Baja - and Beyond

Back to Base Camp

2012-02-09T07:55:00.000-08:00

It’s 4 a.m. and I’ve been up 3 times now attending to various feeding tube issues with Robert. I might as well just stay up. Being awakened from a deep sleep by the machine’s alarm once is startling enough – 3 times is over the limit. But in truth I have had almost a week’s worth of relatively uninterrupted sleep, so I can’t complain. There were many weeks of just 2 hours at a time. Now I know what new mothers feel like. At least he is sound asleep now. Thank you, pain medication.

It’s been a week since treatment has been over. We reached the summit and now the return trip to ‘base camp’ has begun. The journey is not yet complete. (I find all these metaphors float through my brain, all these stories to help me along, encourage me and keep me going just that extra step further.) We can do this! The hard part is over, now it’s continuing on with awareness until we get to level ground.

There are times that I am so happy. He smiles, takes an extra-long walk, accepts a little more nutrition via the tube. This is how we get stronger! And then in a moment’s notice he is once again at rock bottom. Patience is a big part of this learning curve.

I am sure that one day we will leave this house for more than a couple of hours, maybe go to a movie, take a drive to the mountains, return home to Baja, but for now just getting through the day is still the top priority. Friends come and go, bringing cheer, flowers for the house, or food to keep me going (as Robert cannot eat yet). I always say an extra prayer of thanks each time someone extends that something extra. Even though I might not seem enthusiastic, I am deeply grateful, just tired.

The prognosis is good. Dr. Rice, the oncologist, say that she feels pretty certain all cancer has been removed via the treatment. If any remains, it would be removed surgically. No more chemo is in sight (or radiation according to her) but we’ll know for sure come April. That’s when the PET scan will be taken and all the doctors will have had their follow up exams completed. We see Dr. Smith, the radiologist, on Monday. Hopefully he’ll have wonderful news too. The biggest thing right now seems to be getting Robert’s throat well enough to allow him to eat again. By now his stomach is teeny tiny since he’s not eaten anything substantial in over 5 weeks. So the process of reintroducing food will begin, and I am sure that anything will taste heavenly! (The 25 pound weight loss on his light frame has taken him from thin-but-buff to painfully skinny.)

Slowly I begin the process of letting go, letting go of ‘mother mode’. It’s been a fine line that I have had to walk here, enough attention to assist him to survive, but not so much that he feels like a child. I have tried to live the mantra ‘suggest and support’, but I’m not sure how successful I have been. Now it is essential if he is to regain his self-esteem and I my life too.

It’s funny how you can put your life aside for someone you love if needed. And yet, to be of true service to another it is necessary to be whole oneself. I have found limits to what I can offer, because if I don’t then I am depleted and of no service whatsoever. I also see that if I found this at all a burden, it would make me embittered and kill me in the process. It has to be from the heart, deeply genuine and truthful or resentment will fester. And that is not healing for anyone.

So I am looking to regain my life too. You know that feeling when you’ve worked so hard, so hard that you haven’t stopped for way too long to rest? Then you get on vacation and you’re lost. What do you do with yourself? It can take some time to unwind. That’s kind of where I am. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself yet. I know I have a life; I just have to find it here someplace!

Painting has been sporadic at best. Everyone assures me that my art will change from this experience – and I know it will, but uninterrupted time has been at a premium.

I’ve found this whole journey to be one of deep introspection, amazing acts of love, and finding strength that I didn’t know I possessed. And it’s not over yet. Base camp is in sight, but still a ways off. At least I have hope; I can see an end. What I have learned is that life is too short and too precious to waste doing something that you just do not want to do! For God’s sake let us live out loud! Let us shout our dreams and live them to the fullest and let no one tell us we can’t! That is unacceptable behavior in my book now. I will no longer live with anyone else’s limitations. I am a lot more amazing than I ever realized.

I just summited the mountain. I’m headed back to camp a new and empowered woman. Wow, this is life changing…..

Freedom Day

2012-01-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

This update will be down and dirty folks. I want to keep you caught up on what’s happening and I find the time slips past me so quickly….

Tomorrow – Jan 30^th- will be Robert’s last radiation treatment. He had his last chemo a week ago. That wraps up 7 weeks of treatment – 35 radiations and 3 chemos. Thank goodness that we’re finally at the end! Now the rebuilding will begin.

For those of you who have not seen him, or haven’t been in touch with me, the sum is that he is now about 24 lbs lighter – so you can imagine how thin that is. He is very weak, his strength has slipped away and a walk around the block takes every bit he has. He sleeps a lot, and is looking forward to eating again. His throat is very red and sore – inside and out, and we’re working on sloughing off the dead burned skin cells on the outside and rebuilding fresh pink ones.

He has lost the hair around the base of his hair line in back and they said that he most likely will never be able to grow a beard (oh well! ) now. His voice is strained due to very sore throat, but that should be changing soon.

We’re told that it’ll be 2 weeks or so before he really feels a change in his strength or overall health, because the radiation continues to do its stuff for that long afterward, but that in 4 weeks “you’ll feel 100% better”( from the radiologist). Whatever the case, we’re going to be working on assisting him to eat. That has been the main issue as the product that he is fed through the feed tube in his stomach upsets him and he hates it. Swallowing is a challenge though he is doing a little every day.

Last we heard the tumors were 90% shrunk – and that was over a week ago. They said that he has responded very well – best they have ever seen in fact. I have high hopes that this will be the only round of treatments!

Life will begin again, headed toward some semblance of ‘normalcy’, officially on Tues – at least that is what we’re calling for. It’s Freedom Day! We are both thinking of how to symbolically celebrate it – that he can do – and yet make it a milestone. Still working on ideas there!

Many many thanks to everyone who has participated in this journey with us, for it has been a journey! The rides, the meals, the prayers and good thoughts, the phone calls to check in with me and see if I have been holding up have all been so deeply appreciated! I will let you know how the healing goes, and hope to renew my blogging before too long!!!

With deepest gratitude~

Connecting

2012-01-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

We gird ourselves. Layers of protection are spread across our bodies in the hopes that we will remain untouched. And yet that is exactly what we want most – to touch and be touched, to feel our connection to one another, to the Earth, the stars, to Life. Witness Michelangelo’s ‘Creation of Adam’ celebrating God’s touch with humankind. Or ET’s reaching out and touching his young friend. How celebrated that visual of reaching out to connect has been!

We are beings of connection, on many levels, from deep within, to the surface expression of sexual joining. We love it, we adore it.

So why the multiple layers of protection? Why have we piled on all these layers of seeming protection from that which we so deeply desire? Where did we decide that to be connected was threatening?

As I explore my own self I am continuously amazed at where I have layered myself with these ideas of protection. Like a football player who dons his uniform of extensive padding, I have carried this armor unaware. I have approached things like a warrior, ready to strike out if I felt threatened. I learned and accepted that it was necessary for survival. Now if I look deeply and honestly I can feel the spaces in my body where I have clenched to protect and ultimately to separate.

‘Is this truly necessary, or even desired?’ I ask myself. Do I really want to go about life with all this extra heavy ‘equipment’ strapped upon my body, weighing me down, hiding me and ultimately tiring me out, only to leave my body aged and frail?

What if I just let go?

What if I stand naked, lighter, unashamed and free of all the trappings of protection? After all, the closest thing we share is breath. And I certainly can’t – nor want to – cut myself off there. It sustains my body! Every breath I take has been circulated around the globe to be shared by billions of people, animals, plants and the like. It is our connection to one another. It is a cycle that was formed to remind us of our oneness, to feed and clear one another, to connect us at the Source level.

I am finding the process of divestiture to be very liberating, very freeing and very sweet. Conscious breath is just the beginning, but it is so cleansing! My choice to express as Jill – not as any family member or societal dictum would have it – is crucial to my blossoming. So what if it has taken me 50-something years to do this, what an adventure it is! The weight is already lifting.

A Quick Update on Robert

2012-01-05T10:09:00.001-08:00

A quick update on Robert

This last weekend – the New Year weekend – was a really rough one. Robert had his 2^nd of three chemos on Thurs the 29^th and as anyone familiar with the process will tell you – it sneaks up on you. Nine pounds lighter by Tuesday, he was very weak and still had trouble keeping anything down. We’re doing all we can to assist him, but I sure feel helpless. While the 3 day weekend was a nice break from the every weekday radiation, it was on the other hand, more challenging as we could not get into hydration. (He goes in every weekday a.m. to get hydrated via infusion. )

So as of today we’re 2/3’s the way through chemo and a little over ½ through radiation. What a process! I feel for anyone who has to go through this alone. (And I have heard of many!) The target date is Jan 29^th. There’s a big calendar on the wall and the days get crossed off nice and visibly each day.

The good news is that Dr. Smith, the radiologist, said yesterday that the tumor on the back of his tongue has shrunk 80% and the one in his neck has also almost disappeared! The news thrilled me and sent me on a high, only to be brought back to the here and now as Robert strains to have some sense of ‘normalcy’ in his life right now. Breaking the cycle of not being able to keep anything down has proved a challenge beyond imagining right now.

One day at a time, one moment at a time…….

Thanks to everyone who has so graciously offered transportation, fed me and just been there for support. Please know we both are eternally grateful!!

I am in Love

2011-12-30T18:50:00.000-08:00

I am in love. Yes, it’s true, I am. My heart swells and I sometimes tear at the thought of all those with whom I am in love.

It’s often said that there are many kinds of love – and there are- and that to be in love is different from just loving. Well, I choose to change that. Ultimately, it is my intention, my preference if you will, to offer unconditional love all across the board.

As I explore exactly what that means I have bumped into many rather unattractive places within my own self, places I rather wish were not there at all. Yet I have to face the fact that indeed they do exist. And if I am to be true to my own self I must own up to all that I have created in my life and change that which no longer fits me- like an old dress that I inherited, and wore, but no longer wish to clothe myself with.

So in my choice to be extending unconditional love, it means I must consciously exist in love all the time. Thus I am being truthful when I say, “I am in love”.

I am deeply in love with all the beautiful beings that have offered their assistance, support, good wishes and prayers for both Robert and me as we journey deeper into this experience called ‘cancer treatment.’ I am in love with those of you who stopped by yesterday at the chemo center and added your support to assist us in getting through the day, to each of the precious friends who have allowed me to have a moment’s cry upon your shoulder (because I needed it).

I am in love with the sweet ladies at the treatment center who gently attend to my partner with such dignity and grace, and who keep me informed and up to date. I am utterly amazed at the genuine care and sweet tenderness that is shared all around, from my tennis girlfriends to the clerks in Trader Joes, or the baristas at Starbucks. How I love you all!

The meals, the rides, the calls, the Facebook notes – all of them have touched me and I fall deeper in love each day. Please know that my life is being lived moment to moment right now – I cannot extent myself much further than that, so I hope you can feel what I am offering, because this is all I can focus on. My attention needs to be here, now.

I love you~

Update on Robert:

Yesterday’s chemo treatment was preceded by several days of intense challenge. Half way through the day yesterday he finally relaxed and allowed himself to let go. Last night was as restful as could be, considering. Today he has been queasy, but his spirits are higher than they have been for some time. I think that the thought of repeating chemo was quite taxing for him – understandably - and he sank deep into despair for a while there. Hopefully this weekend will not be as challenging as the last post-treatment one was. At least we have an idea of what to expect this time through.

Robert’s birthday is on Monday Jan 2^nd. It might not be our finest or most exciting New Year’s or birthday weekend, but I am sure it will remain in our memory banks forever!

Here’s wishing you a beautiful holiday weekend and a spectacular 2012. I know there is so much to come!

It's Christmas

2011-12-25T03:30:00.000-08:00

It’s Christmas, Beloved, just barely. The world is quiet and sounds are magnified.

What is my wish?

For peace, peace among men, peace in our hearts.

