual joining. We love it, we adore it.

So why the multiple layers of protection? Why have we piled on all these layers of seeming protection from that which we so deeply desire? Where did we decide that to be connected was threatening?

As I explore my own self I am continuously amazed at where I have layered myself with these ideas of protection. Like a football player who dons his uniform of extensive padding, I have carried this armor unaware. I have approached things like a warrior, ready to strike out if I felt threatened. I learned and accepted that it was necessary for survival. Now if I look deeply and honestly I can feel the spaces in my body where I have clenched to protect and ultimately to separate.

‘Is this truly necessary, or even desired?’ I ask myself. Do I really want to go about life with all this extra heavy ‘equipment’ strapped upon my body, weighing me down, hiding me and ultimately tiring me out, only to leave my body aged and frail?

What if I just let go?

What if I stand naked, lighter, unashamed and free of all the trappings of protection? After all, the closest thing we share is breath. And I certainly can’t – nor want to – cut myself off there. It sustains my body! Every breath I take has been circulated around the globe to be shared by billions of people, animals, plants and the like. It is our connection to one another. It is a cycle that was formed to remind us of our oneness, to feed and clear one another, to connect us at the Source level.

I am finding the process of divestiture to be very liberating, very freeing and very sweet. Conscious breath is just the beginning, but it is so cleansing! My choice to express as Jill – not as any family member or societal dictum would have it – is crucial to my blossoming. So what if it has taken me 50-something years to do this, what an adventure it is! The weight is already lifting.

A Quick Update on Robert

A quick update on Robert

This last weekend – the New Year weekend – was a really rough one. Robert had his 2^nd of three chemos on Thurs the 29^th and as anyone familiar with the process will tell you – it sneaks up on you. Nine pounds lighter by Tuesday, he was very weak and still had trouble keeping anything down. We’re doing all we can to assist him, but I sure feel helpless. While the 3 day weekend was a nice break from the every weekday radiation, it was on the other hand, more challenging as we could not get into hydration. (He goes in every weekday a.m. to get hydrated via infusion. )

So as of today we’re 2/3’s the way through chemo and a little over ½ through radiation. What a process! I feel for anyone who has to go through this alone. (And I have heard of many!) The target date is Jan 29^th. There’s a big calendar on the wall and the days get crossed off nice and visibly each day.

The good news is that Dr. Smith, the radiologist, said yesterday that the tumor on the back of his tongue has shrunk 80% and the one in his neck has also almost disappeared! The news thrilled me and sent me on a high, only to be brought back to the here and now as Robert strains to have some sense of ‘normalcy’ in his life right now. Breaking the cycle of not being able to keep anything down has proved a challenge beyond imagining right now.

One day at a time, one moment at a time…….

Thanks to everyone who has so graciously offered transportation, fed me and just been there for support. Please know we both are eternally grateful!!

I am in Love

I am in love. Yes, it’s true, I am. My heart swells and I sometimes tear at the thought of all those with whom I am in love.

It’s often said that there are many kinds of love – and there are- and that to be in love is different from just loving. Well, I choose to change that. Ultimately, it is my intention, my preference if you will, to offer unconditional love all across the board.

As I explore exactly what that means I have bumped into many rather unattractive places within my own self, places I  rather wish were not there at all. Yet I have to face the fact that indeed they do exist. And if I am to be true to my own self I must own up to all that I have created in my life and change that which no longer fits me- like an old dress that I inherited, and wore, but no longer wish to clothe myself with.

So in my choice to be extending unconditional love, it means I must consciously exist in love all the time. Thus I am being truthful when I say, “I am in love”.

I am deeply in love with all the beautiful beings that have offered their assistance, support, good wishes and prayers for both Robert and me as we journey deeper into this experience called ‘cancer treatment.’ I am in love with those of you who stopped by yesterday at the chemo center and added your support to assist us in getting through the day, to each of the precious friends who have allowed me to have a moment’s cry upon your shoulder (because I needed it).

I am in love with the sweet ladies at the treatment center who gently attend to my partner with such dignity and grace, and who keep me informed and up to date. I am utterly amazed at the genuine care and sweet tenderness that is shared all around, from my tennis girlfriends to the clerks in Trader Joes, or the baristas at Starbucks. How I love you all!

The meals, the rides, the calls, the Facebook notes – all of them have touched me and I fall deeper in love each day. Please know that my life is being lived moment to moment right now – I cannot extent myself much further than that, so I hope you can feel what I am offering, because this is all I can focus on. My attention needs to be here, now.

I love you~

Update on Robert:

Yesterday’s chemo treatment was preceded by several days of intense challenge. Half way through the day yesterday he finally relaxed and allowed himself to let go. Last night was as restful as could be, considering. Today he has been queasy, but his spirits are higher than they have been for some time. I think that the thought of repeating chemo was quite taxing for him – understandably - and he sank deep into despair for a while there. Hopefully this weekend will not be as challenging as the last post-treatment one was. At least we have an idea of what to expect this time through.

Robert’s birthday is on Monday Jan 2^nd. It might not be our finest or most exciting New Year’s or birthday weekend, but I am sure it will remain in our memory banks forever!

Here’s wishing you a beautiful holiday weekend and a spectacular 2012. I know there is so much to come!

It's Christmas

It’s Christmas, Beloved, just barely. The world is quiet and sounds are magnified.

What is my wish?

For peace, peace among men, peace in our hearts.

Peace from the civil war that we have waged against our own selves from time immemorial. The peace within that no longer fights with what we should or should-not do, but clearly is at one with our truest wishes and lives them as such.

The peace of one who follows her own heart and inner guidance with a pure knowing that this is absolutely perfect for me. For clearly if I am at peace within my own self, I am at peace with the world, for it is but a reflection of me.

