Update and Overview

Goodness but it has been a long visit to San Diego! We left Baja on Oct 6, 2011, and now, in a couple of weeks, we’re finally headed back. I could say, ‘What a long strange trip it’s been,’ and in a sense that would be true, yet it wouldn’t even begin to encompass the whole of it….. Many lessons have been clarifying themselves now that the cancer treatment has ended. Robert is doing so well and life is truly beginning again.

Just a couple of days ago Robert was interviewed for a book about people who have been through trauma. As I sat in the room and just listened, the depths of the questions astounded me, as did his answers. Beautiful thought provoking questions like “How did this journey affect your body, mind, emotions and spiritual perspective?” and “What did you let go of, accept or change?” I found myself silently answering the questions.  That’s when I began to realize how much I have gained through it all.

Our neighbor Charlie who has had a myriad of such journeys once said to me that he highly recommends to anyone that they go through a near death experience – provided they can do so without dying. (He has been a profound teacher and support through these last 8 months, not to mention that he keeps my spirits up.) You can’t travel this path without making significant changes – at least not from what I have experienced. As the primary care giver, I found that one of my most significant lessons was to face the fear. I was continuously reminding myself to turn around and walk right into it. That way I wouldn’t be hiding. And if it was going to bite me, it wasn’t going to be in the butt; I was going to see it. That didn’t mean I wasn’t scared, or lonely, or overwhelmed. No, at times I was all this and more, but it sure helped me to see more clearly and it allowed me to ask for help. Lesson #2.

Letting go of the idea that asking for help shows vulnerability, and instead embracing that vulnerability allowed me to continue putting one foot in front of the other and finish the walk. I wasn’t brave, but I did have courage. Courage, from the Latin co (meaning heart) was first defined in the English language as, ‘to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart’. I like that definition. The response was tremendous. Love poured in from avenues I didn’t even know existed.

Brene Brown gave a TED talk The Power of Vulnerablility in which she said that the world’s happiest people have the courage to be imperfect, that they embrace their vulnerability, and ‘what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful’. The willingness to be open and heart-full is a great strength – exactly the opposite that you might think. There is suppleness to it, a flow; it is magnificent. And it opens up to gratitude. (But that’s another blog altogether!)

Our house - Punta Abreojos, BCS

I know more insights will show up. I look forward to each one. For now I revel in how we have grown, what I am still learning and what is yet to come.

We hope to be leaving for home in the next couple of weeks, as soon as some paperwork clears. I want to thank everyone once again for all your prayers, good wishes and all the life-giving support that you have offered! I promise to let you know what Baja has in store for us as soon as we get there.

With deep love and appreciation~

Is It Art?

Last month on 60 Minutes Morley Safer did a piece on contemporary art and how it has consistently outperformed stocks since 2003 thus becoming a billion dollar industry. He attended the largest most profitable show in the US Art Basel Miami Beach and reported on its seeming absurdities, idiosyncrasies, extremes and more.  Many of the art pieces, admittedly controversial, fetched millions of dollars and could even have been labeled ‘shock art’. As he roamed the show he continually questioned, ‘Yes, but is it art?’

It was a good piece of journalism, memorable and thought provoking, eliciting strong emotions. Isn’t that what reporters strive for – a piece that you can’t stop thinking about? What if you take those parameters and apply them to the art itself? What makes it ‘good’ art? It comes down to this- what are you willing to feel? It’s not just about feeling good – it’s about feeling.

The purpose of art is to evoke emotion. These pieces were the expressions of artists who use visual clues instead of words.  Some artists use sound (music), or movement (dance) to express and elicit responses, all valid forms of communication. The question is are you listening?

We have become an unfeeling society – encasing ourselves in so many layers of protection that often we cannot be touched, as if this makes us safer or invincible. Shock art attempts to rip away the layers and expose us to deeper spaces within, thus assisting us to feel. Regardless of what emotion it evokes, it has elicited a response – something we frequently numb ourselves to. It offers itself as a vehicle to feel, to express, to let it out.

How often do we run away when a feeling arises within our bodies that we think signals ‘something is wrong’? We assume it will lead to a problem and heaven forbid I don’t want that! So we shut it down, push it away and file it in the ‘no more’ category instead of opening to it with wonder, listening to what this energy has to tell us? What if instead we appreciated ourselves for communicating and thanked ourselves with love and reverence and then just listened? Imagine the magic that might ensue if we actually allowed it.