Peace from the civil war that we have waged against our own selves from time immemorial. The peace within that no longer fights with what we should or should-not do, but clearly is at one with our truest wishes and lives them as such.

The peace of one who follows her own heart and inner guidance with a pure knowing that this is absolutely perfect for me. For clearly if I am at peace within my own self, I am at peace with the world, for it is but a reflection of me.

I wish for love – and that too begins right here.

~For in the depths of your soul shall ye find love. There it is hidden – locked away – most ready to be liberated in a moment’s notice of unquestioning freedom, of Voice, of Spirit, of All That Is. Clearly you are the breath of Love, for your choices so acted upon, reflect your point of view.

Allow love to flow freely as never before. Unlock all the dungeon doors within and breathe love to the surface to be liberated, set free, emancipated. Allow Love its flight, for surely it has wings and can cover great distances with but the blink of an eye – a thought.

I am love. I carry the seeds of Love’s bounty within me ever ready to germinate, grow, and flourish – over and over and over again without limits to its expressions.

Created by Page Hodel, http://www.mondayheartsformadalene.com/

I am the seed of peace, of love, the Dove itself. I carry it in my connection to All. It begins with me.

It is Christmas. May I always carry this beauty truthfully and consciously in my heart.

May I say – I love you all.

Merry Christmas.

My Gift

2011-12-20T17:02:00.000-08:00

When I was a child we had a babysitter, Dee, an older woman, large and loving, who always said I had a guardian angel. In fact she always called me her guardian angel. Time and time again, her simple wisdom proved amazing. What I took as ‘just words’ back then I now realize was a beautiful invitation to an invisible network of support, a network that is available to each of us, on this level and beyond. Contrary to what others would lead us to believe, we are supported in the most brilliant of ways.

When the choice to play here on Earth was made, each of us received unfathomable connections to our Source so that we would never forget how deeply loved and cherished we truly are. Much goes on here that would offer different beliefs, but I know otherwise. If my life has been teaching me anything as of late, it’s that there is a network - a matrix - of love and assistance that none can change or remove. It is only our choice to ignore it that allows it to lessen in its appearance throughout our lives. Support it, and it grows.

There are ‘good’ days and there are ‘bad’ days, days where my smile is as wide as the Grand Canyon, and days where I just want it all to end, the hurt, the uncertainty, the challenges I see my partner going through in his journey with cancer.

Yet somehow, when I reach out and ask – really ask – for guidance, assistance, strength, unconditional love, I receive it. Every time. Not always through the avenue that I was expecting, but there none the less. Sometimes it comes in the form of a phone call offering help. Another time it was a rainbow stretched over the house and a songbird in the tree out front. However it shows up, this love touches me deeply and clears out whatever I had been holding onto, as if I had to protect myself. And each time it is a message that is very personal to me. How can I not be grateful?!

So in the depths of my meditation the other night I started to write what ‘advice’ I would give to an incoming being about life here on Earth. And it ended up being a stunning channeled message for my own self. What beauty there is in our connectedness!

I wrote:

What would I want to say?

~There is much to be experienced here – both seemingly ‘good’ and ‘bad’. None are to be judged as such, only take note. For in your acceptance of each, things will flow more easily and certainly be more fun.

~Enjoy all that this world has to offer you. There is great beauty therein. Life is infinite in its interpretations, shapes and sounds. Participate as you are so drawn to and see the beauty that is expressed at each corner, each intersection. Nature is abundance and pleasure is adored.

~Choose a direction of expression that is passionate to you. For in your choices you will be fortified with strength and devotion to all that is Us.

~ Know how deeply you are loved and supported by All That Is. Beings beyond your remembrance lift and guide you through all situations with but a request for help. Never are you alone. Never.

~Your choice to come here is celebrated by many. Please enjoy the experience. Play with gusto. Live larger, love with every fiber of your being. Breathe deeply, consciously, fully. Open and allow it all to be felt in your love for your own self – your own journey here – for this is why you came- to express it all.

~Don’t hold back for anyone else’s choice to be in discomfort. They will grow – or not - as they so choose. Do not allow their choices to dictate your speed, your altitude, your direction. Limiting yourself thusly only reduces the light you project and no one benefits in the end by such measures. That is not love – no matter what you are told otherwise.

~ Allow yourself to be swallowed whole by This that is you. Swim in it. You are beautiful, so complete, so divine in nature. Dive in. Just as Queen’s Bath (Kauai) supports and lifts you – so too will We, your own self expressed through numerous reflections, on numerous levels and varied ‘shapes’. Know We are here to guide you, support you, and connect you in your choice to be so attended.

~We salute your choices to express this. We long for your deepest expressions to be made manifest and you also have this longing – this desire. Such beauty should not be contained in a little box. It does not fit.

May you feel the deepest expressions of love that are contained herein. Take them into your heart and feel the joy behind the words. I offer them as a Christmas gift, a holiday gift, a timeless gift of gratitude and appreciation for you being truly you.

Thank you~

And as a follow up on Robert:

We’re ¼ of the way through treatment today. He actually gained back 2 lbs as of yesterday!! Yippee!! His next chemo is on the 29^th of Dec, and he gets radiation every Mon- Fri. He’s ‘recovered’ from the 1^st chemo, but now the radiation is beginning to be felt. We’re told that soon he won’t be able to swallow without difficulty and food will lose its taste. We’re working at putting on as much poundage as possible before that!

With a change in diet, lots of water, plenty of naps, and as much walking and exercise as we possibly can fit in- so far, so good. The holidays will not be quite like the usual, but we are together, and ever so grateful for all the help that has been extended. Your emails and phone calls, visits and good wishes are definitely working!!

If you are around on Thurs Dec 29^th and can stop in at Sharp Memorial Outpatient Infusion Center (3075 Health Center Dr. suite 102, 92123) from 11:30 a.m. – 5:00 p.m., I know that he’d love a visit. (They will validate your parking.)

Thanks for all your wonderful assistance with the surf videos! Perfect!

Robert’s birthday is Mon Jan 2 and sure to be not as pleasurable as usual. If you wish to email him: rblando@sbcglobal.net.

Thank you!

xxoo

I am Learning

2011-12-05T00:59:00.000-08:00

I am learning so much from this experience already. Even now it is exactly one of those things that one hears of - how adversity strengthens us and makes us grow. Well, I have always asked myself to grow, to open, to be absolutely true to that which is Divine, and this is how it is showing up for me right now. I accept this, gratefully. (I may now always be graceful in my acceptance, but I am filled with gratitude for each opportunity I have to be more present, more truthful, more honed in my awareness and for all those who assist me in this way.)

This is not a fight - a challenge yes. From the beginning we both have chosen to view this experience of cancer as an adventure, something we have, on some level, chosen to create so that we can grow and thrive in new ways. We both have chosen to act in love. I would rather go with the Flow, spreading the energy of love than create a battle ground of strife and fear. Please do not think this leaves me helpless, far from it. It gives me strength.

As I watch my beautiful beloved partner, who has always been a pillar of physical strength, be in immense pain from just the preliminary preparations for treatment, it both hurts and shocks me. He has always been so healthy, and to see him bent over walking like an old man stuns me. And we have yet to really begin…. Where it will go, how it will go, in truth, I don’t know, but I hold closely to that vision of our home in Baja, of returning there in the spring and once again walking by the water, smelling the salty air, seeing him run off with his surf board under his arm, and returning to my beautiful art studio upstairs.

Somewhere along the way in my life I picked up the lesson that I had to be strong, emotionless even. That I could make my way through anything. And all that really did was numb the hell out of me. Well, this, my friends, is a wakeup call for me. If I am to survive this intact and whole, I need to learn to ask for help and receive it with graceful, grateful appreciation. It’s OK to ask – that’s my lesson right now.

Up until now, I had not been able to understand what will be needed. So many have offered their assistance yet Robert has been so strong that I couldn’t even imagine what to ask for. But now I am getting an inkling of what might be in store and I can see that to take care of him, I also need to take care of me.

I need help with housework, with driving him to his daily radiation appointment – 5 days a week for 7 weeks (beginning Thurs Dec 8, ending Fri Jan 27^th). I need help in the form of just having someone to come and sit with him, keep him company for a couple of hours that will allow me to do what I need to recharge. I need nutritious healthy food to keep us both going strong. I need to be able to take time to myself for exercise, creating, what have you. (I hope to get art equipment today, as all my things are in Baja!)

There is so much about to happen in the form of his treatment this coming week – the beginning of Dec – and I admit to being at a loss for much of it. I have to dive in and really face this head on. I think before I just was too scared to do so. Now I know I have to. I have to look my fears straight in the eye, and say thank you, I will grow, I will thrive, I will live and I will love.

If you see a way in which you would like to participate, please, I thank you for it. If sending love is what is available from you, I thank you for it.

Just the opportunity to express this is so huge for me.

I am learning so much.....

Update - 11-19-11

2011-11-19T08:43:00.000-08:00

The sky looks poised for rain, or maybe not. It can’t seem to decide. But with that indecision the most beautiful cloud formations are strewn across the sky, interspersed with patches of bright cerulean blue. The rising sun has tinged the edges of the massive gray patches with pink and silver and the wind is pushing it swiftly across the screen, just like a movie. Simply beautiful~

Nature and all her changes, colors, sounds and flavors have always deeply touched both Robert and I. I guess that is just one reason that we love our home in Baja so. Well, that and Robert is a bit taken with the surf…. ;-) Before too long we intend to return and soak it up yet again!

And that leads me into the update on Robert.

Yesterday he went in for a biopsy – we called it our ‘oscopy day’, as the procedure was labeled with many oscopies to be done. In early (6 a.m.!) and out by 9, he was pretty groggy from the general anesthesia. They took samples and I was told something was removed – though what, I don’t know yet. The instructions were to keep him quiet, relaxed, eating soft foods for a day or so and very limited vocal usage. Once the effects of the drugs began to wear off he was pretty chipper. He even commented that it was easier to swallow than before! Of course being a Friday, the results always wait until the following week, but I have a really good feeling about this.

We have numerous appointments scheduled next week – right before Thanksgiving – to prepare him for treatment, which we assume will commence right after the holiday. There are tubes to be inserted, masks to be made – the list goes on and on. But at least things are beginning to move…..

And speaking of moving, fingers crossed, we will be into the house we’re renting by Thanksgiving. For those of you who want an address, we’re receiving all our mail at the old Johnson Ave address (1275 Johnson Ave, SD 92103-2317) as it is just 3 doors down from this house, and easier that way. Our wonderful tenants, Cliff and Marie, forward our mail into our own mail slot in the garage. Our ‘new’ house itself sits directly on the east corner of Johnson and Maryland, red house with green trim. (Or is it the other way around?) We are looking forward to getting in this week after a good thorough cleaning and making it ‘our’ space for the time being. I know the owner, Dave, is doing all he can to get out as he has a job for 3-4- months up in Laguna Beach that he needs to get going on. We are very grateful for his assistance here!

And speaking of grateful, there is so much to say thank you for. We have received so many phone calls, messages on FB, so much love being sent over all. Thank you! Many of you have shared that you are assisting in the healing with energy work. Thank you! My brother, Mike, has been working with the both of us diligently. Thank you! For all the care, the love, the dinners, the offers of assistance: Thank you! If I knew another word that could sum it up succinctly, I would use it, for our gratitude is flowing in unending measure.

With love, all things are possible. And there is a whole lotta love here! So I invite you to join me as I begin each day breathing in love through my heart and then letting the exhale spread that sweet warm love throughout my whole body, loving myself as I go. It is a natural response that it will flow out into the world for all to feel and share. This is how healing happens.

In case things get hectic and I don’t have a moment to tell you before the holiday, Happy Thanksgiving! I treasure each and every one of you.