I wish for love – and that too begins right here.

~For in the depths of your soul shall ye find love. There it is hidden – locked away – most ready to be liberated in a moment’s notice of unquestioning freedom, of Voice, of Spirit, of All That Is. Clearly you are the breath of Love, for your choices so acted upon, reflect your point of view.

Allow love to flow freely as never before. Unlock all the dungeon doors within and breathe love to the surface to be liberated, set free, emancipated. Allow Love its flight, for surely it has wings and can cover great distances with but the blink of an eye – a thought.

I am love. I carry the seeds of Love’s bounty within me ever ready to germinate, grow, and flourish – over and over and over again without limits to its expressions.

Created by Page Hodel, http://www.mondayheartsformadalene.com/

I am the seed of peace, of love, the Dove itself. I carry it in my connection to All. It begins with me.

It is Christmas. May I always carry this beauty truthfully and consciously in my heart.

May I say – I love you all.

Merry Christmas.

My Gift

When I was a child we had a babysitter, Dee, an older woman, large and loving, who always said I had a guardian angel. In fact she always called me her guardian angel. Time and time again, her simple wisdom proved amazing. What I took as ‘just words’ back then I now realize was a beautiful invitation to an invisible network of support, a network that is available to each of us, on this level and beyond. Contrary to what others would lead us to believe, we are supported in the most brilliant of ways.

When the choice to play here on Earth was made, each of us received unfathomable connections to our Source so that we would never forget how deeply loved and cherished we truly are. Much goes on here that would offer different beliefs, but I know otherwise. If my life has been teaching me anything as of late, it’s that there is a network - a matrix - of love and assistance that none can change or remove. It is only our choice to ignore it that allows it to lessen in its appearance throughout our lives. Support it, and it grows.

There are ‘good’ days and there are ‘bad’ days, days where my smile is as wide as the Grand Canyon, and days where I just want it all to end, the hurt, the uncertainty, the challenges I see my partner going through in his journey with cancer.

Yet somehow, when I reach out and ask – really ask – for guidance, assistance, strength, unconditional love, I receive it. Every time. Not always through the avenue that I was expecting, but there none the less. Sometimes it comes in the form of a phone call offering help. Another time it was a rainbow stretched over the house and a songbird in the tree out front. However it shows up, this love touches me deeply and clears out whatever I had been holding onto, as if I had to protect myself. And each time it is a message that is very personal to me. How can I not be grateful?!

So in the depths of my meditation the other night I started to write what ‘advice’ I would give to an incoming being about life here on Earth. And it ended up being a stunning channeled message for my own self. What beauty there is in our connectedness!

I wrote:

What would I want to say?

~There is much to be experienced here – both seemingly ‘good’ and ‘bad’. None are to be judged as such, only take note. For in your acceptance of each, things will flow more easily and certainly be more fun.

~Enjoy all that this world has to offer you. There is great beauty therein. Life is infinite in its interpretations, shapes and sounds. Participate as you are so drawn to and see the beauty that is expressed at each corner, each intersection. Nature is abundance and pleasure is adored.

~Choose a direction of expression that is passionate to you. For in your choices you will be fortified with strength and devotion to all that is Us.

~ Know how deeply you are loved and supported by All That Is. Beings beyond your remembrance lift and guide you through all situations with but a request for help. Never are you alone. Never.

~Your choice to come here is celebrated by many. Please enjoy the experience. Play with gusto. Live larger, love with every fiber of your being. Breathe deeply, consciously, fully. Open and allow it all to be felt in your love for your own self – your own journey here – for this is why you came- to express it all.

~Don’t hold back for anyone else’s choice to be in discomfort. They will grow – or not - as they so choose. Do not allow their choices to dictate your speed, your altitude, your direction. Limiting yourself thusly only reduces the light you project and no one benefits in the end by such measures. That is not love – no matter what you are told otherwise.

~ Allow yourself to be swallowed whole by This that is you. Swim in it. You are beautiful, so complete, so divine in nature. Dive in. Just as Queen’s Bath (Kauai) supports  and lifts you – so too will We, your own self expressed through numerous reflections, on numerous levels and varied ‘shapes’. Know We are here to guide you, support you, and connect you in your choice to be so attended.

~We salute your choices to express this. We long for your deepest expressions to be made manifest and you also have this longing – this desire. Such beauty should not be contained in a little box. It does not fit.

May you feel the deepest expressions of love that are contained herein. Take them into your heart and feel the joy behind the words. I offer them as a Christmas gift, a holiday gift, a timeless gift of gratitude and appreciation for you being truly you.

Thank you~

And as a follow up on Robert:

We’re ¼ of the way through treatment today. He actually gained back 2 lbs as of yesterday!! Yippee!! His next chemo is on the 29^th of Dec, and he gets radiation every Mon- Fri. He’s ‘recovered’ from the 1^st chemo, but now the radiation is beginning to be felt. We’re told that soon he won’t be able to swallow without difficulty and food will lose its taste. We’re working at putting on as much poundage as possible before that!

With a change in diet, lots of water, plenty of naps, and as much walking and exercise as we possibly can fit in- so far, so good.  The holidays will not be quite like the usual, but we are together, and ever so grateful for all the help that has been extended. Your emails and phone calls, visits and good wishes are definitely working!!

If you are around on Thurs Dec 29^th and can stop in at Sharp Memorial Outpatient Infusion Center (3075 Health Center Dr. suite 102, 92123) from 11:30 a.m. – 5:00 p.m., I know that he’d love a visit. (They will validate your parking.)

Thanks for all your wonderful assistance with the surf videos! Perfect!

Robert’s birthday is Mon Jan 2 and sure to be not as pleasurable as usual. If you wish to email him: rblando@sbcglobal.net.

Thank you!

xxoo