Update - 11-19-11

The sky looks poised for rain, or maybe not. It can’t seem to decide. But with that indecision the most beautiful cloud formations are strewn across the sky, interspersed with patches of bright cerulean blue. The rising sun has tinged the edges of the massive gray patches with pink and silver and the wind is pushing it swiftly across the screen, just like a movie. Simply beautiful~

Nature and all her changes, colors, sounds and flavors have always deeply touched both Robert and I. I guess that is just one reason that we love our home in Baja so. Well, that and Robert is a bit taken with the surf…. ;-) Before too long we intend to return and soak it up yet again!

And that leads me into the update on Robert.

Yesterday he went in for a biopsy – we called it our ‘oscopy day’, as the procedure was labeled with many oscopies to be done. In early (6 a.m.!) and out by 9, he was pretty groggy from the general anesthesia. They took samples and I was told something was removed – though what, I don’t know yet. The instructions were to keep him quiet, relaxed, eating soft foods for a day or so and very limited vocal usage. Once the effects of the drugs began to wear off he was pretty chipper. He even commented that it was easier to swallow than before! Of course being a Friday, the results always wait until the following week, but I have a really good feeling about this.

We have numerous appointments scheduled next week – right before Thanksgiving – to prepare him for treatment, which we assume will commence right after the holiday. There are tubes to be inserted, masks to be made – the list goes on and on. But at least things are beginning to move…..

And speaking of moving, fingers crossed, we will be into the house we’re renting by Thanksgiving. For those of you who want an address, we’re receiving all our mail at the old Johnson Ave address (1275 Johnson Ave, SD 92103-2317) as it is just 3 doors down from this house, and easier that way. Our wonderful tenants, Cliff and Marie, forward our mail into our own mail slot in the garage. Our ‘new’ house itself sits directly on the east corner of Johnson and Maryland, red house with green trim. (Or is it the other way around?) We are looking forward to getting in this week after a good thorough cleaning and making it ‘our’ space for the time being. I know the owner, Dave, is doing all he can to get out as he has a job for 3-4- months up in Laguna Beach that he needs to get going on. We are very grateful for his assistance here!

And speaking of grateful, there is so much to say thank you for. We have received so many phone calls, messages on FB, so much love being sent over all. Thank you! Many of you have shared that you are assisting in the healing with energy work. Thank you! My brother, Mike, has been working with the both of us diligently. Thank you! For all the care, the love, the dinners, the offers of assistance: Thank you! If I knew another word that could sum it up succinctly, I would use it, for our gratitude is flowing in unending measure.

With love, all things are possible. And there is a whole lotta love here! So I invite you to join me as I begin each day breathing in love through my heart and then letting the exhale spread that sweet warm love throughout my whole body, loving myself as I go. It is a natural response that it will flow out into the world for all to feel and share. This is how healing happens.

In case things get hectic and I don’t have a moment to tell you before the holiday, Happy Thanksgiving! I treasure each and every one of you.

Xxoo~

Ps, if you didn’t get a chance to see Robert’s video on FB, log onto his page, or mine and take a look. He did good!      http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1001384259#!/profile.php?id=1644573565

In the Sweetness of Breath

In the sweetness of breath I find comfort and love. I can allow myself to release all the closely held emotions and just feel them – as a mother holds a crying child to her breast. With love and tenderness.

What are you trying to show me?

If I am still enough I can feel the answer…

Who am I in truth? Am I the watcher, or the watched? Am I the feelings, the happenings, the one to whom they happen?

I am it all.

I am the breath and the body into which it is drawn. I am the cells that feast upon each inhale and release each exhale. I am the essence of the feast itself.

I am the warmth that spreads across the body with each breath and settles down into the root – there to accumulate until it expands out and beyond me.

I am the rhythm, the vibration that creeps in, reflected as the heartbeat.

I am the rhythm that rushes in from ‘outside’ and joins this vibration, amplifying it until it has merged into one.

One voice, one song, one love.

I am it all.

Thank you~

It is Done

It’s magical – I can feel it!

Several messages came while asleep that told me so. There was a light earthquake at 12:33 a.m. and others that I cannot fully recall – only that I was continually at that ½ awake state; I was so excited to wake up and share this!

It is done. And I am getting continuous crackling all through the room in confirmation.

Thank you All for such beautiful assistance to grow, to thrive, to live!

I can let go completely and dive fully into love without hesitation.

Indeed this is my choice~

Love and Gratitude

It is simply stunning today. And I am deeply grateful for each breath I take, each molecule of sunshine that warms my skin.