Xxoo~

Ps, if you didn’t get a chance to see Robert’s video on FB, log onto his page, or mine and take a look. He did good! http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1001384259#!/profile.php?id=1644573565

In the Sweetness of Breath

2011-11-17T17:28:00.000-08:00

In the sweetness of breath I find comfort and love. I can allow myself to release all the closely held emotions and just feel them – as a mother holds a crying child to her breast. With love and tenderness.

What are you trying to show me?

If I am still enough I can feel the answer…

Who am I in truth? Am I the watcher, or the watched? Am I the feelings, the happenings, the one to whom they happen?

I am it all.

I am the breath and the body into which it is drawn. I am the cells that feast upon each inhale and release each exhale. I am the essence of the feast itself.

I am the warmth that spreads across the body with each breath and settles down into the root – there to accumulate until it expands out and beyond me.

I am the rhythm, the vibration that creeps in, reflected as the heartbeat.

I am the rhythm that rushes in from ‘outside’ and joins this vibration, amplifying it until it has merged into one.

One voice, one song, one love.

I am it all.

Thank you~

It is Done

2011-11-15T09:52:00.000-08:00

It’s magical – I can feel it!

Several messages came while asleep that told me so. There was a light earthquake at 12:33 a.m. and others that I cannot fully recall – only that I was continually at that ½ awake state; I was so excited to wake up and share this!

It is done. And I am getting continuous crackling all through the room in confirmation.

Thank you All for such beautiful assistance to grow, to thrive, to live!

I can let go completely and dive fully into love without hesitation.

Indeed this is my choice~

Love and Gratitude

2011-11-13T15:42:00.000-08:00

It is simply stunning today. And I am deeply grateful for each breath I take, each molecule of sunshine that warms my skin.

As unusual as it may seem, life, while having thrown us a curve ball, still holds the most precious love, perhaps even more so now. After a glorious storm and cleansing rain yesterday the sun is as vibrant as ever today. The light winds caress everything while the water sparkles and dances with expectancy.

Robert has gone out with some guy friends to watch the America’s Cup pre-trials on the bay. A more perfect day could not have been ordered for it. After a morning workout and then some much needed filing projects, we parted ways. This evening we’ll dine with friends who are just one of the many who are determined that they will assist Robert in ‘fattening up’ before treatment begins. I am doing a wonderful job of supporting him in this roll :-/

As an update, while we have met all the team of doctors and had many tests done, there remain a few before treatment begins. We expect that to be in a week or so. It looks to be a combo of chemo and radiation done concurrently. He’s doing very well, and truly, if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t know that anything was out of balance. We’re remaining very upbeat and positive as healing is all in the attitude! So until it all begins we’re continuing to enjoy all that we have, our dear friends, our love, and our creativity. I mean heck, if you have to be ‘stuck’ some place this is about as good as it gets! J

Everyone has been so beautifully supportive, and we can’t say thank you enough to Karen and Ky, along with Mark and Wendy for allowing us to take refuge in their beautiful homes until the house we are renting becomes available – hopefully mid-week, this week. To my brother for his assistance with energy healing, to Weston for his continual love, support and guidance and all my dear sweet friends and family who check in with me and give me space, too.

Our deepest gratitude to each and every one of you who have been reaching out and touching our hearts with your love and support. We are thriving with all your sweet love!

As odd as it may seem, we both have agreed that this is one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to us. What a wakeup call! I know I am opening, letting go and deepening my connection to Source every day and for that I am eternally grateful.

So, I just wanted to catch you up on the happenings here. If all goes as expected we should be able to return to our beautiful beach house in Abreojos this spring. That is our goal. (Thanks Mona and Gerry and Ed for watching over it for us and watering!) One doctor said Robert would not be surfing for at least a year, but Robert has other designs. He has decided that he will beat that by 4 months. YEAH!

Our daily ritual is to breathe love into our hearts, and release it throughout our bodies in gratitude for all they do for us. Love and gratitude, that is how this healing is going to be made manifest.

Love and Gratitude.

I am sending just that you each of you. May you see the beauty that you are and may your heart accept it with gracious love.

Now that dear friends, will heal the world~

xxoo

Robert

2011-11-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

I hurt. I hurt for me, for Robert, for everyone who ever has had to face this dreaded prognosis of cancer/chemo/radiation. It feels unreal and I see how easy it is to just hope that you’ll wake up and all of it will have been a bad dream. I hurt for all the times that I have not opened my heart to those in situations like this, or any time there is pain or sorrow. It pains me to think that I have steeled m heart so……

Tears come so frequently and so suddenly. Sometimes I forget to breathe, and then I have to remind myself to take deep long breaths and allow myself to feel it all. To let Love wash over me and through me, to forgive myself for anything or any time that I might have behaved in a way that was ultimately trying to protect myself from feeling…

This a.m. we met with the ear, nose and throat specialist to get the full lowdown on what’s happening. I say full, but it never is. It’s always just another step, another bout of terrifying news. So the overall diagnosis is stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma. There is a tumor on his tongue and at least one in his neck, in the lymph node. It will require both chemo and radiation, and we’re not sure if surgery is going to be done. There are a couple of options that will be discussed in more depth after Dr. Torchinsky (sorry I may have his name wrong, but it is a long one) presents the findings of another biopsy – to be performed this week- to the specialist board on this type of situation. In the meantime Dr. T has gathered his team- Dr. Christine Rice, oncologist and Dr. Damian Gordon, radiologist- and he is moving forward quickly as possible because of the lateness of this discovery.

The overall outlook seems to be that things will begin to get moving in a couple of weeks. They want to be absolutely sure of what they are dealing with. He said in all honestly it’ll be really rough. Robert will have to have a feeding tube in him for some time – even before the treatment, and he is concerned about his present weight. (You know Robert – always so slim and trim!) So we have to get weight on him a.s.a.p. What a change to go to the grocery store and instead of looking for low fat to do the opposite! Once radiation begins he will not be able to eat for a long time, as his throat will be closed up. I think the most difficult thing for Robert to hear, next to the feeding tube, which really hit hard, was that surfing will be off his radar for at least a year…

On the bright side, we have found a house just a ½ block from our Johnson Ave home, which is rented. That makes it very convenient for us both, as so many friends are close by. Thank you Dave Peterson!!

I know this all comes as a shock to you, believe me, I know! And truly, I am at a loss for words with it all, but so many of you have been asking and offering assistance. We are so deeply touched by the outpouring of love and support. Thank you all.

We both know that the one thing above all else that will help us to get through this is love, deep heartfelt love. So we both ask that you take moments throughout the day and just breathe in love. Fill your heart with sweet golden love. Love yourself. When you touch that beautiful place within it will automatically flow out to us, to everyone who ever has or ever will need it. Because in Truth, we are all connected. Even with all the procedures that lay ahead of us, we would like to treat it with love, and your assistance is so gratefully accepted.

I will continue to post updates on this blog. Feel free to pass it on to anyone who might wish to help or be helped.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for everything and for loving.

1000 Angels

2011-11-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

My heart broke open, into 1000 pieces that lay scattered across the floor. I saw each one. And then there were 1000 angels, each one picking up a piece of my heart and putting it back together again. They handed it to me, all healed and even stronger than before for its expression. As I held it in my palm, the 1000 angels parted to reveal 10,000 more behind them waiting, in case they were needed too.

I cried even more.

Somewhere along the line in my lifetime(s) I believed the idea that was presented to me via a multitude of channels that I always needed to hold something back – just in case I needed it later. It might be love, a way to support myself, or how I chose to play. Always, I needed to keep some set aside because if I didn’t, it might run out. So without even knowing it I followed that advice and kept a little part of me separate, not fully expressing all the love that I am. And with that other expressions became bottled up. Certainly I had always believed that anger was not appropriate to express, and sadness had to be contained too, along with a host of others that I am sure I have not even begun to see yet. But the biggest, most painful part to see has been that I would not dive utterly, completely into love.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty loving person, so this realization came as a powerful shock to me. It has limited me in all my expressions, not the least of which has been with my beautiful partner in life, Robert. How could I not have been utterly truthful and open with the man who has been in my life for over 30 years?! Yet, I can see how I was holding something in reserve, just in case.

And, you know, inside I could tell that it affected the amount I would allow myself to receive too. As I searched deeper within to get to the core of it all, I can honestly say that I have never allowed myself to receive fully either. Because, in some interestingly twisted way, the thought was present that if I did accept it all, I’d have to give back that much too, and I might run out.

So I hid. I used disguises like ‘strong’ or ‘spiritual’ or ‘unnecessary’ to distract my attention from what was really going on. I bottled it up and kept a tight lid on it, because I did not want to see it.

But Spirit is so beautiful and patient in its teaching. It will repeat over and over that which we need to hear, until something happens to jolt us into awakening, because that’s why we’re here. Well, something has come up on my horizon to shock the bejezus out of me. Only a few days ago, while preparing to exit San Diego and return to Baja, Robert had a medical exam that uncovered what appears to be mass on the back of his tongue, and a lump in his throat. We are still undergoing tests and exams, so no diagnosis has been made, but every emotion imaginable has arisen, and needless to say lots of tears have been shed.

My mentor lovingly cracked open the box when he asked me to really feel everything that was showing up inside me. I thought I had been. With some guidance I saw how resistant I have been to all of it. Oh how it pained me! I rushed in to tell Robert all that I had discovered and to cry some more, laugh some and above all stand nakedly open, raw, and even vulnerable before him. And to make a vow that I will express from now on, with everyone.

We’re in limbo here, for how long, we don’t know. None of the future is knowable. We only have right now. So staying very present is my chief concern. I want to be here in every moment that comes – be that a week, a year, or a lifetime. I chose to show up. Completely.

And that is when I had the vision of 1000 angels healing my heart. Yes, I hurt. I am scared, but I refuse to hold back love any longer. I only hurt myself when I do. I have chosen to consciously open and become aware. In the oneness of all life, in every form, we are connected and everything is a reflection of my own self. I love Me, in all my infinite expressions. And it begins right here, in this body, called Jill.

Jill, I forgive you for what you once believed to be true. I know now that there is no limit to love; it is infinite and need never be corralled or saved. Thank you, Jill, for showing me this so that I can grow and flourish, blossom even. And know, Jill, that I love you unconditionally.

To all the ‘other’ people who are reading this, you are reflections of my own self, and I want you to know, I love you and I thank you. Don’t be surprised if the next time we meet I seem different.

I am.

Ps, I promise to keep you informed about Robert. Until then, all love, prayers and good wishes are gratefully accepted with the deepest appreciation.

Oh, Good Morning!

2011-10-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

Oh, good morning! How are you? Forgive me please, I had not meant to be away for so long. Things have just gotten busy, and well, that is really about the only excuse I have. But I have missed you! I adore these moments of sharing, of opening up and really expressing. You are so appreciated.

Yes, the last month has been quite full, what with leaving Baja for a visit to the States. We stayed in San Diego for a week to get appointments taken care of, and then jetted off to Hawaii for 2 weeks. (One of which was spent at a retreat – ah, the bliss of it!) Now we’re back in SD still doing ‘things’ to get ready to return south in a week or so.

What has been most interesting is noticing the changes in me since having moved to Baja back in July. I see differently. What once seemed to hold fascination or was off-putting, no longer is. I am willing to go to new places, within and without; I am letting go of old paradigms and moving ahead. And it is very freeing.

As we drove north from Punta Abreojos at the beginning of October, these changes became apparent to me. Where once I might have seen squalor, and judged it as such, I now saw potential, vibrancy and heart. Plazas were festooned with colorful flags celebrating Mexico and her inhabitants. There were orange churches, screaming pink houses, a building with purple turrets, a soft pastel pink YMCA and stores that simply could not be missed for the riot of color out front. What a visual feast! I felt like I was seeing with fresh eyes. Old judgments had dropped and I could breathe. When had I become so intolerant of other lifestyles and choices? At what point had I steeled my heart to not feel openly, with passion and unconditional love? I never knew I had carried such protective armor within.