Shock art, contemporary art, abstract art and modern art, all these are voices of the artists who have chosen to search a little deeper than the norm. Regardless of whether the piece is one that you would hang in your living room, can you open yourself up to perhaps hear what is trying to be communicated? Are you willing to go that far?

You might hate it. You might love it. You might fall somewhere in between, but allow yourself, if you will, to imagine the challenge of expressing a verb, an adjective or an emotion visually. Not as easy as a noun. The challenges involved in doing so entice certain artists – like the climber to Mt Everest.

So the next time you see art that shocks you, I invite you to stop and listen for a moment. Think of what the artist might be trying to communicate. It could surprise you. And I assure you, you can only grow by opening.

To see the 60 Minute Segment: 60 Minutes

Dancing With Nature

Sunrise 2, Baja Landscapes, artist & copyright Jill Mollenhauer

‘What is it about Baja that makes you want to go back?’ The question was posed to me last night at a lovely dinner party hosted by dear friends. Immediately I knew the answer, for just that day I had become aware of what is missing here.

Don’t get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for this stopping point, a place to heal from all that has been ongoing in our lives as of late. My partner’s cancer treatment has required us to be here and this rental house has been a God-send for its proximity to not only the doctors but also our storage garage. And because it is on the same block as the house we own and currently rent to someone else, our core support group and neighbors are with us. What a blessing! Nothing could make it easier than to just walk the 3 blocks to Trader Joes or Ralphs, Starbucks or even the hardware store. Such ease! This neighborhood hosts more restaurants than one could ever choose from in a lifetime along with other numerous outlets for enjoyment. I guess my friend simply could not fathom why I want to return to our beach house in Baja where we make our own electricity, truck in our water and at this point a hot shower involves heating the water on the stove first.

When the sun rises in Baja, it creeps up over the peninsula and crests the distant San Francisco Mountains to shine across the bay and into our front window. The crashing waves sing of its ascent into the color-filled sky. Birds begin their daily flight paths along the shoreline in search of breakfast. Nature simply calls to me to come and experience Her in Her morning glory. Even before tea I often put on my shoes and take a brisk walk to the point with Rowdy, our neighbor’s dog, because it is just too stunning to miss.

There are times that the moon and the sun are simultaneously coming and going – east sports vivid orange and yellows, while west is soft purple and gold. I tilt my head back and scan the entire sky wishing I could paint it all on one canvas or at least take a picture, but it’s so vast! I have no extra extra wide angle lens and I am left speechless in awe.



Baja Landscapes #4, artist & copyright Jill Mollenhauer

Other times if it’s a low tide, we’ll cycle along the 3 miles of uninterrupted beach, stopping only to pick up shells or watch the dolphins as they play in the surf beside us. On those days we ride with Rowdy and the dolphins. Yes, they swim parallel with us as we ride. It’s heaven to return home tired and exhilarated for breakfast and coffee.



As the day warms and after chores are completed, I walk over to my studio where I always have at least one project going. Rowdy usually accompanies me to lie on the cool floor while I paint and Ms. Yeager, the cat, often sprawls across my work table to snooze or occasionally swat at my brush. I can survey the neighborhood from my perch upstairs above Ed’s house. It is open to the water and sometimes I find myself just gazing out watching. I work until hunger or some other diversion calls me to come back to the house and clean up. The gift of being able to walk away from my canvases and not look at them until I return is so refreshing. It is easy to get desensitized to them otherwise.

It’s almost impossible to not tide pool in the afternoons. There are so many treasures and surprises that are waiting to be explored! I can practically hear the ocean calling me to come and play.

And in the evenings when the sun sets behind the house over the hill we either drag the chairs out to watch from our yard or walk up to Mo and Gerry’s house. From there we can watch it slide once again into the Pacific while setting the sky afire in beauty. After dinner it is ritual to sit on the porch, wrapped in blankets if necessary, and enjoy the stars. The only place I have ever seen their brilliance and number matched in in Kauai. When sleep overtakes us we still hear the ocean calling, the waves crashing, promising another sunrise soon to come.