 As unusual as it may seem, life, while having thrown us a curve ball, still holds the most precious love, perhaps even more so now. After a glorious storm and cleansing rain yesterday the sun is as vibrant as ever today. The light winds caress everything while the water sparkles and dances with expectancy.

Robert has gone out with some guy friends to watch the America’s Cup pre-trials on the bay. A more perfect day could not have been ordered for it. After a morning workout and then some much needed filing projects, we parted ways. This evening we’ll dine with friends who are just one of the many who are determined that they will assist Robert in ‘fattening up’ before treatment begins. I am doing a wonderful job of supporting him in this roll  :-/

As an update, while we have met all the team of doctors and had many tests done, there remain a few before treatment begins. We expect that to be in a week or so. It looks to be a combo of chemo and radiation done concurrently. He’s doing very well, and truly, if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t know that anything was out of balance. We’re remaining very upbeat and positive as healing is all in the attitude! So until it all begins we’re continuing to enjoy all that we have, our dear friends, our love, and our creativity. I mean heck, if you have to be ‘stuck’ some place this is about as good as it gets! J

Everyone has been so beautifully supportive, and we can’t say thank you enough to Karen and Ky, along with Mark and Wendy for allowing us to take refuge in their beautiful homes until the house we are renting becomes available – hopefully mid-week, this week. To my brother for his assistance with energy healing, to Weston for his continual love, support and guidance and all my dear sweet friends and family who check in with me and give me space, too.

Our deepest gratitude to each and every one of you who have been reaching out and touching our hearts with your love and support. We are thriving with all your sweet love!

As odd as it may seem, we both have agreed that this is one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to us. What a wakeup call! I know I am opening, letting go and deepening my connection to Source every day and for that I am eternally grateful.

So, I just wanted to catch you up on the happenings here. If all goes as expected we should be able to return to our beautiful beach house in Abreojos this spring. That is our goal. (Thanks Mona and Gerry and Ed for watching over it for us and watering!) One doctor said Robert would not be surfing for at least a year, but Robert has other designs. He has decided that he will beat that by 4 months. YEAH!

Our daily ritual is to breathe love into our hearts, and release it throughout our bodies in gratitude for all they do for us. Love and gratitude, that is how this healing is going to be made manifest.

Love and Gratitude.

I am sending just that you each of you. May you see the beauty that you are and may your heart accept it with gracious love.

Now that dear friends, will heal the world~

xxoo

Robert

I hurt. I hurt for me, for Robert, for everyone who ever has had to face this dreaded prognosis of cancer/chemo/radiation. It feels unreal and I see how easy it is to just hope that you’ll wake up and all of it will have been a bad dream. I hurt for all the times that I have not opened my heart to those in situations like this, or any time there is pain or sorrow. It pains me to think that I have steeled m heart so……

Tears come so frequently and so suddenly. Sometimes I forget to breathe, and then I have to remind myself to take deep long breaths and allow myself to feel it all. To let Love wash over me and through me, to forgive myself for anything or any time that I might have behaved in a way that was ultimately trying to protect myself from feeling…

This a.m. we met with the ear, nose and throat specialist to get the full lowdown on what’s happening. I say full, but it never is. It’s always just another step, another bout of terrifying news. So the overall diagnosis is stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma. There is a tumor on his tongue and at least one in his neck, in the lymph node. It will require both chemo and radiation, and we’re not sure if surgery is going to be done. There are a couple of options that will be discussed in more depth after Dr. Torchinsky (sorry I may have his name wrong, but it is a long one) presents the findings of another biopsy – to be performed this week- to the specialist board on this type of situation. In the meantime Dr. T has gathered his team- Dr. Christine Rice, oncologist and Dr. Damian Gordon, radiologist- and he is moving forward quickly as possible because of the lateness of this discovery.

The overall outlook seems to be that things will begin to get moving in a couple of weeks. They want to be absolutely sure of what they are dealing with. He said in all honestly it’ll be really rough. Robert will have to have a feeding tube in him for some time – even before the treatment, and he is concerned about his present weight. (You know Robert – always so slim and trim!) So we have to get weight on him a.s.a.p. What a change to go to the grocery store and instead of looking for low fat to do the opposite! Once radiation begins he will not be able to eat for a long time, as his throat will be closed up. I think the most difficult thing for Robert to hear, next to the feeding tube, which really hit hard, was that surfing will be off his radar for at least a year…

On the bright side, we have found a house just a ½ block from our Johnson Ave home, which is rented. That makes it very convenient for us both, as so many friends are close by. Thank you Dave Peterson!!