Arriving in SD we went right to work to take care of various ‘to-dos’ on the list, just to whittle it down somewhat before leaving on the 13^th for Hawaii. I have participated in Weston Jolly’s Hawaii Retreat now for 5 years and I cherish the opportunity each time to open further and grow, and of course this year was no exception. The assistance to dig deeper within and really take accountability for all my choices is something that I am ever grateful for. (Thank you Wes, Karen and all the participants!)

So the 1^st week on Kauai we ‘retreated’ while the 2^nd week was spent snorkeling, reading, hiking, and general enjoyment. But interestingly, for the 1^st time ever, both Robert and I were ready to leave before our scheduled departure. As beautiful as Hawaii is, with the luscious greens and vibrant flora everywhere, it no longer felt the same. Looking carefully at it, I could see that part of the draw of Hawaii had been that I’m on the beach, with blue skies and spectacular cloud formations overhead and I can go jump in the water anytime, it’s so warm. But now I live on the beach, with all those exceptional qualities! (Albeit not with the lush plant life….) Somehow it just didn’t feel as exciting as before. So I spent a week in heartfelt gratitude for such wonderful opportunities and said good bye to the island. I have gained so much there and I now am ready to move on to new experiences, new places.

And that is kind of how San Diego feels, too. I do so love my friends here and am grateful for the chance to check in and exchange hugs. Restocking supplies is easy and plentiful here, but the draw to stay – no that is gone. I wondered how I would feel when I returned. Now I know. I am ready to drive south to our casita on the beach, my studio, my paints and to new adventure. There is so much more to being than I ever dreamed imaginable and I choose to explore this! What a joy this life is!

So forgive me, please, if I have been long winded. I just had to let you know where I have been, and why you’ve not heard from me in some time. Certainly it is not for lack of caring, oh no! Many is the time that I have stopped and thought, “I have to write about that!” but I didn’t take my computer with me to Hawaii. I just needed to step aside and check in deeply. And now that I have, get ready, I’m going to adventure!

Autumnal Thoughts

2011-09-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

I am sitting at my dining room table facing the water, listening to Hawaiian slack key guitar music, sipping tea and waiting for the sun to get just a little closer to the horizon so that I can go out and bid farewell to the day. It always amazes me how perfectly Hawaiian music fits here. I guess natural beauty celebrated in sound is appropriate no matter where you are.

The sky is filled with small, puffy, cotton ball clouds. There are clouds here like no other place I have ever been. At times there will be wispy, sweeping ‘angel wing’ clouds stretching across the sky that take your breath away they are so stunning. They often appear directly in front of our house. It’s hard not to feel wealthy here! Life just keeps giving and giving. All l I have to do is accept and receive.

Tonight is the new moon. It’s perfect weather to cozy up on the porch, watch the Milky Way and look for shooting stars. Just a few days ago it officially became autumn. One has to be delicately attuned to feel a difference as yet. It’s not unlike San Diego in that the light changes and there seems to just a little nip in the air in the mornings and evenings. After all, the thermometer has gotten down to 76! (And this causes us to put on sweaters; oh how quickly we have adapted to the new climate!)

Rowdy tidepooling

With the new moon the tidal swings are extreme. Today’s low tide found Rowdy and me out at the tide pools, enjoying the warm water and wandering here and there. Rowdy is always ecstatic to be in the pools as his favorite pastime is fishing, and our 3 trips there today were simply not enough for his taste. I took my camera and played with underwater photography. There is a certain pool roughly 45 yards out and normally under a good deal of water, which is my favorite. I call it the Castle Pool. At some point in time someone poured a concrete wall way out there – for the life of me I can’t imagine why- but it forms a protected 4 foot deep pool that always has fish and plant life in it. And if Rowdy isn’t bounding across it, it is crystal clear and peaceful.

Lately there have been numerous mobula rays in the bay that repeatedly jump out of the water and fly through the air. Sometimes they land gracefully, sometimes they belly flop. When I first noticed them I Googled ’rays of Baja’ to try and learn something about the phenomenon. Not much info, but some great You Tube clips. Robert and I have been utterly entertained and spent quite a bit of time swimming with them yesterday, just enjoying the show.

Hurricane Hillary is south of Cabo San Lucas right now and it is possible that we might get a little rain this weekend, though it is rare that any storm makes it this far north. I think Pt. Abreojos has an average rainfall of 3” per year, though we’ve been in a drought for some time now…..

Chris, Tracey, Robert, Tattay and Rowdy

We had our first guests this past weekend. Tracey, Chris, and their dog Tattay, stopped by for a couple of nights on their way down to Punta Conejo. What a wonderful time we had entertaining and relaxing. As we have been building I keep seeing us entertaining, but until now it has only been an occasional dinner party. (Admittedly the 13 hour drive here might be a drawback :) They seemed to enjoy walking out the driveway to take a dip in the warm water, occasionally casting a fishing line and long beach walks.

We will be spending 2 weeks in Hawaii in mid-Oct. I am really excited about that too!! Weston Jolly's Hawaii Retreat– our annual gift to ourselves! It will be interesting to see how the tropics feel after the desert. And as always, a change of pace and scenery is good for the creative spirit. In that vein of thought I plan to visit Oaxaca in Feb. (Look for a blog on that trip soon, as we still need 4 people to complete the list!)

Summer has been absolutely exquisite and I am looking forward to seeing what fall will bring. I hear that it is the most beautiful season here. I can’t imagine it being any more splendid!

I Love

2011-09-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

I love how the wind caresses my skin with warmth.

I love how the sea is ever changing in its dress, its color, its texture and song.

I love the way the birds dance with the wind, how the pelicans glide so gracefully only to land so clumsily.

I love how the clouds gather across the horizon forming vast billowing thunderheads one day and shear soaring angel wings the next.

I love the blues and turquoises bunched up against tans and browns, earth colors against sea and sky.

I love the ripples left by the receding waves, patterns of infinite beauty and texture, fascinating the artist within me to see dark against light, color and texture.

I love the songs, the calls of the birds awakening me each morning, inviting the sun to rise above the mountains across the bay and climb across the sky yet again.

I am surrounded by inspiration, by wealth of Life, by the Earth, Sky and Water. It is my honor to play here, to explore this.

With each inhale I receive. With each exhale I give back the love extended 10 fold.

I love this dance~

Painting: Baja Landscapes #4

Artist and Copyright Jill Mollenhauer 2011

For more information Jill Mollenhauer.com

Fiesta Weekend

2011-09-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

The day was ending as magically as it had begun. I was sitting sipping sweet tea on the patio under an expanse of blazing stars. The Milky Way began at the horizon directly in front of me and shot across the inky sky over my head and beyond the rooftop. How could I possibly not feel utterly rich when surrounded by such beauty?

It had begun with a pre-dawn walk along the beach, Robert, Rowdy and I. The warm water invited us to walk knee deep. Baby dolphins were playing in the shore break directly in front of us and their child-like energy was infections. It was such a delight that we failed to even notice the sun’s climb above the horizon until it was shining fully upon land and sea. What a precious way to begin this fiesta weekend!

Mexican Independence Day, Sept 16th, is celebrated here in Abreojos with days of partying, parades, dancing, games and a fishing tournament that draws contestants from near and far. It is their ‘4^th of July’. Our neighbors Tom and Marianne have a house full of Norte Americanos who have come down for the event.

Never having experienced this holiday before, we didn’t know what to expect. We had planned to go to the festivities in town, but getting information regarding the times for these events always seemed to draw multiple conflicting answers, so we decided to spend the majority of the day working on the house and then show up in the afternoon. After all there were 3 days of fiesta planned. Surely we would not miss them all!

There seems to be a custom here in Baja (maybe all of Mexico, I don’t know) that the arrival of the rancheros from the outlying ranches signals the beginning of the ‘real’ party. Since many of the ranches are deep in the mountains or desert, in times past, it could take days for them to ride their horses into the closest town to celebrate. (This accounts for why Mexican parties are known to last several days and the hosts feed and shelter their guests for the interim.) While trucks and vehicles have become the preferred method of transport nowadays, they still bring their horses and begin the festivities with a parade, riding down the main street. We really wanted to see this, but not knowing when it was scheduled (oh what a word for Mexico!) we voted for getting some projects done.

Imagine my surprise when I heard Robert calling me to come outside and see something. There were about 30-40 riders moving along the road out front! Mixed in with the horses were quite a few cars and further down, the road was lined with more cars and people who knew the horses were coming out here. I stepped outside my front door, walked across the driveway and enjoyed the parade. It had come to me!

Early in the afternoon we went into town to see what was going on. We strolled the malecon and saw the stage that had been erected for the band, the children’s play area, the booths that lined the street selling various foods, and the houses that had miraculously become ‘restaurants’ with tables, chairs and sign boards listing their menus.

Having experienced the street fairs of San Diego my whole life, with their sheer size and volume of attendees, one must appreciate what it is like here in a town of 1600 people and cultural differences. This is a big event here. Meapa (Muheres en Accion, Punta Abreojos- Women in Action, Punta Abreojos) spends days cleaning the town, cooking for the rancheros, organizing events and planning the games. Mexican flags fly from car antennas and garlands of green, white and red are strung everywhere. There is a surf contest (2 divisions according to age) with judges who are brought in from Wild Coast (a US based environmental group), dance performances by the children, an awards ceremony and of course the crowning of the Queen. And all this carries a certain innocence and delightful simplicity that I’ve never experienced in the States. The festival street is only 2 blocks long. Yet the enthusiasm is huge.

By sunset, many of our friends – Americans and locals alike- lined the street, libations in hand. I noticed a thick white rope some 50 feet long stretched across the sand. Tug of war? Yep. Before too long groups would gather by the rope, teams would form and Eduardo would officiate with just enough solemnity and lightheartedness to make it fun and a serious challenge. There were girls against boys, Gringos against Mexicans, rancheros against fishermen, and general free for all’s. Robert and our friends competed in a Gringo/Mexican round and everyone was completely spent afterwards. The American ‘pod’ sat on the beach close by and cheered and shouted encouragements. And here is where some cultural differences show up.

It seems that cheering is not done for things like this, nor is clapping after a band finishes a song. While we boisterously shouted and hooted the rest of the crowd was probably looking at us as though we were noisy children. That is not to say that the Mexicans do not participate. Heavens no! They will dance until sunrise and play with more heart than you can imagine, but they do not clap or shout. (Except at the baseball games, then it the exact opposite.) It seems so unusual to me, yet their energy lasts until dawn and I simply do not. So who knows? Maybe they are just too dignified to let go until more beer has been consumed; I have never lasted long enough at the gatherings to find out.

The highlight of the evening for us was the pole climb. I’d never witnessed this before and I marveled at the determined attitude of the competitors, along with their physical strength and fortitude. A 30 to 40 foot pole had been erected in the sand on the beach, just in front of the tug of war zone and it had been slathered very liberally with axle grease. At the top were 4 pieces of paper that fluttered in the wind on short strings. The goal was to get to the top and tear all the papers off the pole. Someone told me that you wanted to be the 60^th person to try because until most of that grease was removed, there was no chance. And to top it off I hear axle grease is next to impossible to clean up.

Right around sunset a group of young men approached the pole and began to run their hands up and down it, as high up as they could reach, removing as much of the blue lubricant as they could and then flinging it on to the sand. (We all backed up rapidly!) Obviously they had been planning their attack for some time as they had 6 in their group and they seemed to know how they wanted to do it. The two biggest burliest guys formed the bottom tier by hugged each other tightly with the pole between them. Then, one by one, the others climbed up onto their shoulders and began to make a chain of bodies stretching to the top - they hoped. One minute they would look so strong then slowly the grease, that had by now spread to every inch of their bodies, faces and clothes alike, would take over and in slow motion they’d slide down the pole, landing in a heap, like an overheated candle that had melted. The grease mixed with the sand and sweat gave for better traction and every so often they would apply more sand on top of the grease. (I am sure that they had to throw away their clothing afterwards!)