This is what draws me to our beach house in Baja – Nature in all her raw beauty. I am fed by it; it fuels me. I feel closer to God, my Own Self, there than in any man-made structure. The quiet contemplation, the inner delving that accompanies it excites me. And as with anything, I know that I want breaks from that too. Change is a necessity.

But while there, I love to dance with Nature.

For more information about the artwork: Jill Mollenhauer

Who Told You?

Who told you that you weren’t beautiful, my love?

Who fed you their insecurities about life and love

       and all the possible things you can not accomplish?

Did you buy their fears as if they were your own

      and thus limit your expressions to the world?

Who taught you that you weren’t beautiful?

Shame on them, my love, for perpetuating age old fears

     that as a woman you are less than,

        that as a man you are all responsible.

For you are a child of God,

     meant to be free in your natural inherent divinity.

And those who would tell you otherwise

Lydia, artist and copyright: Jill Mollenhauer

     are looking to enslave you with mind control.

You and I are perfect Being

With nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide.

For in our openness

     we can divest ourselves of these age old ideas

        that we are anything less than God.

Naked

na·ked/ˈnākid/ - adjective

       1) Without clothes
We came home today to find the hedge that has offered privacy, perhaps even a semblance of protection, stripped to the bone. All that remained were tall bare trunks spaced 4 feet apart, completely naked of any foliage. We felt quite exposed!

I knew it was coming. Our property manager had mentioned that she wanted to clean out all the dead debris.  A few nights earlier in mediation something had told me that it would seem shocking at first, but that the openness it afforded would be welcomed. In less than 1 hour I felt the expansion of the view as a breath of fresh air. I love it.

      2) Without the usual covering or protection

What is fascinating is the reaction of everyone else. Four separate neighbors called our out-of-town landlord and complained that they could now see the house. One apologized to us as though we had been deeply defiled.  Another stopped by while I was lunching on the front deck and said, ‘Now you can’t hide and eat junk food anymore!’ (my salad?)  Still another offered to come and assist in putting up a 6 foot fence. And everyone walking by on the street has a strong opinion. When I tell them that I love it, many are surprised and shake their heads in disbelief. It is summed up in the comment shouted from a passing car, ‘I can see you!’

      3) Devoid of concealment or disguise

This need to hide, where did it come from? Why are we so afraid of being seen?

Deep down we all want to be loved, more than anything else.  Whatever we imagine that love will look like – acceptance, money, a partner, fame, whatever. We want love.

From an early age we are continuously and subconsciously told via the media, our churches, our teachers, our parents, our society, that we that what we are just as we are isn’t good enough. Oft times we imagine that in order to get love, we need to deserve it – we need to do something to get it. So we begin to layer ourselves with ‘clothing’ that fits the image we believe will make us worthy of love. Essentially, we cover our true beautiful nakedness with other’s ideas of what we should do or be. Is it a wonder that we lose touch with our own selves?

We clothe ourselves with layers of protection as if we have something to hide. Conversely we also begin to gird ourselves with layers of armor to protect ourselves when we find out that those clothes don’t work or don’t fit, or someone cuts down our hedge and we’re left naked.  The discomfort of being exposed can lead to a whole host of emotions the least of which are anger and fear.

A dear friend and mentor to me often talks about being spiritually naked. He has continuously invited me to look deeper into this and then to be so bold as to see if it doesn’t actually feel good.

And that is the key – to feel. For without feeling we go through life numb to the truth that is being offered us. I know. I was the queen of numbness for a better portion of my life. It was my way to protect myself, to survive as a child. But I am no longer a child and I can choose to listen to those voices, or not. It is up to me. No one is going to do it for me, it is my move. So for some time now I have been stepping forward to let go of all these old ‘clothes’ and stand naked, as my own true self. I am ever so grateful for all the guidance that I have been offered via all my teachers.

I find in feeling it all I have a freedom that I never expected. I can breathe and the view is so vast! But like the hedge, if I do not remove the old dead growth, I will never know what is possible. There’s an ancient wisdom I have seen quoted: My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the sky.

With the greatest of appreciation and love to my mentor, I offer a definition:

Spiritually Naked:

1)    Absolutely open- mind, body and emotions

2)    Taking full responsibility for my own actions, not covering up or making excuses

3)    Leaving all distractions behind, not hiding behind anything

4)    Standing in full awareness of what is in balance for me, as my own true self

5)    Willing to be seen – all the way through. And be OK with it.