I know this all comes as a shock to you, believe me, I know! And truly, I am at a loss for words with it all, but so many of you have been asking and offering assistance. We are so deeply touched by the outpouring of love and support. Thank you all.

We both know that the one thing above all else that will help us to get through this is love, deep heartfelt love. So we both ask that you take moments throughout the day and just breathe in love. Fill your heart with sweet golden love. Love yourself. When you touch that beautiful place within it will automatically flow out to us, to everyone who ever has or ever will need it. Because in Truth, we are all connected. Even with all the procedures that lay ahead of us, we would like to treat it with love, and your assistance is so gratefully accepted.

I will continue to post updates on this blog. Feel free to pass it on to anyone who might wish to help or be helped.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for everything and for loving.

1000 Angels

My heart broke open, into 1000 pieces that lay scattered across the floor. I saw each one. And then there were 1000 angels, each one picking up a piece of my heart and putting it back together again. They handed it to me, all healed and even stronger than before for its expression. As I held it in my palm, the 1000 angels parted to reveal 10,000 more behind them waiting, in case they were needed too.

I cried even more.

Somewhere along the line in my lifetime(s) I believed the idea that was presented to me via a multitude of channels that I always needed to hold something back – just in case I needed it later. It might be love, a way to support myself, or how I chose to play. Always, I needed to keep some set aside because if I didn’t, it might run out. So without even knowing it I followed that advice and kept a little part of me separate, not fully expressing all the love that I am. And with that other expressions became bottled up. Certainly I had always believed that anger was not appropriate to express, and sadness had to be contained too, along with a host of others that I am sure I have not even begun to see yet. But the biggest, most painful part to see has been that I would not dive utterly, completely into love.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty loving person, so this realization came as a powerful shock to me. It has limited me in all my expressions, not the least of which has been with my beautiful partner in life, Robert. How could I not have been utterly truthful and open with the man who has been in my life for over 30 years?! Yet, I can see how I was holding something in reserve, just in case.

And, you know, inside I could tell that it affected the amount I would allow myself to receive too. As I searched deeper within to get to the core of it all, I can honestly say that I have never allowed myself to receive fully either. Because, in some interestingly twisted way, the thought was present that if I did accept it all, I’d have to give back that much too, and I might run out.

So I hid. I used disguises like ‘strong’ or ‘spiritual’ or ‘unnecessary’ to distract my attention from what was really going on. I bottled it up and kept a tight lid on it, because I did not want to see it.

But Spirit is so beautiful and patient in its teaching. It will repeat over and over that which we need to hear, until something happens to jolt us into awakening, because that’s why we’re here. Well, something has come up on my horizon to shock the bejezus out of me. Only a few days ago, while preparing to exit San Diego and return to Baja, Robert had a medical exam that uncovered what appears to be mass on the back of his tongue, and a lump in his throat. We are still undergoing tests and exams, so no diagnosis has been made, but every emotion imaginable has arisen, and needless to say lots of tears have been shed.

My mentor lovingly cracked open the box when he asked me to really feel everything that was showing up inside me. I thought I had been. With some guidance I saw how resistant I have been to all of it. Oh how it pained me! I rushed in to tell Robert all that I had discovered and to cry some more, laugh some and above all stand nakedly open, raw, and even vulnerable before him. And to make a vow that I will express from now on, with everyone.

We’re in limbo here, for how long, we don’t know. None of the future is knowable. We only have right now. So staying very present is my chief concern. I want to be here in every moment that comes – be that a week, a year, or a lifetime. I chose to show up. Completely.

And that is when I had the vision of 1000 angels healing my heart. Yes, I hurt. I am scared, but I refuse to hold back love any longer. I only hurt myself when I do. I have chosen to consciously open and become aware. In the oneness of all life, in every form, we are connected and everything is a reflection of my own self. I love Me, in all my infinite expressions. And it begins right here, in this body, called Jill.

Jill, I forgive you for what you once believed to be true. I know now that there is no limit to love; it is infinite and need never be corralled or saved. Thank you, Jill, for showing me this so that I can grow and flourish, blossom even. And know, Jill, that I love you unconditionally.

To all the ‘other’ people who are reading this, you are reflections of my own self, and I want you to know, I love you and I thank you. Don’t be surprised if the next time we meet I seem different.

I am.

Ps, I promise to keep you informed about Robert. Until then, all love, prayers and good wishes are gratefully accepted with the deepest appreciation.