It took 11 tries to reach the top and between each attempt they would gather to reassess the situation. Extra bodies were brought in when on try #8 they had all participants up and steady, but were just 3 feet shy of being able to reach the papers. When they did reach the top, smiles, cheers, back slapping and beers were liberally passed around.

By this time the sun had long set. The band was playing and people were beginning to dance. We joined them for a while and then headed home, knowing that the party would last until dawn at least. And most of these folks were signed up for the fishing tournament at 6 a.m. the following day! I don’t know how they do it, but do it, they did.

We wandered down the next day around 4 to see results of the tournament’s catch, and the whole festival area had been moved off the street and onto the beach. MEAPA was serving free fish meals, the Tecate booth was doing brisk business and 5 massive black sea bass hung waiting to be weighed. The band was playing, families were seated under shade tents and the tournament’s sponsor, Shimano, was tallying the results for all the categories. Our neighbor Marianne had a yellow tail in the running in the women’s division. The sun was beating down on the playa and by this time we both had had enough partying, so we returned home.

Today (the following day) all is quiet. I think most people are sleeping still. Many folks will be leaving tomorrow, headed back to their home bases and life around here will return to its relaxing speed. It has been a wonderful holiday weekend and I am glad that I got to experience it.

The riches keep flowing!

A Little Trip to Heaven

2011-09-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

Living in a surf community, for those of you who, like me, do not surf, can become rather monotonous. At times I find it rather disheartening. To share a common passion is such a beautiful thing and I honor the beauty and fluidity of the sport! Really, I do! I just wish that sometimes the conversation could include some other topics…..

Punta Abreojos is such a naturally stunning place; it attracts avid surfers and kite borders alike, but few of them actually live here for more than a few weeks (even days) at a time. Naturally their time here revolves around their passion. But certainly there is more to life than the waves! It was at one such point of frustration that I told Robert I was questioning my ability to live here full time. “Please, I need something more!”

In a stroke of genius he suggested we take a little ‘vacation’. We plan on going to the Sea of Cortez this winter and it is blistering hot there right now, so that was out of the question. However Bahia Asuncion, a town just a 2 ½ hour drive up the coast, has a new B&B that looked to be just the ticket. Thank goodness for the internet; we found all we needed to make what looked like a wonderful overnight adventure.

We asked our neighbors up the hill, Mona and Jerry, to go with us and off we started one Monday morning, bags packed and picnic lunches in hand. We stopped at Punta Chorros, a surf spot just a few kilometers south of the town to walk and explore before heading on and checking in.

Jean and Ed Epifani, the owners of Bahia Asuncion B&B couldn’t have been more pleasant and delightful. We hit it off right away. The rooms were clean and beautifully decorated. Since they were not quite finished with the construction, they gave us a wonderful deal on the price. They live half the year in Punta Chivato, on the gulf side, and half the year at the in Bahia Asuncion. Fluent in Spanish, Jean leads trips to Oaxaca at least once a year and she is a wealth of knowledge concerning all things Mexican.

After suggesting several places for dinner, the guys’ desire for a burger won out and we went to Loncheria Mari. What a hoot! Tomas, the owner and chef was entertaining, accommodating and he makes a mean seafood cocktail. We had way more food than we could eat, and it was all so good! As we sat at the table, beers in hand, my eyes wandered around the small room and rested on the ceiling fan just above. All 3 light bulbs were a different color – 2 of them even painted in swirls! And a goofy Christmas reindeer ornament hung as a pull. I just have to love the Mexican way, always a surprise!

Tomas asked us if we wanted musica and when we said, yes, but not too loud please, he put on a mix of Reggae and Carlos Santana; it set a perfect tone for the evening. Mona wanted a mineral water, so Tomas ran down the street to buy one. Robert and Jerry wanted tequila, so Robert drove back to the B&B and got a bottle he had brought. Through it all Tomas smiled, laughed and conversed with us with a pure open heart. We so enjoyed our meal there!

We turned in shortly after returning to our rooms and thankfully the beds were wonderful. (Jean’s innkeeper’s motto is ‘don't dread the beds!’)The following morning she delivered fresh coffee and then breakfast to the patio table between our 2 rooms, so we could just stumble out of bed, sit outside and enjoy the morning air. Ahhh, just what the doctor ordered! My spirits were definitely picking up.

It turns out that Jean is a beautiful weaver and she shared with me some of her pieces. In our conversation she opened up a whole new side of Baja for me – the art community. J She knows so many local artists and has connections to shows in Baja. I was even invited to participate. I am saved! I am sure that we delayed breakfast by quite a bit; we were so engrossed in art talk.

About 3 weeks earlier we happened to meet a woman in Vizcaino while standing line at the bank. She told us she lived in Bahia Asuncion, but what we didn’t know is that she’s a good friend of Jean and Ed’s, so Beth joined us for breakfast on the patio. (Jean had told her we were coming.)

Beth is also an artist. She makes beautiful jewelry from fossilized shells and shark’s teeth. We visited her house/studio after leaving Jean and Ed’s and spent a wonderful day getting to know her and seeing her creations. She lives out on the point and listening to the waves crashing and the seal rookery there was a totally different experience than our more tranquil bay front property.

Driving home I felt reborn. 2 whole days with conversation that did not revolve solely around surf – heaven! I felt alive again. There is hope for me here yet! Robert suggested that anytime I feel the need I should just jet up the road and get a dose of artistic conversation.

I guess it’s all about your passion~

For more information on Bahia Asuncion check out the town’s web site. Also listed is Jean and Ed’s B&B, along with Loncheria Mari. http://www.bahiaasuncion.org/index.html

For more information on Jean’s 10 day trips to Oaxaca (which we will be taking in Feb 2012!) email her at: jeanbcs@hotmail.com

Sunset Adventure

2011-09-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

It looked like it was going to be another beautiful sunset and having just experienced driving on the sand a few days earlier, Robert suggested we head to the beach north of town to enjoy the show. We had heard that a pilot whale had washed ashore several miles up so we thought we’d go look for that also.

An adventure! Our trusty 4 wheel drive Toyota pickup has always been miraculous when it comes to reliability and it is the perfect Baja vehicle for such outings. So we headed across town just a bit before la puesta del sol.

I’m still new to the off road scene, and truthfully I still get a little squeamish. For some reason I would rather be outside the vehicle watching some (to my mind) questionable maneuver than inside. Crazy, I know, but I do. So I got out of the truck at the beach ‘to check the softness of the sand’. It felt pretty dicey to me, but we already know I can be a chicken.

So Robert took off across the beach and then stopped to let me back in the truck. That’s when the vehicle started to sink. Try as he might it just kept digging deeper and deeper. Luckily we had brought a big shovel and since we were in 4 wheel drive we knew that it was going to come out eventually. Something told me I should check the hubs to be sure it really was in 4 wheel, and I did, but I only checked one hub…..

The sun was rapidly approaching the horizon, and we were buried up to the rear axle, so as Robert furiously kept digging I began collecting rocks and shrubs to put under the tires, anything to get a surface to grip. There was no one else in sight, and we both silently thought it’d be really great if we had help. And we kept digging.

At this rate we knew we’d be there until at least an hour or 2 after dark. I wasn’t too worried about the tide catching us, just the darkness. And I questioned myself, ‘Why do I feel fear? After all, it’s nothing more than adventure, a change of plans, something new to experience!’ With breath I let go of the old conditioning that said unplanned things must be feared, and began to enjoy finding the perfect rocks for the extraction.

About 5 minutes later, over the sand dune leading to the beach, a big blue truck filled with Mexicans pulled up, 2 in the cab, 4 in the back. They must have come to watch the sunset too, we thought. The 4 in back jumped out and ran to the water; the 2 in front offered assistance. Luckily we had a tow strap and were able to hook onto their vehicle and lickity split we were out! How grateful we were!

One guy knew a little bit of English and was having a wonderful time speaking it. We profusely offered all our Spanish thanks and they all piled back into the truck to head home. Seems they must have seen us from town and drove over just to help us out!

Then Robert noticed that one of the hubs – the one I had not checked – had slipped out of 4 wheel drive. No wonder we weren’t able to drive across the beach! He began to question how that had happened – in Spanish – and with great flourish, our multi lingual benefactor placed his hand on my shoulder, and solemnly said, in perfect English, “Shit happens.”

A huge grin broke out across his face and we all started laughing. Moments later we too drove off, thankful for the kindness of strangers and appreciative of the adventure we had just created.

Patterns

2011-09-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

Patterns, repeated lines and shapes that create graceful harmony, large and small.

The lines of sand sculpted by the wind. Waves gliding across the surface of the bay making their way to shore, graceful curving arcs, culminating in froth of a white water, over and over again. The lines of birds in flight, the radiating petals of a flower, the way whiskers sprout from the mussel of a pet. All patterns.

We’re used to the ones that are obvious, stripes, paisley, polka dots, but what about the ones that appear subtly, quietly, lusciously? We live in a universe of patterns as a way to remind ourselves of numerous different things.

Music has patterns: verse, stanza, verse, etc. It’s comfortable and makes it easy to participate should we so choose. (Ever notice how uncomfortable you might feel hearing music of a genre that does not follow recognizable patterns, like progressive jazz or traditional Asian?) Literature follows patterns; I am sure cinema does too. We like patterns because in repetition there is a known and there is a potential beauty in their respective forms.

We learn by patterns, repetition, over and over. A baby learns to speak by hearing the sounds again and again, to walk, to love or to hate. That which we perpetuate becomes a pattern, and we become comfortable with it because we know it. The Universe allows us to choose what we want to create. There is no right or wrong in the eyes of the Infinite, just choices. That’s why if you want to create pain and suffering, it is allowed.

But maybe your choice is different. Maybe that isn’t what you really want. Then take a moment to stop and look at what patterns are being reflected in your life. Are they telling you something different than what you say you want?

The beauty of this place is that because I am more isolated if you will, more connected to the earth, I find I am delving deeper into me, seeing patterns of behavior that I have picked up throughout my life that do not serve me and certainly do not express Jill at all! Yet somewhere along the line I have accepted these behaviors as mine and have lived by these choices as if that was all I had. As I look, barriers and brick walls come tumbling down and I find all emotions come to the surface to be seen and felt. And in the end, it is all my choice. It’s up to me what I choose to proliferate, how to live and how to love. I choose unconditional love, unconditional expression, unconditional life.

Shocking? At first it sure feels so. At times I feel myself going into ‘confusion’ to distract myself from whatever layer is being called to the surface to be seen. I feel the discomfort that arises with each new realization thereof, but I do not choose distractions, so I keep going in. I choose clarity, vibrancy, expression and love, pure love.

I dive I into truth telling, not for the first time and it certainly won’t be the last, but to me patterns, however they show up, offer the incredible beauty of opening further! I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to appreciate each one and to release it, becoming better for the experience of having remembered Who I Am.

Wind patterns, the layers of the cliff bluffs, water as it recedes from the beach causing the sand to gather in lines of grey from soft dove to charcoal. Morning cloud formations. The veining on the wings of the dragonflies that are in such abundance here. All so very precious, so close to my heart and soul. Expressions of what lies Within.

all photographs taken and copyrighted by author, Jill Mollenhauer 2007

Tids and Bits

2011-08-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things show up that just make you chuckle, surprise you or that you shake your head in amazement, as in, “How in the world???” Here are some musings on that kind of thing here in Punta Abreojos, or Mexico, as I have experienced it so far:

~Did you know that here the twisty ties on things like bread are all twisted the opposite way from those in the US? Sorta explains the hot/cold faucet handles being ‘backwards’ too!