A Work in Progress

The unfinished painting on my easel is a beautiful reflection.  It mirrors my attempts to piece the words together that will express the feelings flowing through me.  As I look deeper and deeper into my own self I see so many layers.

I sit before the keyboard and try to express the turmoil, the hurt, the secrets hidden not only from the world, but even my own self. Just when I think I have a train of thought to follow with which to weave a cohesive piece, I find that I have splintered off in 5 or 6 different directions.

I want to write about words, the energy behind them and how they have been used so destructively within my family for control, for abuse, for love. I want to express my outrage at the defiling of a child’s innocence and purity of love that began so many years ago by my parent and their parents, and probably their parents.

I want to write about the body, the physical body, and how it stores those memories and unexpressed emotions only to throw them up later in an act of self-love to either heal or self-destruct. I want to share the joys of getting in touch with my body – the temple of God - and learning to lovingly listen to it and all it has to share with me.

And how as I take back my own life and learn to appreciate Jill – not as mom and dad would have molded her to their desires – but Me, as I truly am. It is freeing, empowering and beautiful.

But awareness of the memories is still surfacing. It no longer shocks me, but still saddens me. It seems to be a family tradition this abuse of power and the ‘dirty little secrets’ held.  All this begs to be written and yet I am so tired of devoting energy to it – to them.

But like the painting of blown sand on my easel I will continue to work with it, listening to what is needed next, to keep stepping forward to the finished product – a stunning expression of beauty and truth.

I won’t give up on it. Or me.

Catching Up

 These past 5 months have been otherworldly. They have been so filled with doctors, medicines, and issues of survival that I have pushed aside most other things hoping to pick them up again later. Well, now is later.

Dream Board, artist and copyright, Jill Mollenhauer

I’ve missed writing, expressing the depths of my soul. (Gosh I’ve missed lots of things, eating out being one of them!) But now that Robert is on the ‘get healthy’ side of this experience and little by little he’s able to participate in life, I find myself with the opportunity to do these things once again. Only this time I choose to do them more consciously.

I have been using this space for updates on his condition, seemingly putting aside the whole reason for this blog – the journey. I was just so tired I couldn’t expend the energy to dive in deeper and write. However so much has opened up during all this that I haven’t even been able to process it all yet. There is so much to say that, try as I may, I can’t seem to put it all together cohesively. The words keep piling up upon one another and my writing is off in yet another direction before I know it! What has showed itself to me surprises me, and yet not at all. So many truths kept hidden from my own self…. Look for more on all this soon.

Until then, a last update on Robert:


His last treatment was Jan 30^th, so it’s been over a month now and he’s looking much better. We’ve been informed by the doctors that the radiation continues to do its work for 3 months, so this would explain the ups and downs that he constantly feels. One day good, one day rotten. To say that he finds it disheartening would be an understatement. Those of you who know him and how physically active he likes to be can surely appreciate this.

We went to 2 doctors last week and each expressed joy at how well the treatment seems to have worked, but until the PET scan is done in April nothing can be said for sure. Of the 25 pounds lost, as of yesterday 10 had returned. Yeah! Although it is still challenging for him to swallow (it hurts tremendously) he is making himself intake food via mouth so that his system can recover faster. We’ve gotten masterful at smoothies and soups. The feed tube still gives him over ½ his daily calories and it can’t be removed until his weight has returned and he can swallow without difficulty. They say that could be anywhere between 3 months to 1 year. (Knowing him and his passion for surfing I would venture that he’ll be on the lower end of the scale if he has anything to do with it!)

His strength is returning and we go to the gym almost every other day. Sleep still plays a big part of the healing process and 10 -13 hours a day is not unusual. The toughest part of it all is keeping his spirits up. He gets frustrated so often, expecting more from his body, when it truth it seems to need more love.

We’re not really out and about yet as socializing can still be challenging for him. Each day brings some hurdles and some heights. It seems to be a matter of reminding ourselves to love and appreciate ourselves for exactly where we are right now, regardless of what the appearance is. We began the whole process saying we wanted to treat it with love. We might not have always been successful at that, but I know that it is still of paramount importance. Always.

For further more in-depth progress report on Robert may I suggest check in with his FaceBook page. He tries to update every now and then. In the meantime I have lots of catching up to do!

See you soon~