~Punta Abreojos is a wonderfully progressive town of about 1600 people. We have a couple of ‘larger’ markets (and that is a very relative word…), a social or hall where most celebrations are held, and a coffee house on the water. It serves the fisherman who launch their pangas each day from the beach out front. You can even get a cappuccino if you want; it comes from a vending style machine, but you can get one!

They have ice cream too, and it’s pretty tasty. Being a former employee of Baskin Robbins (when I was 16) I can assert that their scooping technique leaves much to be desired, but usually there are about 5-6 flavor choices and it has become our Saturday treat. And I know some tricks to getting my scoop securely onto the cone – I will not lose it!

However, I am sidetracking. I was speaking of how progressive our town is. Our malecon (ocean-front street) is paved, lighted, has benches with a children’s play area and both sides of the street have sidewalks. In fact we have sidewalks on many of the town streets, well 2 of them anyway…. But the most progressive part of it all is that each corner, paved or not, had a handicap ramp that is clearly marked with the proper blue insignia. Some city/town planner worked very diligently to be sure that everyone would be able to mount the sidewalks, even if they are not yet installed.

Trouble is, once up the ramp, a hard right or left turn must be negotiated, as usually the sidewalk ends abruptly on one side.

And if that’s possible, the continuing sidewalk is extremely narrow - about 2 feet wide.

And if you happen to have a wheelchair that narrow shortly you must maneuver around the planter boxes dug out of the sidewalk, leaving roughly 12” of walking or wheeling space.

And then, often the entry steps of a house will spill across the sidewalk completely blocking it. But we have handicap ramps on almost every corner!

~Latin America is well known to be a patriarchal society. Machismos is alive and well, but ask any of the expats, ’Who runs the town?’ and you will get the same answer -the women! No bars are allowed in town. I heard that once there was one, but the women decided that it was not healthy and it was closed. (I also heard the same about a whore house.) I asked one of the local ladies, a business woman who runs a motel /restaurant, about this and Chelo replied,” If things are going to change here, it will be because of the women. If you want something done give it to a woman! A man will either drink it, smoke it or *#@% it.” Hmmmmm….

On that note, the only bar remotely close to town happens to be behind our house, up the hill about 500 yards. It serves only beer and tequila, and is limited to Fri, Sat and Sun nights from dark until about 1 or 2 a.m. A couple of hours before opening the owner, Ilberto, fires up the generator and the cars slowly make their way the 2 miles or so from town to La Beliza, cruising the water’s edge as they come. The bar has no name but there is a big Corona sign painted on the side of the building. And to make it even more interesting, it is a karaoke bar! We are very grateful that it is behind us so that the wind carries most of the noise away from our house. Some nights the howling voices are pretty – well, let us say interesting… Sadly our neighbors Ed, Mona and Jerry hear it all. I’ve never heard any recognizable song, but then maybe it’s probably all in Spanish…

~A wonderful thing about the Mexican people is that they celebrate what is now. They don’t put off what can be enjoyed. Life is to be lived! If a birthday falls on Wed, then by goodness the party will be on Wed! And if it’s beautiful then it’ll begin in the afternoon and last until the wee hours of the morning! Heck, about a month ago there was a wedding at noon on Friday. After all, why wait?

With all the quirks and surprises, I love this place! I am never bored and its beauty is a source of constant amazement to me. I am ever so glad that I can share it with you!

Why Have I Waited?

2011-08-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

What in the world took me so long to do this?!

I am standing by the water’s edge, looking out across the bay at the raw beauty that is Baja, my home for the time being. The sun is shining on the water, deep blue and turquoise; the breeze is still pleasantly light and each day I discover something new. (Yesterday it was badgers borrowing into the beach sand to stay cool, and the day before that, scorpions!)There is such abundance, such earth connectedness. I am drawn in by some unseen force that beckons me deeper and deeper still.

I ask myself why I waited so long to leave my hometown and I know there are many answers, layers deep. I am willing to look at all the reasons. Much of it comes down to fear of the unknown, but really, isn’t life full of unknowns? So often we think that if we put ourselves into a routine we’ll have control, but we know that isn’t really true. How many times has that been disproved by surprises? The old saying, ‘At least I know what I’ve got’ is a very limiting point of view!

A teacher I once knew shared, “If you find yourself saying, ’I should this and I should that’, you’re just shoulding all over yourself!” While another deeply respected teacher and friend advises, ‘I can and I will!’ So here I am, enjoying the beauty of nature all around me, free of schedules and traffic, should-do’s and obligations.

That is not to say that I am not creating. Heavens no! Each day I continue to create a bit of paradise right here in each thing I do. Yes, I am currently painting the exterior doors of the casita, not my most pleasurable task, but I sure like the results. (3 aqua, 1 deep turquoise. Can’t wait to get the house paint down here and the walls done!) And I still have chores that I prefer to get accomplished, like sweeping and house cleaning, but then I go off to my studio next door and spend hours lost in canvas, paint and paper. And there’s beach walks, swimming (the water is about 73 degrees now), trips into town, books to read, and well, the days just pass by so quickly…….

But I think one of the most beautiful lessons that I am learning here is I can. If I can dream it, I can do it. I can go anywhere; I am not limited by anything other than my own beliefs. Letting go of the need to please others, to ‘fit in’, to be someone/something that I am not has given me a freedom I never fully appreciated until now. When I deeply explore it, so much of how I have lived my life has been predicated on the belief that I had to behave a certain way in order to be loved. But when I look even deeper, I find that I am love, so I need not look for it any place else.

And thus I am free in Unconditional Love.

Sigh……

xxoo

Sand, multi media on canvas, 24" x 48"

for more information www.jillmollenhauer.com

Angels on my Doorstep

2011-08-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing how sometimes we don’t see something that is right under our very own nose! We expect things to be a certain way and thus, that is exactly how we look for it, never attuned to the possibility that it might appear differently…..

Living in San Diego my garden was so filled with birds, blue jays, mockingbirds, black phoebes, goldfinch, doves, hawks, sparrows, and some little brown birds that I always called my ‘angel birds’ because they always brought an extra smile to my face. (But truthfully they all felt like angels to me.) Their songs delighted me and I took great pleasure in watching them bathing, feeding, catching insects, even squabbling, I loved it all and I decided that I certainly wanted to continue the tradition here in Punta Abreojos.

Just before leaving, I googled ‘Birds of Baja’ and found several I figured I could entice into my garden here (such as it is). On previous visits I’d seen very few song birds, but figured that with quail, doves, hummingbirds and (supposedly) phoebes, I certainly could make a go of it!

I researched the proper bird seed mix for the area (Desert Blend) and exactly how to feed them (no raised dishes, directly on the ground, only 1 day’s food at a time so no varmints or mold get it.) Then I called my favorite bird store in S.D. to see about Desert Blend, however they didn’t carry it and time had run out for an internet order, so I departed with only a small amount of left over Patio Mix seed carefully stored in a container for future use. Upon arrival I began watching for their presence and patterns hoping to find the best way to invite them over.

For the 1^st month I watched and waited. The coo of a dove made me run outside to find out where it was and where to place some seed. Always their paths were behind the house and up the hill. I noticed that my neighbor Ed occasionally has quail and other small birds come through his garden. I found myself becoming envious and I began to resign myself to the possibility that all the birds would stay behind the house, in the open areas where they had more space and cover.

On the2nd day here while crossing the driveway, a pelican, none too gracefully, plopped itself not 10 feet in front of me. His crash landing made me think for a moment that perhaps he was injured. I had never been so close to one. They are very large! We stared at each other for a good 5 minutes until I had to continue my task and with that he flew away as pretty as you please. Hmmmm…..

I am not exactly sure when it dawned on me; I am pretty sure that it was the day I hit my head on the kayak. Three times that day an osprey appeared close to me, twice sitting on a roadside post while I was on my walk and once it flew not 2 feet off the patio, dropping a gift directly in front of me. Hello! What am I doing?! Here I am looking for birds, my angels, to come in a certain form, when duh! Open your eyes Jill!

When we arrived there were 3000 terns out front on the beach, day after day, diving, fishing, teaching their young to fly. For weeks they gathered here and we marveled at their numbers, and then enjoyed the quiet when they finally spread to some other beaches too.

After that the pelicans began arriving by the hundreds to fish the evening bait balls in the surf out front. Hours were spent watching them gracefully skim the water’s surface, catch an updraft, turn suddenly and crash into the water, repeating the whole thing over and over again. And now brown gulls have begun to intermix with the pelicans. Lots of them.

I had been looking for my birds, my angels, to appear as I expected it, as song birds, and all along they have been here in abundance! I just wasn’t seeing it….I don’t have to do anything to attract my angels, no seed, no water, nothing! They have been here all around me, just waiting to be recognized.

So often, in love, work or play, we want it our way, just so, never opening to the possibility that we can receive in a myriad of unique and different ways! Why do we limit what we will receive? And yet, such is often the case; I see how I had done just that. Now I am so much more pleased with everything around me. I stopped limiting my abundance.

You’d think I’d remember this lesson because the irony of it all is that the tag line for my garden sculpture business is “Why Garden Angels? …because angels come in unexpected forms.”

Sunrise

2011-08-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

I choose to live an extraordinary life. One filled with wonder, awe and beauty. I choose to face all that is presented with bravery, standing in the knowledge that I am always supported in my choices. If I step forth and claim all that is mine, all that is me, I stand firmly and squarely in the depths of my own self. I create with joy and ease, delighting in the ever present inspiration all around me.

What wonders await me today?

I am strong. I am beautiful. And I am creative.

And so are you….

Sunrise (Baja Landscapes #2)
artist and copyright: Jill Mollenhauer

Morning Kayak

2011-07-28T20:09:00.000-07:00

The day had begun so beautifully. Who would have thought that just shortly thereafter I’d be standing knee deep in water, holding my head with blood running down the side of my face?

Up before dawn we had launched the tandem kayak off the beach in front of the house. With small waves and not a breath of wind, we were looking forward to a glorious sunrise over the water and maybe even catching up to the dolphins we had just spotted off shore. Swiftly paddling away from the beach we turned right to follow the shoreline and the dolphins. Up ahead a huge bait ball attracted hundreds of birds. Pelicans, gulls and terns were excitedly dive-bombing for breakfast and all around small fish could be seen jumping out of the water trying to escape the water predators. We glided along soaking up the experience, enjoying the rising sun and the play of light on water. Such exquisite colors!

I was amazed how easily the paddle out to the point was. There was a time, not long ago when that distance was a bit of a strain for me. And even though this was our first outing in over a year I found the workout easy. When we turned around to head back the photo ops were just too good to pass up. (Luckily I had purchased a waterproof camera last year!) ‘What a great way to start the day!’ I thought. A little bit of a workout and fun to boot. This is a definite must-do –more-often!

Now I admit that throughout my life I have never been much of a water person, but I have made a conscious effort to change that in the last few years. I mean why bring old baggage from lifetimes ago along for the ride? And after all Robert is a master in the water, having spent 8 tender years growing up in Hawaii, learning how to surf and all that that lifestyle brings with it. He can read the ocean like no one I have ever met, its tides, currents and dispositions. However sometimes he can’t read his wife as well….

Or maybe I should say that often when one is accomplished at something, one begins to forget that others may not be as attuned. As we headed for the beach I reminded him, several times, that if he put us in the waves I would be very unhappy. ‘Are we having a trust issue here, Jill?’ he questioned. No, just stating a comfort level for me and that he’d be wise to pay attention to what I was saying, unless he wanted to see me really unhappy. He reassured me that he’d never do anything to hurt me, (I know that!) and that I needed to have some faith in his knowledge of waves. (I do! But I don’t possess that!)

He skirted the breakers on the reef (a little too close for my total comfort, but ‘show some gumption here,’ I told myself) and pointed the nose towards the beach. ‘Ok, we’re going to ride the wild surf and catch a wave in!’ He began to sing Ride the Wild Surf, by some 60’s beach group. And truthfully, the waves were maybe about knee high, so the song seemed rather silly but caught in my head as I began to paddle along to catch a ‘wild ‘ wave. But then something went wrong. Not terribly, just enough to send us broadside and tumble over.

Now according to me, sitting in the bow of the craft, the kayak dumped me in to the water – all 2 feet of it. As I came up the kayak hit me in the head, and of course not the plastic body of it. No the little metal cleat that you clip the seats onto. Bang! I grabbed my head and glared at Robert, a death glare I am sure. He spouted,’ If you wouldn’t be so afraid of getting your head under water this wouldn’t have happened!’ My reply was swift and quite terse. Then I released my head and looked at my hand. The blood covering it said that there was a lot more on my head. I turned my palm to show him the results and instantly he was silenced. I noticed the kayak was starting to float away.

My anger subsided quickly; I knew I wasn’t hurt badly because heads always bleed a lot. He was immediately remorseful and went into overdrive to get me inside and attended to. I just hoped that no stiches were required as I did not relish the thought of a visit to the local clinic, but resigned myself to facing that possibility if necessary. After heating some water and washing my hair his verdict was that no trip was needed. He had to cut out a hunk of hair to clean the wound and I am sure that Debra, my hairdresser, will be wondering what on earth happened when I return to SD for my next haircut.

Now in the interest of equality I have to say that Robert saw the whole thing differently. He says that when kayak began to turn broadside I bailed out and in my instinct to not submerge my head I popped out of the water as the kayak bashed into me. (‘All surfers know that when you fall off your board, you don’t come right up because you could get hit in the head by the board!’ Oh….. I’m not a surfer.)

So it is highly possible that one or both of these points of view occurred, or another completely. Maybe we each co-created this to show ourselves something. I’m willing to look at that. And by now we’ve talked it through and discussed what should be done differently next time. (Lean into the wave as you get broadsided, he says.)

Robert has been the picture of attentiveness. I know he feels pretty bad. I thought I could milk it for an ice cream cone when we went to town for groceries, but then, I’ll live to kayak another day. And it didn’t feel very truthful….

The Glow

2011-07-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

There’s something here. I don’t know exactly how to explain it. It’s not something that has coalesced into my mind yet, but I know it. I can feel it. It’s in the Earth and it has a rhythm, a heartbeat. I guess this is what attracts those who come here so often to surf, fish, ride buggies, or just explore. They are aficionados who return again and again craving this heartbeat, though it seems to be veiled with a mask of ‘doing something’. I felt it the 1^st day here as we walked along the beach from our house. It was late afternoon and we strolled across the hard packed sand at the water’s edge delighting in the cool breeze and free movement after being car-confined for 2 days. We wandered about a mile or so down the beach and when we circled around to return I felt it. I saw it.

Right there, ahead of me, as I looked across the crescent beach back at La Beliza – the area where we’ve built. The land glowed. It pulsed; it radiated and an inner light shone through that was dazzling. I had not been here but 2 hours and I already had seen my 1^st painting. Sandwiched between ocean and sky, blues and greens like jewels, I saw this glowing orange heart in the strip of land. Fascinating…..

And this is what I have been attempting to capture on canvas. It has proved exhilarating and elusive. How to perfectly represent this beauty? It leaves me in awe. It is so much larger than life, so much deeper than what I have experienced here before and it seems that perhaps a whole new series will emerge from this – Baja Landscapes. My aim is to capture this feeling, this primal depth that revealed itself to me that day on the beach.

I walk often, sit and quietly breathe a lot, listening for any other secrets it cares to reveal. That fleeting glimpse into another dimension revealed something extraordinary, something elusive, something many return again and again to experience. Perhaps they know of what I speak? Or maybe not in words so much as desire, desire to be swallowed up whole once again by this Glow.

La Quincinera

2011-07-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

“Ah, su vistido es muy linda,” I cooed with big eyes to the young woman in the midst of a gaggle of girls. Clearly she was quite proud of her turquoise, white and back zebra striped gown. She blushed, thanked me and then stepped aside to reveal another even more ornately decked out young lady all in white. Her gown had a sleeveless bustier, with a skirt so ruffled it floated out about her at least 3 feet in all directions. (I never did see her feet!) Her hair was beautifully coifed in an up-do with sparkly embellishments. When I made more gestures of appreciation she beamed a 24 karat smile, blushing demurely, yet clearly aware of her beauty and presence. This was a double quincinera!

When we had been invited a few days ago, we hesitated only because we know very few people in town and didn’t know if the invitation from our neighbors counted. Both Robert and I really wanted to experience some of the authentic culture, yet, we certainly did not wish to step upon any toes. Locals assured us, through Marianne and Tom, that yes, it was an open invitation to the community, and aren’t we now part of the community? So that is how we made our way to the town social building at 9:00 p.m. and joined the slow trickle of incoming guests.

The social is a large cement building that reverberates sound like no tomorrow, sports a massive dance floor (tile, of course) and a hefty stage to boot. Tables and chairs seating about 300 had been set up all around the floor. The turquoise and white color scheme was carried throughout the event from table cloths, centerpieces and column decorations, to the paper lanterns floating from the ceiling over the dance floor. The tall centerpieces were topped with sparkly turquoise sprays and could have been imagined at any wedding in the states, except for a noticeable difference. The base was cradling a bottle of tequila. And next to that was an ice bucket, a shaker of salt, some cups and a big bottle of Sprite. Do it yourself bartending. Gotta love it.

A quincinera is quite a big event for a young girl. It marks the time she leaves her childhood behind (age 15) and becomes a young woman. Ostensibly, it is a chance for her father to announce that she is now of marriage-able age. The cost of a quincinera is roughly equal to that of a wedding. The dresses certainly rivaled a wedding gown in grandeur, and feeding 300 people a sit down dinner, along with all that tequila and the 10 piece band clearly said that this was no ordinary party.

It is customary for the crowd to stay seated until the grand entrance of the quincinera. She makes her way up the center of the room on the arm of a brother, cousin or uncle to be presented to the crowd. And after many speeches attesting to her growth and loveliness, a series of dances begin. Father gets the 1^st dance, then brothers, grandfathers and uncles. It seemed to be an endless succession. More speeches, and for this one anyway, one of the quincineras slipped away, removed her ruffles and reentered wearing hip hop clothes worthy of So You Think You Can Dance. She proceeded to do a choreographed routine that was quite impressive. I imagine she had been practicing for years for this moment.

I watched younger girls, still several years away from their coming-of-age, look longingly at the 2 princesses. They envied the attention and obviously looked forward to their own celebrations, though their just budding figures said there was still time to wait, no matter how they tried to speed it up with high heels and party dresses.

Finally, the dance floor was open to everyone. In a town of 1400 people, in what to us might seem like ‘in the middle of nowhere’, you can’t imagine how many really good dancers there were! Truthfully, I was intimidated, and believe me, I don’t intimidate easily when it comes to dancing. Admittedly, the music was ranchera, and the movements different than we’d seen, but the beat was clearly recognizable and easy to follow. We enjoyed watching the couples move gracefully across the floor with an ease that was enviable. When Robert and I joined them the lead singer ended her cancione with a “Ha!’ in our direction, catching my eye and sporting a big smile. We stayed on the floor for a number of dances, but I learned so much from just watching!

Latinas have a wonderful attitude that I admire. No matter her girth, she will don her tight dress and stilettos and walk proudly through the room, strutting her stuff, with the knowledge that she is hot. Period. And when she dances she moves in tandem with her partner allowing him to lead her, showing both her willingness to be dominated and her strength at the same time.

The men moved with equal cat-like grace. No awkward gyrating bodies, only smooth flowing couples gliding across the floor. The machismo shone through most noticeably in the younger crowd. The man would guide his partner solely with one hand placed on the small of her back, the other to dangle at his side in a show of nonchalance. And still they moved smartly and in unison.

There are 2 traditional ceremonies to a quincinera. Similar to the garter-throwing at a wedding, the celebrated now-young-woman throws a doll to a gathering of little girls. It takes place early in the festivities and marks her transition into adulthood and the giving up of toys. The other is ‘the changing of the shoes’, quite later in the evening. (All this time the quincineras had been wearing tennis shoes, though under all those ruffles and I had never even seen them!) At one point the proud papa takes them off her feet and replaces them with high heels and they dance. There is also a cake to rival any wedding, but when we left at 1:00 a.m. the party wasn’t even close to that yet. Things had just started to heat up.

As we headed for the door I noticed that ours was the only table with an empty tequila bottle. The others had barely been touched, although there were many empty beer cans. (I guess Gloria’s, the store across the street did a bang up business last night!) Many people were gathered outside getting some fresh air and preparing for the next round of dancing. The festivities, we were told, would last until dawn. We however, were ready to call it a night. As we walked to our car the darkness and sudden silence engulfed us. We carefully negotiated the dirt roads home, removed our party clothes and gratefully climbed into bed, happy for the experience and just a little more connected to our new home.

Morning Rituals

2011-07-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

The sun is just moments away from cresting the horizon. Its sky is clear, blue and orange, the water a deep silvery cobalt. Turning my head I look the other direction to see the full, luscious moon descending, a bright creamy lantern in a pale purple sky. Mornings always start with a walk down the road about ½ mile, Robert, Rowdy and me. But this a.m. Robert is out fishing for halibut in the surf out in front of the house. I can see him wading out from my vantage point up on the road. A pod of about 10 dolphins is making their way toward him, following the coastline and Rowdy is crisscrossing back and forth in front of me in happy abandon. (He sleeps on our doorstep so as not to miss this morning ritual.) He sees a coyote crossing the road and takes off in pursuit. “Go coyote, go!” I think. I don’t want Rowdy to catch him, even though he is the bigger of the two. I’d rather it be a good run with each eventually going his own way, tired and unscathed.

This is how each day usually begins here, with a walk down the dirt road on the way out, 2 bags in hand; one for picking up any trash might have been brought in with the tide or night time partyers, and one for possible treasures on the beach on the return trip. I wish the trash bag was not so full, but unfortunately it often is, especially on weekend nights. The kids park along the water’s edge, drink beer and do what kids do. Heck I did it too, but I don’t think I tossed my trash out the window. Just a different way of seeing things here, sadly. And though I do see the consciousness changing, the wheels seem to grind a little slowly, that’s all. One day….

La Beliza sits about a mile or two about out of the town proper, and we’re all off the grid. We have no electricity or running water services. You must be self-sufficient. So everyone has solar systems and water tanks (called tenacos) to fill. You drive into the town desalinization plant and fill a tenaco on a trailer, then pump it to another one once back. It may seem a bit extreme, but surprisingly, it becomes routine quite quickly. And if that is the price for this view, it’s alright by me. Hey, I have a refrigerator now, no more ice chest! I am living up town! (And an oven!) That’s more than I can say for many living in town where there is electricity and they deliver the water to you.

It’s mostly ex-pats here – ‘tourist hill’ I think they call it in town. It’s dotted with a conglomeration of houses and trailers and palapas, in all varying combinations. Most of these places are only used a small part of the year; some haven’t seen an occupant for quite some time and a few seem downright distasteful to me. At the moment our neighbor Ed and ourselves are the only permanent residents. He’s been here 6-7 years now full time. We are 2 week long-termers. I am just beginning to get a feel for the people. They come and go and it seems like I am always hearing a story about someone. Word travels fast around here and nothing is a secret. It’ll be interesting to experience small town-ness after my whole life in San Diego.

By now the sun is up and the day is warming quickly. Time to sweep the patio, a never ending task repeated often during the day. The wind is a part of life here. (Hay much viento hoy!) And the dust - or polvo, as it is called - is another blog all unto itself. There's trash to burn and a house to tidy.

On to the chores.....

Buddies

2011-07-12T09:02:00.000-07:00

Every afternoon like clockwork he stops by and asks me if I’d like to go tide pooling with him. ‘You wanna go doncha? Doncha? It’d be real fun!’ His big brown eyes stare up at me; his tail wags side to side and he practically smiles. How can I resist? ‘Ok Rowdy, let’s head down to the beach.’

Rowdy is my neighbor Ed’s dog. A Mexi-mutt that is smart as a whip, sweet as molasses and a terror to all the local coyotes. He just loves to have company and attention. Compared to most dogs Rowdy has the idyllic life. Pets in Mexico are treated decidedly different than in the States. Most animals do not receive the care or attention like ours. To us they are part of the family. Not so here. It isn’t unusual to see sadly forgotten animals wandering around. However this is certainly not the case with Rowdy. He is an outdoor dog, but he has a bed – 2 in fact, regular meals provided for him and lots of company. As with practically all dogs here he gets to roam wherever he pleases, and his favorite place is the tide pools. He rushes right past the birds resting on the shoreline, couldn’t care a whit for the flock surrounding the pools. He goes straight for the fish. I’ve watched him stare into a pool waiting to see if any have been caught by the receding tide. Carefully he’ll circle the water until he deems it just the right time to launch himself off the edge and land with a big splash. ‘Yep, that’s certainly the way to sneak up on them boy. Very stealthy!’ Sometimes he wades in chest deep and chases them from side to side. Oh he is so happy! This will go on for as long as I am there with him. When I return he reluctantly follows. Ed says that when the water is warm he’ll dive below the surface to catch them and another neighbor attests to his success!

The exposed reef is a conglomerate of billions of rocks and shells ‘glued’ together with what seems like hardened mud. It is very textured and rough and the waves have sculpted it into otherworldly shapes that rise out of the sand, as if oozing from some primordial mass long ago. There are gazillions of tide pools filled with an overwhelming number of sea annenomies and small snails the size of my thumbnail, but I’ve yet to see a starfish. Maybe it’s just too rocky. There are bright orange growths, sponges I think, that cling to the undersides of rocky ledges, beautiful magenta seaweed and bright green sea lettuce. When the waves are big the beach is strewn with pink and green plants. It is quite colorful.

The cooperativa de pescadores (fish co-op) in town controls the waters here and they are very serious about keeping the abalone and lobster population healthy and intact. (It is illegal for anyone to dive here, unless you belong to the co-op.) Members regularly patrol the area keeping a close eye on all happenings, meeting any campers and picking up lobster traps that may have washed ashore. Abreojos is part of a national biosphere in Baja, and because of this they are ahead of much of the country when it comes to eco-awareness. They are even beginning a recycling program, pushed forward by a local women’s group, MEAPA (Mujeres en Acion Punta Abreojos- Women in Action Punta Abreojos). The women have formed this group to insist on social change. Events like sponsoring local clean ups with the school children, or bringing down life guards from the States to educate the community in water safety are just a couple of examples of their fine work. Each member has pledged to keep a certain area clean, or has taken on some special project to assist the area in its progress forward. It’s wonderful to see a change in consciousness in regard to conserving the pristine beauty of this area.

Just across the bay, Bahia de las Ballenas (Bay of the Whales), I can see the entrance to Laguna San Ignacio, where grey whales come to calf each year. It is marked by a massive sand dune called Big Sandy. Some days the dune is surrounded by ever changing mirages that morph from huge white cliffs to multi story high rises. The Lagoon is also a part of the Biosphere and they are even more progressive in their eco-awareness. Tourists flock there to pet the whales (yes, pet the whales) and the influx of money is a wonderful incentive to keep it clean and intact. Nothing can compare to touching a full grown grey whale, looking it in the eye and then petting its baby. Whale watching boats just don’t cut it after that.

The other morning at dawn we watched a pod of at least 50 dolphins feed and play just outside our front door. The boiling water signaled a school of fish that must have been their breakfast. A few leapt out of the water delighting us with their play. Occasionally in the winter and spring a whale is spotted headed to or from the Lagoon. Sometimes I find a sea lion watching me as I wander along the shoreline. They are famously curious.

And no matter where I am along the shore Rowdy is somewhere nearby, running in wild abandon, covering 10 times as much ground as me. He is just so happy to be sharing his favorite place. Who can blame him? Abreojos is pretty extraordinary.

The Unexpected and the Collected

2011-07-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

7-9-11

Seeing a lizard skittle across the rocks of a tide pool just seemed incongruent to me somehow. That a desert reptile should be sunning on the beach struck me as rather funny. But then, it’s like that here in Baja. So much appears that I would never have expected. Like the estero just a few miles away. It’s a salt water mangrove estuary where the fishing and clamming are great, oysters are farmed, dolphins are sited regularly and turtles abound. We went there this a.m. to turtle watch (for me) and fish a little (for Robert and Ed). I would never have expected to find mangroves here. Guess I always thought of them as a Florida kind of thing. But the cool breezes felt divine and we saw around 50-60 turtles, caught tonight’s dinner and generally just enjoyed the outing. Home by noon to lunch and then beach walk.

I admit it. I am a beachcombing junkie. I try not to look at the ground as I walk, really I do, but something irresistible draws me to inspect the earth for treasures that seem to have placed themselves there just for my enjoyment. I have finally stopped picking up every little shell that catches my eye. I am now discerning enough (or rather I have so many that I need to be discerning) and I only save the ‘perfect’ ones. But really, what makes it a ‘perfect one’? Even the little bits of abalone that are but broken pieces call to me for attention. My constant stopping and bending over to pick something up lengthens my walk a considerable amount, but I can’t help it. They call out to be touched, and I in turn want to adorn myself with each and every one. I want to create vast wall hangings – ones that span 40 feet and weave my treasures all together. It is as if they call to me to be noticed and I desire to share their beauty with everyone else. (‘See how precious this small cone is? Notice its delicate pattern, earthy brown on creamy white. Like a seismic spreadsheet drawn on a shell.’)

Inevitably I come home laden with this and that and I add them to my ever growing arrangement on the front patio. It certainly makes the daily sweeping much more time consuming, but I am cheered each time I look out the window and see these beautiful jewels. Ann Morrow Lindbergh wrote Gifts From the Sea and I remember reading it long ago. I must look into picking it up next trip to San Diego. I feel a kindred spirit there.

The tern colony has grown, if that is even possible! Never have I seen so many birds all in one place. For some reason I feel they are getting ready to depart. As the sun begins to set they rise from the water’s edge over and over again, alighting en mass only to hover about 25 feet off the water loudly calling their keerik keerik squawk, then descend to about 2 feet off the water’s surface and become completely silent. The sudden lack of noise is quite startling. Then they rise and begin the process all over again. What in the world are they doing? I imagine that they are training for some long migration where each must be aware of the group and how best to participate with the flock. Practice, practice, practice!

How I enjoy each day of discovery! The unexpected, the mundane, it all fills me with a sense of wonder and I find myself continually giving thanks for each footstep forward.

Dinner is Served

2011-07-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

Bang! Bang! Bang! That is the sound of Robert pounding the abalone for dinner. Oh my…… J

Yesterday, after a long day of unsuccessful work installing our new propane refrigerator we were blessed with the gift of fresh halibut fillets delivered to our door by our neighbor Marianne. What a god-send! Easy meal, just what we needed. (She and her husband Tom had spent the morning fishing off the beach in front of the house and caught a whopping 10!)
The day before that, Ed, our other neighbor, delivered 2 lovely lobster tails for a very tasty meal indeed! A bit of fresh limon and drawn butter. Can it get any better than that? I have my doubts.

That being said, tomorrow night I am going to see if I can whip up some lobster stuffed chile rellenos. Did I mention that we’ve been eating quite well down here?

Baja, Punta Abreojos , 7-7-11

2011-07-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

Terns. Roughly 3000 of them, maybe more, right in front of our house on the beach. They show up at dawn and depart at sunset. Exactly where they go I have no idea, but during the day they live on ‘our’ beach, doing what terns do, I guess, stand around, fish, and make lots of noise. Somehow I find their chatter delightful though. It is Nature at her finest calling out to be experienced. They cover the sand at the water’s edge and every so often they will rise in unison, shifting right then left in a solid mass of white, then gray as they change direction. It truly is awe inspiring. I have heard that they arrive every June and stay through July only to one day be gone, sort of ‘now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t’ sort of thing. They are just one of the things that continually amaze me since moving here just one week ago.

Having left San Diego after months of preparation and multiple shows/sales we were exhausted when we arrived on the 1^st of July. And while we’ve done much to get our little ‘casita’ in a much more habitable condition, this week has been mostly about healing. Healing tired bodies and fried minds.

4 Days and Counting

2011-06-24T05:57:00.000-07:00

There are big beautiful blank canvases stacked in the ‘to go’ pile, ready to be transported to Baja, awaiting the stroke of a brush, the kiss of a color across the surface. The joy of creating will be poured into each of them as new inspiration, new ideas flow forth in endless succession. I am patiently waiting to set up my easels, to lay out my tools of pure joy and to begin a new chapter in my life.

I can feel it already. It is filled with adventure and wonder, love and immense gratitude. Each sunrise heralds a new day of possibilities. Each sunset reveals a star-filled sky so bright and unspoiled that their sheer numbers cause shadows to be cast, even when no moon is present.

I can feel it. I can smell it. I can see it already.

Ok, back to packing….

10 Days and Counting

2011-06-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

The decision has been made, the house rented out. Boxes are piling in every corner awaiting their final destination - storage or Baja? We've had yard sales, plant sales, studio sales - whew!! Each night we fall into bed exhausted, each day up to resume the transition. We're into our final phase, going from working on the house to packing for the move, well, almost there anyway....

As an artist I am really excited to see what new inspirations call me to create while living in Baja! I've packed many fresh canvases and anything I think might even possibly be woven into some work of art.

As a long time devotee of meditation I am ecstatic to experience the changing energy of a new and much different country. I've traveled there, but not lived there. Wow, there is so much awaiting us!

But for now, the studio on San Diego still needs base boards, the armoir needs to be cleaned out for sale, customers are still making appointments to pick up purchased artwork, and more. So get the coffee going! I'm still in work mode!

Baja

2011-06-18T06:11:00.000-07:00

1-21-11

Baja

She is a woman, strong, silent, mysterious and filled with beauty. Her facets are many, like a diamond whose breathtaking brilliance has been forged deep within the bowls of the earth through tremendous force. If one were not willing to dig a little bit to search for her splendor, it could be overlooked.

She is not like the tropics, adorned with flowers, green and inviting. Her treasures are of a different nature. The woman who walks into a party dressed and made up is not her, for she would be the one simply clothed and scented by nature. Yet should you take her home, when she undresses and bares her true naked self she becomes a tigress. She wields passion like a sword, vocal and raw. If you dare to dance with her be prepared to be mesmerized by her depths, her movements and her song.

Her body is long and sinuous; her spine straight and strong. It harbors many secret spaces of devotion and magic and is ancient beyond measure. Her interior appears barren and without life, yet flora and fauna survive there that are found no where else on earth. Her lovers must be matched in their determination and devotion to discover her deeper layers.

She is surrounded on all sides save one by water- Earth’s most precious gift, and it teams with life. Her shores run the gamut from rocky inaccessible cliffs to inviting sandy beaches with everything in between. She celebrates life and throws death in your face at every turn lest you forget that death is a part of life, not it’s opposite.

I have accepted her invitation. I come to strip myself naked, to step forward and allow myself to radiate in my natural beauty and wealth. She and all her in habitants touch me deeply. Each time I leave her, the memory remains embedded in my soul and each time I return she welcomes me with open arms and challenges me to disrobe yet again.

She is a woman, proud, independent and beautiful. She is Baja.